


Broken Pieces

by blackimpala



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Idiots in Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post Season 15, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2020-10-04 04:01:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 55,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20464676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackimpala/pseuds/blackimpala
Summary: After killing Chuck, things aren’t great. Mary is still dead, Jack is dead, Castiel is human, and Dean and Castiel’s friendship is broken.After a rough year in which they have been mostly angry at each other, they’re trying to fix what’s broken, but they’re struggling with life and too many complicated emotions and their feelings for each other. But life has never made anything easy for these two. Will they be able to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's been almost a year since I updated anything here, and I've wanted to write this for a long time. Unfortunately, I don't know how often I'll be able to update, because life's busy and all, but at least I'll try to update once per month.
> 
> As always, I apologize for any grammar mistakes you may find in this work. My mother tonuge isn't English and I don't have a beta.
> 
> The rating will probably change from mature to explicit in the future, but for now, I'm sticking with mature.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this :)

The first thing Dean sees when he opens his sore eyes is Castiel. His blue eyes seem concerned, but they quickly shift into relief as he approaches the side of the bed.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel says, sounding really relieved.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean greets. As Castiel gets closer, Dean can see that he has horrible circles around his eyes and that his hair is a complete mess.

“How are you feeling?” Castiel asks, looking directly at Dean’s eyes.

“Tired.” He sighs and looks around the hospital room. He doesn’t remember how he got there. “Where are we?”

“In a hospital.”

Dean fights the urge to roll his eyes. “State. City.”

“Clarinda. Iowa.”

Dean nods. “Where’s Sam?”

“He went to the cafeteria to eat something. Given that he bled a less amount of blood than you, he didn’t have to be urgently intervened.”

Dean nods. To defeat Chuck, they had needed Billie’s help. Given that Amara was still alive and didn’t want to do anything with her brother, the balance between lightness and darkness had to disappear somehow. For that, Billie needed to become more powerful than God. She could have reaped him, but if she had done that, the balance would have fallen onto the darkness, and that was something no one wanted.

Billie had to annihilate that balance, and the only way she could do that was with a spell performed by her and Rowena. And of course, the spell required some sacrifices.

The life of a Nephilim. The grace of a fallen angel. Four liters of blood from two men who had been in Hell. Those were the hardest ingredients. Billie had to acquire a scythe from a reaper and Rowena had to find a weapon that was used to kill her in the past. Rowena’s ingredient was hard to find, but it wasn’t a sacrifice.

Jack didn’t hesitate to give up his life. And neither did Castiel when he had to give up his grace. Dean gave his blood, almost everything, because the spell only dictated that four liters were required in total. It didn’t matter if there was more of one blood than the other; as long as there were four liters in total and that there were two different bloods, proportions didn’t matter.

That’s how he ended up in the hospital; he gave three liters of blood while Sam gave just one. Sam had argued against it, but Dean had always been the first one to jump into the whole self-sacrifice act and protect his brother.

“How’re you doing?” Dean asks, looking at Cas. “You’re human again.”

Castiel grimaces. “I’m just doing.”

Before Dean can say anything else, Sam appears in the room, his eyes brightening as he sees Dean awake.

“You’re finally awake,” Sam says, smiling.

“Yeah,” Dean says, trying to smile, but failing.

“You shouldn’t have given almost all your blood.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Save the whole lecture for later, alright? Or better yet, save it for never. Chuck’s gone and we’re alive. That’s what matters.”

“Jack’s not alive,” Sam says with a painful grimace.

Neither Castiel nor Dean says anything about that.

“The kid is alright,” Billie says, making the three men turn their heads in the direction of her voice. Billie stands behind Castiel, wearing her characteristic black clothes and her white ring. “He’s in Heaven, and the Empty won’t come for him. Ever.” She looks at Castiel as she says that.

“The Empty?” Dean inquires, frowning.

“That’s where angels and demons go when they die. Also, Nephilims.”

“Why would you do that?” Castiel asks.

Billie makes a half smile. “You three have given me more power than any of you would have ever wanted me to have. You are the reason I am this powerful now, and I don’t like owing anything to anyone.” She looks at the three of them, her gaze turning sharper. “Sooner or later, each of you would have asked of something from me, claiming that I owe you for my current power, so I think that it’s better if I already pay my debt with all of you. Rowena has already received something. And Jack is in Heaven, with his mother, without the fear of the Empty dragging him to its territory.”

“And why not bring back Jack?” Sam asks.

“Because of the same reason I can’t restore Castiel’s grace. Because if I bring him back to life, the spell breaks, and with the spell broken, the balance between the lightness and the darkness comes back. Which is something none of us wants.”  
Dean, Castiel and Sam just look at Billie, not knowing what to say.

“Jack gets to be in Heaven, with Kelly Kline. That’s better than being in the Empty,” Billie says.

“But not better than being alive,” Castiel snaps.

“If sacrifices were easy and didn’t have any consequences, they wouldn’t be called sacrifices.”

“And what’s your sacrifice, then?” Dean asks. “Because you’re the one who gained the most without losing anything.”

“My sacrifice consists on having to fix some things that I didn’t have to fix in order to keep you three satisfied with the deal.”

“Have you considered that maybe we don’t want anything more from you?” Dean makes a sassy smile and glares her.

Billie chuckles. “You _do_ want what I offer. And I know you won’t refuse it.”

“What makes you so sure?”

Billie looks directly at Castiel who frowns. “For starters, I got rid of Castiel’s deal with the Empty.”

Castiel looks at her, with his lips parted, unable to say a word, while Dean and Sam look at Billie, confused and shocked.

“What deal?” Dean asks, while Sam asks, “What are you talking about?”

Billie then looks at Castiel, who is glaring her. “They didn’t know, did they?”

“No,” Castiel answers.

“Castiel made a deal with the Empty back when Jack first died. He offered himself instead of Jack, but the Empty was not satisfied with that deal. Instead, the Empty offered to let Jack alone that time, but the Empty promised to drag Castiel with him once Castiel was fully happy.”

Dean looks at Castiel, devastated. He can’t believe that Castiel made a deal like that and he didn’t tell them about it. He didn’t tell _him_ about it. “How could you do that?” Dean asks, hating how shaky his voice comes.

“I had to get the Empty away from Jack and that was the only way,” Castiel answers, without looking at Dean.

“You could’ve been dragged to the empty at any moment and we wouldn’t have known! What the fuck were you thinking?!”

“It doesn’t matter now,” Billie interrupts, clearly irritated. “I made the Empty break the deal. Castiel is now human, with a soul, so he will go to Heaven or Hell when he dies. The Empty will never come after you.”

“Thank you,” Castiel mutters.

“Now, for the Winchesters,” Billie says, walking past Castiel and looking at Sam and Dean. “I closed the gates of Hell so no demon can get out. I did the same with Heaven, so no angel can get out. I even created a few more angels to avoid the collapse of Heaven. The last thing any of us wants is another apocalypse. Heaven and Hell will keep working, being able to receive any soul that goes in there. But you won’t have to worry any more about angels or demons trying to kill you. The only thing you’ll have to worry about, are monsters.”

“You could have gotten rid of the monsters while you were at it,” Dean suggests, bitterly. Although he is glad that he won’t have to deal with angels or demons anymore.

Billie glares him. “That’s asking too much. You three and Rowena are alive. The Empty isn’t after Jack nor Castiel. You won’t have to fight against God nor angels nor demons anymore. I think that you three have gained more than you expected.”

“And now what are you gonna do?” Sam asks, giving her a distrustful glance.

“Keep being Death.”

“That’s all?” Dean asks, but by the time he finishes his question, Billie is completely gone. “Fucking awesome. Really fucking awesome,” he grunts.

“Let’s hope she was telling the truth,” Sam says, rubbing his nape.

Dean snorts and the he looks at Castiel, who has turned around but isn’t looking at Dean’s face. “I can’t believe you made that deal.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Castiel says. “I’m free of it.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Sam asks, sounding hurt, but less than Dean.

“I didn’t want to worry you. I wanted to give you two a win without any consequences.”

“You should have told us,” Dean mutters, angrily. “How do you think we would have felt if one day, you suddenly died without any apparent reason? Do you think we would have been okay with that?”

_Do you think I would have been okay with seeing you die again? Do you think I would recover from that?_ Dean wants to ask, but doesn’t. When it comes to he and Cas, things are complicated and he never says out loud what he really wants to say.

“I had to be happy in order to get dragged to the Empty,” Castiel explains, and something in his voice makes Dean’s heart ache. The ex-angel sounds angry, but so sad, and also resigned, and Dean hates it. “That was unlikely to happen.”

A part of Dean has to agree with him, because in their life, happiness is something that neither of them knows.

“You should have told us,” Dean repeats, still angry. “You always do this; you hide important stuff from us! And when it’s too late to do something about it or when things are fucked up, you finally tell us! When are you gonna stop doing this shit?!”

Castiel glares him. “I didn’t want to add any more distress to you! We still had to deal with Michael! The last thing you needed was another problem to worry about!”

“You don’t get to decide what we should or shouldn’t know!”

“Guys! Stop!” Sam yells before Castiel can yell at Dean. “The problem is solved, so there’s no point in arguing about what should have been done.”

Dean puffs, annoyed with his brother. There is a point in arguing about the topic, and the point is showing Cas that he fucked up and that he should stop hiding important stuff from them and stop risking his life.

“Cas,” Sam says, clearing his throat. “Find the doctor and tell her that Dean’s awake. I’m gonna call Rowena and tell her that Dean’s alright.” At that Dean arches both eyebrows. “She was really concerned about your well-being.”

Dean chuckles. “That’s a first.”

***

The next day, they drive back home, to the bunker. Sam is the one who insists on driving because Dean still needs some rest. It’s only a five hour drive, but Dean agrees with his brother, so he sits on the passenger seat while Cas sits on the backseat.  
It’s a quiet drive. They don’t say much. They don’t know what to say yet. It’s been a long year.

By the time they arrive to the bunker, it’s almost night time. The three of them go to the kitchen, feeling hungry and thirsty. There’s plenty of food to cook something, but neither of them feels like cooking, so they end up grabbing some beers, some potato snacks and some fruit, because Sam insists that they need some healthy food. Dean isn’t going to complain.

“So,” Sam starts to say, trying to get rid of the uncomfortable silence. “What comes now?”

Dean keeps his eyes fixed on the label of his beer bottle, scratching it with his nail. “Just monsters, I guess.”

Sam hums in agreement. “Yeah. Just monsters.”

Dean nods and looks at Castiel, whose eyes are also stuck on the label of the beer. He wants to ask him so many things, but he fears the answers.

“Can I stay in the bunker?” Castiel asks, without lifting his eyes.

“Dude,” Dean says, looking at him. “What kind of question is that?”

The ex-angel meets Dean’s eyes, frowning at him. “This is your home. I have to ask for permission to stay.”

This is Castiel’s home, too. At least it feels like that to Dean. It hurts him to know that Cas doesn’t see the bunker as his home.

“You have a bedroom. It’s all yours, buddy. Don’t need to ask for permission,” Dean finally says before taking a long sip of beer.

“Thank you,” Castiel says, nodding his head.

“Now that you’re human,” Sam says, making his characteristic concerned face. “What are you gonna do? Do you have any plans? Do you want to become a hunter?”

Dean looks at Castiel. Cas is now human. He might want to experience human things. He might want to leave the bunker and get himself a house, a job, a partner… He might want to leave and find himself or something like that. It terrifies Dean knowing that Cas might leave soon and won’t come back for a long time or ever. Because there’s nothing that will make Cas come back to the bunker to Dean, right?

“I don’t know,” Castiel answers. “I need to get used to being human. I would like to hunt, but I will have to learn about weapons, and get used to not being as strong as I used to. I’m afraid it will take too much time.”

“We can teach you anything about hunting,” Sam says.

“Yeah,” Dean agrees.

“Thank you, but I don’t want to be a nuisance to neither of you,” Castiel says, ashamed.

“Cas, c’mon, you won’t be a nuisance. Yeah, it’ll take time, because you have to change how you move, how you attack, ‘cause you gotta adapt to not being almost invincible, but we all had to learn. Besides, it’ll be good for us to train a little.”

“Okay,” Castiel whispers.

“Now, your main concern is eating, drinking water, taking showers, and sleeping,” Sam says, with a sympathetic smile. “You’ll figure out the rest.”

“I’ll need clothes, too.”

“I can give you some of my older clothes,” Dean offers, feeling how his cheeks try to blush. Seeing Cas wearing his clothes is something that he has imagined more times than he would like to admit. “Use them until we get you some clothes.”

Castiel nods. “Thank you.”

Dean clinks his bottle against Castiel’s and then he takes another sip.

“I’m going to hit the hay,” Sam announces as he stands up. “I’m exhausted of driving.”

“You only drove for five hours,” Dean protests. “What are you, sixty?”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Shut up, Dean.”

Without saying anything else, Sam walks out of the kitchen, leaving Dean and Castiel alone.

Dean stares at Cas. He looks sad and tired. They all lost Jack, but Cas also lost Heaven and his grace. He is the one who lost the most. Sam and Dean gave up their blood, but they both could get that back.

He hasn’t stopped thinking about Billie’s revelation. Cas made a deal with the Empty. He offered himself to die and he didn’t tell them. For that to happen, Cas had to be happy, which probably wouldn’t have happened, but still, it hurts Dean to know that at any moment, Cas could have been dragged to the Empty.

“You’re still thinking about my deal,” Castiel states, looking at Dean.

“Why did you do it?” Dean asks, more hurt than angry.

“It was the only way to get Jack back.”

“Yeah, you’ve already told me that. I just wanna know why you always have to do something that puts your life at risk.”

“I could ask you the same.”

Dean clenches his jaw and glares him. “I hate you.”

“I know,” Castiel murmurs before drinking his beer.

It hasn’t been a great year for the two of them. Dean was angry at Castiel for hiding them about Jack not being okay. Then Jack killed Mary, and Dean got angry at Cas, because a part of Dean blamed Cas for his mother’s death. Dean was so angry and frustrated and he kept being angry at Cas simply because he could.

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean that. I’m just angry and tired, and I— I am such a jerk to you. I’ve been a jerk to you since Mom died and I— I’m so sorry.”

Castiel nods but doesn’t say anything. Dean doesn’t blame him. Cas has been too patient with him, and even though he has snapped at him for putting all the blame on him, he had to deal with so many crap from Dean, and Dean knows that their relationship has been strained because of this past year.

The worst part is that he doesn’t know if they can fix it this time.

“Cas—” Dean tries again, because he has to try. After everything they have been through, after losing too much, they can’t lose each other. Things are broken, and they aren’t going to be easy to fix, but Dean wants to start over. Heaven nor Hell nor Chuck is there to screw them up, so they can start over. He wants to believe that. “Cas, I—” He clears his throat, hoping that Cas will look at him, but the ex-angel keeps his eyes focused on the bottle. “I’m sorry for being such an asshole to you for this whole year. I’m really sorry. I really am.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Castiel says, finally looking at Dean. “For everything.”

Dean sighs and nods.

“I’m going to bed,” Castiel announces as he stands up.

“Come to my bedroom. I’ll let you some pajamas,” Dean says as he stands up as well.

They walk next to each other, without saying a single word. They used to have comfortable silences, but now it feels wrong and Dean hates it.

They reach Dean’s bedroom and Dean steps inside while Castiel leans on the doorframe and waits for Dean to find some old pajamas in his wardrobe.

“Here,” Dean says as he hands Cas his old pajamas. “There’s also a pair of boxers. Wearing dirty underwear sucks.”

“Thank you, Dean. I appreciate it.”

Dean nods. “Do you need anything else?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, if you need anything, just come here and tell me.”

“Of course.” He tries to give Dean a smile, but it comes out as a sad one. “Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, Cas.”

Castiel turns around and starts walking to his bedroom. Dean watches him leave for a moment before closing his bedroom door.

He presses his back against the door and tilts his head up, taking a deep breath. Things aren’t great in between them, but they have time to fix this. Cas is going to stay in the bunker, so they are going to have time together, which means that they will find some way to fix this whole mess in between them.

Dean closes his eyes and sighs. They can fix this. They can find a way to fix their relationship. Even though it might seem broken, they can put every piece back together.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the lovely comments, the kudos, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :')

Castiel leaves the bunker four days after their arrival to the bunker.

At least this time he announces his departure to both Sam and Dean, which is an improvement, but it still leaves Dean heartbroken.

Castiel insists that he needs to leave in order to think about everything, to figure things out for a while. He doesn’t say for how long he is going to be out, only that he needs to be somewhere where he can see the horizon.

Still, it hurts.

The next morning after Cas’ departure, Sam finds Dean in the library, focused on his laptop, looking for a case while he is drinking his second glass of whiskey, but Dean doesn’t tell him that it’s his second glass. The last thing he needs right now is for Sam to make a point about his alcoholism or to try to give him some kind of talk regarding the touchy topic.

“Dude, it’s not even ten A.M. yet,” Sam says, pointing at the bottle of whiskey.

“It’s night somewhere,” Dean grunts. Before his brother can say anything else, Dean says, “I think I found us a case.”

Sam frowns. “I thought we were gonna get a one week break before jumping into any job.”

“It’s been almost a week.”

“Did you and Cas argue before he left?” Sam asks.

Dean turns his face to look at his brother with a confused expression. “No. What makes you think that?”

“You only start drinking this early when you’re upset, and you’re desperately looking for a case, something you do when you’re angry or don’t want to think about something.” He points first at the whiskey and then at the laptop, and Dean rolls his eyes. “And Cas left yesterday, and since he left, you’ve been upset. You’ve been trying to hide it, but something happened between you two, so I guess you two argued. You two have been arguing way too much this year.”

Dean clenches his jaw and looks at the laptop, avoiding his brother’s incriminatory eyes. Even Sam is aware of how his friendship with Cas is broken. “We didn’t argue before he left.”

“Then why are you so angry?”

“Because he left. Like he always fucking does.”

Sam sighs and sits on the chair next to Dean, dragging it so he can be a bit closer to him. “Dean, he lost Jack, his grace and Heaven. He needs time to adjust. Time to figure things out. He needs space. This is something Cas needs to do on his own.”

Dean doesn’t say anything.

“He’ll come back, eventually,” Sam says.

“Sure,” Dean says, sarcastically. Cas has always come back in the past, but Dean isn’t sure he will come back this time. “Well, in the meantime, I think there’s a ghoul in San Francisco.”

***

Dean is in the motel room, eating a cold burrito while he looks into the police records about any strange happenings in the cemetery while Sam is out, interrogating the staff of a mortuary. He keeps looking at files, trying to find something that might give him a lead about this case when suddenly, his phone rings.

He is expecting to find Sam’s name on the screen, bringing him some news about the case, but the name that is displayed is Castiel’s.

It’s been five days since they last talked. Dean wanted to send Cas a text message, but every time he typed something, he quickly deleted it and closed the app. He wanted to start a casual conversation, but he didn’t know how. Words have never been Dean’s strength, but now that his relationship with Cas is strained, Dean thinks he has gotten even worse at it.

Still, it’s been several days since they talked, which means that if Cas is calling, it’s probably because something bad has happened. His stomach twists at that thought.

“Cas?” Dean asks, trying to remain calm. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Castiel answers, and Dean swears he can hear him frown. “Why do you think something is wrong?”

“Well, I haven’t heard anything about you for five days, so I thought something bad had happened. Most of the times, when you call, it’s because something bad has happened.”

Castiel sighs. “That’s true.”

There is a tiny silence in between then. Dean clears his throat and asks, “How are you?”

“Tired. The human body needs too much care and energy to function properly.”

“Yeah, it fucking sucks.”

“Also, I hate how much time is wasted by just going to the bathroom. Sloths only have to defecate once per week.”

“Wait, are you serious? They only poop one single time in a whole week?”

“Yes. Imagine all you could accomplish if humans had evolved like the sloths in that aspect.”

Dean chuckles, happily, because the conversation is kind of ridiculous, but it’s nice to talk to Cas. He tries to remember the last time they laughed together or the last time they talked about something that didn’t involve a case or an apocalypse or some kind of shitty problem. It was at least two years ago.

“How are you, Dean?”

“I’m a bit tired. We’re in San Francisco, working on a case. We know it’s a ghoul, but we still haven’t found it. Right now I’m looking at some records, trying to find something weird that happened in the cemetery.”

“I should probably hang up, then. You’re busy.”

“Don’t,” Dean says, sounding a bit more desperate than he would like to. He clears his throat again. “Talk to me. Where are you right now?”

“Jackson, Wyoming. I’m sitting on the hood of my car, watching the Rocky Mountains.”

Dean smiles. “That sounds nice.”

“It is.”

There is another small silence in between them, and Dean pictures Cas, sitting on the hood of his car, letting the sun warm his skin and feeling the wind caressing his face. He must be watching the mountains in the distance and listening to the birds and the sound of the wind among the leaves.

_I wish I were there. I miss you_, Dean wants to say, but the words never make it out. They never do.

“How— how long are you gonna be there?” Dean asks instead.

“I don’t know,” Castiel answers. “For as long as I need to. I like it here.”

Dean nods, absently. He starts twisting the fabric of his dress pants, nervously, trying to calm the pain in his heart. He thought that Cas would come back after being gone for ten days at most, but it seems that it’s going to be longer. Part of him knows that Cas needs this, but another part of Dean wants to have Cas around. He misses him.

“Well, I hope you enjoy your time there,” Dean manages to say.

“I will try to,” Castiel says. There is a small pause in between them, and Dean can hear the wind on the other end of the line. “I should probably go back to the town and get something to eat. Being hungry is unpleasant.”

“Yeah, tell me about it…”

Dean wants to make the call last for a little bit longer, but he doesn’t know what to say. Talking to Cas used to be easier. How could things get so bad in between them?

“It was nice talking to you, Dean,” Castiel says, and for a moment, Dean thinks he can hear Cas smiling.

“It’s good to hear your voice, Cas,” Dean confesses, managing a small smile of his own. “Be careful, okay?”

“You, too. I hope the hunt goes good and without any injuries.”

“Let’s hope so.”

“See you, Dean.”

“See you, Cas.”

Cas hangs up and Dean looks at the screen for a while, even when it has darkened. After a few minutes, he leaves the phone on the table and tries to focus on his task on the laptop, to keep doing research, but he can’t stop thinking about Cas.

Even though it was nice to talk to him after so many days, Dean still can’t help feeling disappointed. Cas is still away, and he won’t come back home for who knows how long. Dean misses him a lot. Now that Cas can stick around, he doesn’t. And there’s also the fact that their friendship is broken.

He grabs his phone and goes to his phone gallery and looks for a photo of Cas he took two years ago. Cas didn’t notice that Dean took that photo, or maybe he did and decided to say nothing about it. Dean took that photo while they were on a case in Forks, Washington. Cas was sitting on the hood of the Impala, looking at the horizon while he waited for Dean to get some food for himself. Cas looked beautiful under the sunlight with the trees in the background, revealing that autumn had arrived. Dean just loved seeing Cas like that, so beautiful and in peace. Dean decided to take a photo of him. After knowing each other for so long, Dean didn’t have a photo of Cas.

Now, whenever he misses Cas, he looks at that photo.

“Come back home soon, please,” Dean murmurs to the photo. “I miss you.”

***

Despite telling Dean that he was going to get some food, Castiel remains on the same spot he was while he called Dean. The landscape and the sounds of nature help him with the pain and the hollowness in his chest.

He wants to go back to the bunker and be with Dean, but he can’t do that. Castiel knows he is a waste of space right now. When he had his grace, at least he was useful, but still, he kept screwing up over and over again. Now that he is human, he fears that he will only cause even more trouble. That both Sam and Dean will have to look after him constantly and fix everything that he breaks. And he doesn’t want them to go through that.

As much as Castiel wanted to remain in the bunker, he knows that he isn’t welcomed there, no matter what the Winchesters say. He knows that Dean doesn’t want him there. Things have been harsh in between them for the past year. Dean has apologized for everything and so has Castiel, but he is afraid that things won’t be good again in between them.

And even though Castiel desperately wants to fix things between Dean and him, he knows that it won’t happen. Things only keep getting worse and worse for the two of them, and they have hurt each other countless of times. Castiel is tired, and so is Dean. Maybe they have finally reached the point where they want to give up.

But it still hurts, because Castiel is still deeply in love with Dean.

He has been in love with Dean for so long, way before he even knew what love was. And he has learnt how to hide it, and how to live with it because Dean has never felt that way about Castiel. He accepted a long time ago that Dean will never love him, but he was happy with having his friendship. Now, he isn’t sure if they still have a friendship.

He called Dean because he missed him, and he wanted to hear his voice. He wanted to be reminded of home.

Home. He doesn’t have one anymore. Heaven stopped being his home almost a decade ago. The bunker became some sort of home later, but now he doesn’t belong there. He doesn’t think he ever belonged. Home was where Dean was, but he can’t have that home now.

Castiel feels lost and alone. Those are two terrible things to feel. He felt those things when he was an angel, but now that he is a human, those feelings are overwhelming, making them unbearable.

He takes one last look at the Rocky Mountains and he gets into his car. He needs to feed himself.

***

When Castiel became human after the angels fell, he found sleeping to be a really difficult task. Now that he is human again, the task seems almost impossible.

The bed of his motel room is too soft and he feels like part of his body is on the floor while the other is on the mattress. Also, the pillow is too hard. Tiredness will make him fall asleep late in the night, but Castiel hates waiting for that moment.

Instead, he leaves the awful bed, grabs his trench coat and leaves his room. He walks to his car and sits on the hood, watching the starry sky. A long time ago, he created and touched some of the stars in the night sky. He had even seen galaxies being born and stars collapsing and spreading their dust across the universe. Those things seem to belong to another life, to another Castiel.

Looking at the stars, Castiel can feel how insignificant he is. Looking at the starts used to give him comfort, now it hurts. They remind him of what he used to be.

It’s not that he doesn’t like being human, it’s just that he doesn’t think he will be good at it. But that has always been Castiel’s problem. He was too human to be an angel, now he is too angel to be a human. He has always been in between two things, but never enough for any of them.

He keeps his eyes fixed on the stars, trying to appreciate its beauty, until he feels a few tears tracing down his cheeks.

He walks back to his room and takes his trench coat off. He wipes his face and sighs, tired and sad. He is about to get back under the sheets when his phone beeps, indicating that he has a text message.

He grabs his phone and sees that it’s a message from Dean.

_ **Made it back home. We only have a couple of scratches but we’re good.** _

Castiel smiles, relieved. Sam and Dean are back home and they are safe.

_**I’m glad**_, Castiel texts back.

When he gets back in bed, more tears fall down his sore eyes, longing for a home and for a person he can’t go back to.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the comments, the kudos, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :')

Weeks pass and Castiel still doesn’t come back home. Dean keeps waiting, but Castiel doesn’t seem to feel like coming back.

They text each other almost daily, and they call each other at least two days per week, but it’s not enough. Dean misses him so damn much. So he buries himself in alcohol and the job, trying to keep the pining, the disdain and the pain away for some moments.

It works partly.

Sam notices, of course he does. He mentions it once, but Dean snaps at him angrily and he storms to his room, not coming out of it for the rest of the day. After that, Sam decides not to approach the subject, even though he desperately wants to.

Weeks keep passing without Cas, until they become a month.

Dean starts losing hope. He doesn’t think he will see Cas anytime soon. He wants to stop texting him, because he is mad at him, but he can’t lose what’s left of his relationship with Cas. All they have left is texting and calling.

The nights tend to be the worst for him, because he lies awake, wondering about how things would have gone if he hadn’t said something or if he had said the things he has been trying to say for years.

Of course that Dean is in love with Cas. He has been in love with him for years. He has tried to deny it in the past, because he was a human, and Cas was an angel. There was no way they could get together without fucking everything up. But there came a point where Dean didn’t care about that, and just admitted to himself that he was in love with Cas and that he wanted to be with him. No matter their differences.

Dean should have confessed a long time ago. A part of him believes that Cas felt that way, but he isn’t sure anymore. Still, even if Cas did feel that way, Dean was still just a hunter, with nothing to offer, except for a place in his bed. That’s all. Cas deserves better than a fucked up hunter with too many physical and emotional scars.

Even if things were good in between them, Dean would still hide his feelings, because there is no way someone like Cas, someone who could create entire galaxies, would want to do anything with a guy that only knows how to hunt monsters.

When Dean starts thinking about all of that, he grabs a bottle of whiskey and keeps drinking until his thoughts blur and the pain is just something dull that can be easy to ignore.

***

Yesterday they arrived home from a hunt; nevertheless, Dean is already looking for a new case. They should get some rest, they both need it, but Dean feels better when his head is focused on a case. His thoughts aren’t so poisonous and harmful when he has to focus on finding and killing a monster.

It seems that nothing monstrous has happened yet, and although Dean feels relieved that no one has been killed by a monster, he also feels a pang of disappointment because he needs to find something to occupy his head meanwhile.

He decides to look for some books to buy, something in the fantasy or the sci-fi genre.

“Tell me you aren’t looking for a case,” Sam groans as he appears on the library.

“I’m not,” Dean says, showing him the screen. “I’m just looking at some websites, trying to find some books that might be interesting.”

Sam gives him a brief suspicious look, but he sighs and sits down in front of Dean, placing a book and a cup of coffee on the table. “Good. I need a break.”

Dean hums and keeps navigating.

Minutes later, they both startle as they hear the front door being opened.

Dean immediately stands up and almost runs to the war room. He finds Cas, closing the door behind him, and when he turns around to walk down the stairs, he meets Dean’s eyes, and he smiles, softly.

Dean is still angry and hurt, but Cas is smiling at him in that soft way that makes Dean’s heart melt. It’s been too long since they saw each other, and Dean is so damn tired of being mad all the time.

As he descends the stairs, Dean takes a moment to look at him, to fully appreciate the ex-angel. Cas looks tired and a bit tanner than usual. His hair is still a mess. He is wearing jeans, Dean’s old grey Henley and a black jacket. Even though he looks tired, he still looks beautiful. 

He still manages to leave Dean breathless after all this time.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel says as he walks downstairs.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says, quite awed.

Castiel walks to Dean and Dean immediately gets his arms around Cas, hugging him tightly, feeling his solid body against his. Castiel embraces Dean, his grip tighter than Dean’s, and he releases a silent sigh.

It’s good to have Cas back.

“Welcome back,” Dean says, pulling away, but letting his hands linger on Cas’ arms.

Something in Cas’ eyes sparkle, but Dean doesn’t know what it is. He wants to think that it is happiness. “Thank you.”

Then, Dean notices the stiches on the ex-angel’s right temple. His fingers reach for the wound, caressing the skin softly, barely registering how intimate the touch is. “What happened?”

“A bar fight,” Castiel answers with a grimace.

Dean looks at him, arching his brow and he pulls his hand away. They are still too close, and both still have their hands on each other. It seems as if neither of them wants to remove the closeness in between them.

“A bar fight?” Dean repeats.

“A man was harassing a young woman and I stepped in. The man was stronger than me and I miscalculated my strength and reflexes at first, hence the wound. But I managed to get him away from the young woman.”

Dean smiles, but still is concerned about Cas’ wound.

“Hey there, Cas,” Sam says, clearing his throat.

Just with that, both Dean and Castiel step from each other, aware of how close they were standing. Both blush slightly, and don’t say a word.

“Hello, Sam,” Castiel says, walking towards Sam. They hug, but their hug is shorter, nonetheless, it’s still a tight hug.

“It’s good to see you, man,” Sam says with a smile. “Are you passing by or are you staying with us for a little while?”

Dean hadn’t thought that Cas might be just passing by, paying them a tiny visit before he decides to leave again. The happiness and relief he felt moments ago dissolve and turn into fear and anxiety.

“I’m staying here for a while,” Castiel announces, and then he looks at Dean. “If that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay,” Dean says, releasing some of the tension in his body. Cas is staying for a while. It means that he will eventually leave, but he is staying. Hopefully this time, his stay will last longer than four days. “I was gonna make some burgers for dinner, do you want one? ‘Cause that means I’ve gotta get another burger from the freezer to defrost.”

“That would be amazing, Dean.”

“Great. I’ll be right back.”

He walks away from the war room, leaving Sam and Cas to chat while he walks towards the kitchen. He tries to steady his beating heart and tries to hold the tears that threaten to fall. Cas is back. He doesn’t know for how long he will stay, but Cas is back home.

Dean rubs his face and takes a deep breath. He grabs a burger from the freezer, placing it next to the other two that are already defrosting. Then, he grabs three beers and carries them with him. Cas is back home and that’s something to be celebrated.

***

Dinner goes great. The three of them talk and laugh. Castiel even congratulates Dean for the amazing burger, saying that in the past month, he has been to a couple of burger joints and none of them could compare to the ones Dean makes. Dean, naturally, smiles and blushes.

It almost feels as if things were perfectly okay, but Dean knows they are not. It’s been a little bit more than a month since they last saw each other, and they haven’t talked about anything of what’s going on in between the two of them, but for supper, all the bad things have been put aside.

“Well, I’m gonna go to my bedroom and read something before falling asleep,” Sam announces after they have washed the dishes. “I still need to recover myself from all these hunts. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Goodnight, Sam,” Dean and Castiel say at the same time.

“Goodnight, guys.”

The moment Sam leaves, the silence in between Dean and Cas appears, and Dean hates it. He looks at Cas, wanting to touch him, to feel that he is real. He has always been hungry for Cas’ touch, but after being separated for one month, he is even more touch starved than ever.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Dean asks, desperate to be around Cas, to get any chance to have a sense of normalcy in between them. “Or are you too tired from the drive?”

“I am tired,” Castiel recognizes, and Dean tries not to let any disappointment appear on his face. “But I would love to watch a movie with you.”

“Awesome,” Dean says, grinning, which makes Castiel smile shyly. When was the last time he made Cas smile? Maybe things aren’t too broken after all. “I will even let you pick.”

Castiel arches his brow. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Anything?”

“Anything except a chick-flick.”

Castiel smiles. “Okay.”

“C’mon,” Dean says standing up, feeling excited.

They walk towards the Dean cave. There used to be two armchairs, but they were so old that they eventually broke, so they had to replace them with a couch that could fit the three of them.

Even though the couch is large, Dean decides to sit almost in the middle, like he always does when he is with Cas, just to have him closer. He hands him the remote once Cas is sitting next to him.

“Do you have anything in mind?” Dean asks as Cas navigates through Netflix.

“Something that doesn’t have cowboys in it,” Castiel deadpans.

Dean groans, making Castiel smile. He had missed these moments.

As Cas decides to watch _Jumanji_, Dean starts getting some hope back. They might be able to fix everything in between them.

As long as Cas stays, things will get better.

***

By the time the movie finishes, Dean switches off the TV and he and Cas walk down the hall, side by side, each going to their respective bedrooms.

“Dean,” Castiel says, clearing his throat.

“Yeah?” Dean asks, looking at him. He knows that tone; Cas only uses it when he wants to ask for something that he isn’t sure if he should ask because he doesn’t want to bother him.

“Would you mind teaching me some fighting? I need to get used to not being as strong as I used to.”

“Yeah, sure. You also wanna learn how to shoot a gun?”

“I would really appreciate that, too.”

“Alright, we’ll start in a couple of days.”

“Thank you,” Castiel says, stopping walking, because they have reached Dean’s door. “I’m sorry for being a nuisance and wasting your time.”

“Cas, c’mon, you aren’t a nuisance and you don’t waste my time. Don’t be ridiculous. You know I enjoy spending my time with you.”

Castiel looks up, touched by those words. Something in Dean stings, because it feels as if Cas didn’t think that Dean could enjoy being with him.

Castiel doesn’t say anything and just nods. “Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, Cas,” he says. Castiel starts walking to his door, and then, Dean says his name. “Cas.”

Castiel stops and turns around, to look at Dean. “Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’re back.”

His words manage to make Castiel smile, and his body stops being so tense. “I’m glad to be back, too.”

Dean grins and gets inside his bedroom. He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and feels better than he has been feeling for the past month.

Things aren’t perfect, but they are both trying to do something about it.

For the first time in a whole month, Dean manages to fall asleep without intrusive thoughts and without having to drown himself in alcohol.

***

Castiel closes the door of his bedroom and switches on the light. His bedroom looks exactly as he left it, only that he has already placed his clothes in the drawers and in the wardrobe while Dean helped him clean the dust.

He doesn’t know how long he is going to stay in the bunker, but he wants to stay for a couple of weeks, if he is allowed to do so. Dean seems happy to have him in the bunker again, but Castiel is afraid that he will change his mind the moment Dean finds out how useless Castiel is.

Dean has promised to teach him how to fight and shoot, and maybe by learning that, Castiel can be useful again, making him worthy of staying in the Winchesters’ home.

He had been considered coming back to Kansas for a while, but he wasn’t sure if he was going to be welcomed back. Even though he still feels like he needs to be away, he missed both Sam and Dean and wanted to see them again. He was expecting to receive a cold welcome from Dean, but the hunter seemed glad to see him again. Maybe things aren’t as broken as Castiel thought.

Dean and him had a delightful night, a night they hadn’t had for years. It was good to have Dean by his side, enjoying each other’s company.

Castiel fears that moments like that will be eventually gone, when Dean gets tired of him, when Dean gets pissed at him for not being useful, for being a waste of space.

He sighs and changes into his pajamas. He gets into his bed, his body quickly appreciating the comfortable mattress and the wonderful pillow. Something as simple as a good mattress and a good pillow is almost impossible to find in a motel room.

He switches off the lights and covers himself with the sheets that Dean changed, smelling the soft and fresh smell of the softener.

Castiel closes his eyes and sighs, happy to be in what he considers to be his home even though he doesn’t think he has any right to call Sam and Dean’s home his home, but it is the closest thing Castiel has.

He is back home, with his family. It makes him feel happy, even if a big part of him knows that, eventually, he will have to leave. 

But he tries not to think about it for now. He only thinks about being in a comfortable bed and under the same roof as his family.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :')

Despite being human, Castiel is still a great fighter. The only problem is that he keeps miscalculating his strength, which means that he hurts himself with every hit he gives, or he ends up giving such a weak hit that his opponent doesn’t get hurt at all.

It also means that Dean ends up too close to him, being aware of the small distance in between their bodies. He tries to focus on teaching Cas about fighting without hurting himself, but their hands end up on each other one way or another. The touches tend to be brief or harsh, after all, they are training in fighting, but still, Dean keeps looking forward to the small contact, starving for some touch.

Being touch starved has always been present in Dean’s life. He learnt through the years how to live with that constant longing, but once Cas appeared in his life, that hunger became more intense, and it has been getting worse and worse through the past years. But he has also learnt how to keep that hunger at bay, trying not to let it show.

Castiel comes forward, attacking Dean. They struggle together, holding each other, until Dean manages to throw Castiel onto the mat, putting all his weight onto the ex-angel, and pinning his hands above his head.

Dean smirks, trying to ignore how good it feels to be pressed against Cas. He is going to make a sassy comment, just to avoid thinking about how amazing it is to be on top of Cas, when Cas gets his legs around Dean’s hips and he turns the two of them, reversing their positions.

Having Cas on top of him also feels amazing. Especially when Cas is smirking in such a smug way.

Dean is going to need a really cold shower after this. The temperature of his body has risen notably; he only hopes that his dick stays in place. He doesn’t need to make things awkward in between them; that’s the last thing they need.

“You should keep a better grip on your opponent,” Castiel says.

“I’m the one teaching you. So I’m the only one allowed to be smartass about this,” Dean snaps, trying to keep some space in between their bodies, but Cas is gripping him tightly, pressing his body against Dean. “C’mon, you—” But he doesn’t finish the sentence because he notices that the wound on Cas’ right temple is open. “Fuck, Cas. Your wound is bleeding.”

Castiel immediately lifts his hand, reaching for the wound. He pulls his fingers away, looking at the blood on his fingertips. “Oh,” is all that Castiel says.

“Let’s go to the bathroom to heal you.”

Castiel stands up and offers his hand to Dean, who holds it and stands up. He pushes away the thoughts of how relieved and disappointed he is now that he isn’t pressed against Castiel. Those thoughts will haunt him later, he knows that. But now, all he can think about is healing Cas.

They make it to the bathroom and Castiel sits on the edge of the bathtub while Dean looks for some disinfectant, some gauze and some stiches. By the time he has everything, he sits in front of Cas and he starts cleaning the wound with the disinfectant, which makes Castiel pull away and hiss.

“It’s not that bad, Cas,” Dean says, rolling his eyes.

“It smarts,” Castiel protests.

“Of course it smarts.” He tries to apply the disinfectant on Cas again, but the ex-angel moves before the gauze even brushes him. “Cas, c’mon! If that wound gets infected, that’s gonna hurt like hell.”

Castiel sighs and gets closer. Tentatively, Dean tries again, and although Castiel hisses, he doesn’t move away.

When the wound is clean, Dean puts some stiches on it. Even though most if has closed since Cas arrived to the bunker, there is still a big gap that needs to close.

“Okay, Cas, you’re good to go,” Dean says.

“Thank you,” Castiel says, and Dean thinks there is some sadness in his voice.

“No problem, buddy.” He stands up and starts gathering everything up.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel murmurs as he approaches Dean, leaving only a few inches in between them.

Dean frowns and looks at him. “What are you apologizing for?”

“I’m only causing you trouble.”

“No, you aren’t. What even makes you think that?” Dean doesn’t have any idea where this is coming from.

“I—” He sighs and looks at Dean briefly. Then he shakes his head and starts turning around. “It doesn’t matter.”

Dean grabs his arm, stopping him. “Cas, c’mon, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Castiel looks at him, and Dean can see that there is so much sadness and misery in his eyes. He wants to know what’s wrong with his friend, to help him, but he can’t unless Cas talks to him. They know each other so well, but they are still unable to read each other when it comes to personal feelings.

Cas opens his mouth, and for a second it looks like as if he is actually going to talk to Dean, but in the last second, he closes his mouth, clenching his jaw, and Dean knows that he isn’t going to tell him anything.

“I should better go to my bedroom and get some rest. I’m quite tired,” Castiel says, without looking at Dean.

“Yeah. Okay,” Dean murmurs, letting Cas’ arm go.

Castiel walks away, leaving Dean in the bathroom. The hunter sighs and presses his forehead against the cold tiles of the wall.

Just when he thought that things were starting to get a little better in between then, reality comes crashing down to remind him that things are as screwed up as they were.

***

Dean wakes up with a silent yell and he looks at his right forearm, seeing that the Mark of Cain is gone. It’s been gone for five years, but whenever he has nightmares about it, they are so vivid that he needs to check that he is free from its grip, that the Mark is no longer on his skin.

He kicks the covers and sits on his bed. He takes a deep breath and rubs his face with both hands, trying to calm his raggedy breath and his restless heart.

Dean has lived with nightmares since he was four years old. Nightmares only got worse with the years. The more he grew up, the more nightmares he lived in real life, the more people he lost, the more corpses he left behind, the more mistakes he made. Nightmares accumulated in real life and they easily made their way into Dean’s dreams.

He looks around his bedroom, looking for some alcohol, but there isn’t any around there. So Dean decides to stand up, puts on his sleepers and makes his way to the kitchen.

It’s quiet in the bunker, and Dean tries to keep his steps silent; he doesn’t want to wake Cas nor Sam.

He switches on the light of the kitchen and he goes to one of his secret places where he hides some bottles of alcohol. Sam hasn’t found out any of those places, and Dean is glad about it; he doesn’t want to have a conversation about his alcoholism.

Dean knows he has a problem with alcohol, but alcohol is the only thing that buzzes his pain, that makes the pain bearable. It’s the only comfort he has. It isn’t healthy. But who cares about being healthy when he is probably going to die in the hands of a monster?

At least when Dean is drunk, he doesn’t beat his family like John did. Dean might be an alcoholic, but he isn’t an aggressive alcoholic.

He pours himself a generous glass of whiskey and sits at the table, carrying both the bottle and the glass with him.

He takes a long sip, almost drinking all the liquid. He closes his eyes, focusing on the burn the whiskey leaves on his throat. He sighs and looks at the glass, trying to get lost in the sight of the amber liquid.

After a few minutes, Dean hears some steps. He lifts his eyes and Castiel appears, stopping on the threshold when he sees Dean.

“Cas,” Dean says, frowning. “What are you doing awake this late?”

Castiel sighs and walks into the kitchen. “I can’t sleep. You?”

“Same” He takes the remaining sip and then pours himself some more. “Get a glass if you want some.”

Castiel walks towards the cupboard and gets himself a glass. Before he sits in front of Dean, Dean grabs the empty glass and pours him a generous quantity of whiskey. Castiel immediately takes a sip. Dean watches him drink, admiring how his apple bobbles as he drinks.

“Does this ever help?” Castiel asks with a deeper voice than usual.

“Sometimes,” Dean answers, moving the glass in his hand so the liquid can swirl. “It also depends on how much you drink.”

“But it is only a temporary solution.”

“Yeah. It is. But it’s better than nothing.” He takes another sip, almost finishing his glass. “It only drowns things for a while, but for that while, everything becomes a buzz and it doesn’t hurt that much.”

Castiel nods and decides to take a sip.

“You should go slow,” Dean says before the glass reaches Castiel’s lips. “You get tipsy easily.”

Castiel glares him and takes a long sip. Cas has always been stubborn and challenging. Still, he coughs after putting the glass back on the table, and Dean can’t help making a tiny smirk.

“Told ya,” Dean says.

Castiel mutters something in enochian, and Dean knows it’s an insult just for the sound of the word.

“Don’t be rude,” Dean protests as he kicks Castiel’s shin playfully.

Castiel chuckles.

Dean gives him a brief smile and then he looks back at his glass. His eyes dart to where the Mark used to be, just to make sure one more time that it is completely gone.

“Did you have a nightmare about the Mark of Cain?” Castiel asks, worried.

Dean lifts his eyes to meet Castiel’s. “How do you know?”

“You’re looking at the place where the Mark used to be.”

Dean gives him a surprised look; he hadn’t expected Cas to pick up on that, but he did. “Yeah, I did. Once in a while, I get nightmares about having the Mark again.”

“Do you want to talk about that?” Castiel says. There’s so much empathy and care in his voice that it makes Dean feel something warm blooming in his chest. Something that has nothing to do with drinking alcohol.

“No, not really,” Dean answers with a grimace as he looks at his forearm. “It’s something I don’t like talking about.”

Castiel nods. “I understand.” He looks at Dean’s forearm too, and then he says, “I wish I still had my grace. Then I could stop you from having nightmares like I used to.”

Dean looks at him, stunned. “You used to stop my nightmares?”

Castiel blushes and nods. “Yes, I did. Every time I was under the same roof as you and you were having nightmares, I stopped them.”

Dean tries to remember every time Cas was around, whether he was in the bunker or in a motel room, and how those nights when Dean was sleeping, he never seemed to have a nightmare. Nightmares always appeared when Cas wasn’t around or when Cas wasn’t an angel. He can’t believe he never noticed before.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dean asks, moved by the knowledge of Cas’ gesture.

“If you found out, you would have probably told me to stop doing it. To save my grace for something more important,” Castiel answers.

Dean chuckles. “Yeah, that sounds like me.” He gives Castiel an appreciative smile. “Thanks, by the way. You didn’t have to, but thanks.”

Castiel smiles, softly, and it makes Dean’s heart skip a beat. “You’re welcome, Dean.”

They remain in silence for a while, finishing their glasses. Eventually, Castiel stands up.

“I’m going back to bed and try to get some sleep,” Castiel announces.

“Yeah, me too,” Dean says as he drinks the remaining of his whiskey and he stands up. “Just let me wash this. I don’t want Sam finding out about our drinking shenanigans.”

Dean gets his glass and Castiel’s. He quickly washes them and then he puts the bottle back in its secret place. Then, he and Castiel walk side by side back to their respective bedrooms.

As they walk together, Dean notices that Castiel is only wearing a t-shirt, a pair of boxers and his sleepers, just like him. He avoids looking at Cas form the waist down, but it doesn’t help much, because the t-shirt hangs low on his collarbone, revealing said collarbone. It also doesn’t help that Dean can see Castiel’s strong arms, revealing so much tanned skin and his muscles.

If things weren’t as complicated as they are now and if Dean wasn’t so afraid and so buried in his self-loathing, he would remove the space in between them and kiss Castiel until neither of them could breathe. He would tell him how he feels, and they would kiss again and get their hands on each other and make up for the lost chances they had in the past.

In that scenario, Cas would return his feelings, which is something Dean knows that probably won’t be the case in the real world.

Cas is so close. Dean only needs to move his hand a few inches and they could lace their fingers. Cas is so close, but yet so far.

Dean remains by his side, without removing their distance. He can’t chase after something that is impossible.

They reach Dean’s bedroom door and they both stop in front of it.

“I hope you get some sleep, Cas,” Dean says.

“I hope you do, too, Dean,” Castiel says.

Dean nods. He is about to wish Cas a goodnight when the ex-angel steps into Dean’s personal space and his hand reaches for the place where the Mark of Cain used to be.

Castiel’s thumb starts to rub circles on that spot, and Dean looks at the motion, holding a breath. Then he looks at Castiel’s face, so close to his, and so full of an emotion that Dean can’t put a name on.

“It’s long gone, Dean,” Castiel says in a low voice that sends shivers down Dean’s spine. “It will never come back. We got rid of it a long time ago.”

Their eyes meet, and for the first time in months, there is no pain nor misery nor resentment. It’s just something intense, like it used to be when they looked at each other. Cas’ hand remains on Dean’s forearm, caressing his skin, and Dean wants to just bring Cas closer and kiss him, and hold him, and have him like he has wanted for years. But he can’t. It’s not the right time for them. Probably will never be.

Castiel steps away, pulling his hand away, and Dean immediately misses the warmth of Castiel’s touch, and its gentleness. Those hands have killed and hurt, but on Dean, they have always been gentle and tender. Except for those times Cas was possessed or cursed.

“Sweet dreams, Dean,” Castiel says before turning around and walking to his bedroom.

Dean watches him go, feeling stunned and awed, and after a while manages to whisper, “Sweet dreams, Cas.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so damn much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions!

Weeks pass and Castiel stays in the bunker. Even when Dean and Sam leave to hunt monsters, Cas is still in the bunker when they make it back home.

The two hunts are easy, but Castiel remains back in the bunker, because Dean doesn’t feel that Cas is ready yet.

Dean is relieved to find Cas in the bunker the two times he comes back home after a hunt. A part of him wants to believe that Cas will definitely stay this time, but a big part of him is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But meanwhile, things at the bunker keep going as before. Both Dean and Sam train Castiel with fighting without weapons, they train him in shooting and also they train him with fighting with a blade, being this last task the one Castiel excels at. The rest of the time, each spends their time doing something they enjoy, like reading, cooking, running, taking a walk, watching something… Other times they spend their time together, sometimes just two of them and other times the three of them.

It feels nice. Dean keeps telling himself not to get used to it, because he knows Cas’ record of leaving. He will eventually leave, he knows that. There isn’t anything in the bunker that will make him stay, but Dean can’t help getting some hope.

The three of them are in the library. Both Sam and Dean are on their respective laptops, while Castiel is reading _Alice in Wonderland_. Once in a while, Dean steals some glances at Cas, being happy with just having him there. Things in between them aren’t progressing as well as Dean hoped for; they haven’t talked about anything, but at least they get to spend some time together, whether if it’s just training or just spending their free time together.

Whenever Castiel catches Dean staring, Dean quickly looks back to his laptop. He stares too much, and it probably looks creepy to Cas, but Dean can’t help it. He likes having Cas, he likes seeing him in their home, he likes seeing him as a part of his life when there are no monsters involved.

“I think I found us a case,” Dean says after a while, getting Sam’s attention. “In Evansville, Indiana. Five houses have been burnt in a week, in different days, but all in the same neighborhood. All started around night, and it seems that the fire starts burning from their backyard and it quickly spreads through the house. Nobody knows how it exactly started, but two witnesses swear that they saw some kind of monstrous black figure that resembled a cat”

“A cat?” Sam asks, arching both eyebrows.

“That’s what the report says.”

“Alright, let’s check it out. I’m gonna get my stuff,” Sam says as he starts switching off his laptop.

“Can I go?” Castiel asks, looking first at Sam and then at Dean.

“You wanna go hunting?” Dean asks, trying not to let his tremor show. Cas has improved a lot. He has gotten used to his strength and speed as a human, his aim is pretty good, and he kicks ass with a blade, but still, Cas is now human, and that means he’s vulnerable. The last thing Dean wants is to lose him. Again. “Do you feel ready?”

“Yes,” Castiel says casually, and then he squints his eyes. “You don’t think I am ready?”

No one is truly ready for a hunt. Both Sam and Dean have been hunting for almost their whole life, and most of the time, something goes wrong. Someone gets hurt eventually. Dean is scared that Cas will be the one who gets hurt this time.

Dean knew that sooner or later Cas would want to join them in a hunt, but he wasn’t ready for it. Cas is capable of hunting, Dean is well aware of that, but so many things could go wrong. Cas knows how to fight both with or without a blade, and he knows how to shoot a gun. But so do Dean and Sam, and they still get hurt every once in a while. And they have more experience than Cas.

Castiel keeps looking at Dean, expecting an answer. Sam looks at the two of them, wanting to say something, but not doing it, because this is one of those things that it’s only about Dean and Cas.

“Yeah, I think you are,” Dean ends up saying.

He doesn’t think so, but Cas needs some confidence and trust, and Dean will give them to him. After all, Cas won’t know the drill until he begins hunting. As much as Dean is worried about Cas’ well-being, he knows that Cas needs to do this. He needs some real practice.

Castiel nods and there is a hint of a smile. “Thank you.”

“Get your stuff and meet us in the garage when you’ve packed,” Dean explains.

“Of course.” He stands up, closes the book, leaves it on the shelf and walks away.

Dean starts switching off his laptop and feels Sam’s look on him. “What?”

“I thought you were gonna tell him that he wasn’t ready,” Sam says. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

Dean hums and doesn’t say anything. If he talks, he is afraid that he will reveal how scared he is about Cas getting hurt.

***

They find a motel that has a room for three people. When they make it to the room, they find two beds; one is a queen size bed and the other is a twin.

“Dibs on the twin bed,” Sam announces as he drops his duffel bag onto the bed.

Dean’s heart skips a beat and he remains still on his place. He is going to share a bed with Cas. That’s dangerous territory. Cas doesn’t seem to mind or be affected by this at all. He places his duffel bag onto the left side of the bed and starts looking for something. He says something to Dean, but Dean doesn’t hear him because he can’t stop thinking about the fact that he is going to sleep in the same bed as Cas.

“Dean,” Castiel says again, giving Dean a confused frown.

“Yeah?” Dean says, shaking his head.

“I asked you which side of the bed you prefer.”

“Oh. Uhm, the right side.” He walks towards the bed, placing his duffel bag on the free spot.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Yeah. Just a bit tired from the drive.” He’s been driving for almost eleven hours, so he can use that excuse.

“Why don’t you give me the keys and I drive around town to get some supper?” Sam asks. “It’s quite late, so we won’t be able to do much until tomorrow.”

Dean fishes the Impala’s keys from his pocket and he tosses them to Sam. “Bring something greasy. And beer.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “You should watch your diet.”

“This is what I think about diets,” Dean says, showing his middle finger.

Sam shakes his head and leaves the room.

“Sam is right,” Castiel says as he sits on the edge of the bed. “You should be eating healthier.”

“Don’t take his side,” Dean groans as he puts his toiletry bag on the bedside table.

“I can’t reduce your cholesterol levels anymore.”

Dean looks at him. “You did that?”

“Every time I healed you. Why do you think you could eat all that junk food without having any side effects?”

“I liked to think that I was able to burn all the cholesterol with just hunting.”

“You were wrong.”

Dean huffs and drops his duffel bag to the floor before sitting on the bed, stretching his legs on the mattress. “So now I’ve gotta start eating healthy?”

Castiel joins him, mirroring Dean’s position. The bed isn’t too big, so they only have a few inches in between their bodies. “I’m afraid so.”

“Fuck, man. I should have asked Billie to get me some kind of immunity against cholesterol.”

Castiel frowns. “You would have preferred to have that instead of having all the demons and angels locked up?”

Dean makes a thoughtful grimace. “It would have been a difficult choice.”

Castiel rolls his eyes. “Your priorities are strange, Dean.”

“Don’t give me that look. Food is one of the best things we have. Especially homemade food, that’s why I cook as much as I can when we’re in the bunker, but when we’re stuck in a motel because of a case, we can’t have that, and junk food is the best solution and such an awesome treat. Besides, eating healthy is so fucking expensive, and it’s not like we’re swimming in money, you know?”

Castiel makes an agreement face. “You have a point there. Still, you should be mindful with what you eat. You can’t live on burgers alone.”

Dean smirks. “Watch me.”

Castiel shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

Dean gives Castiel’s boot a playful kick, making Castiel look at him. “I’m joking, Cas.”

“You didn’t sound like joking.”

Dean rolls his eyes. He doesn’t feel like talking about that topic anymore, so he stands up, grabs his laptop and goes back to the bed, sitting next to Cas, being too aware of the closeness but not saying a word about it.

“What are you doing?” Castiel says after Dean has opened the browser.

Cas leans closer, until his arm is pressed against Dean’s, making their faces to be really close. Dean tries to keep himself together, trying not to be affected by the feeling of having Cas so close.

“I’m— I’m,” Dean starts. He clears his throat. _Keep your shit together, Winchester_. “I’m gonna try to find in the lore something about black figures that resemble cats.”

“Try looking for Slavic monsters,” Castiel says, still really close to Dean. “I think there is one who fits that description.”

“Alright,” Dean says. He starts typing and he quickly finds a website about Slavic lore. He starts reading about the monsters until he finds what he is looking for. “This is it. Ovinnik.”

“A malevolent spirit prone to burning the threshing of houses by setting fire to the grain,” Castiel reads out loud.

“But all the fires started on the backyard,” Dean says, looking at Cas’ eyes; they are so close that Dean can see himself reflected in those sapphires. “There were not threshing houses or any grain.”

Castiel frowns, making a thoughtful face. “Maybe the houses that burned down had some kind of orchard? Maybe the ovinnik had to adapt to the current times and it just burnt the closest thing it could find to some kind of grain.”

“Or maybe it just wanted to burn anything,” Dean says, looking at the picture of the ovinnik. He keeps looking at the website, trying to find a way to kill it. “It doesn’t say how to kill it.”

“Beheading might be the best choice.”

Dean nods. Beheading not always works, but at least it slows the monster. “We’ll talk to the witnesses and the police tomorrow and we’ll investigate the burnt houses and see if it’s an ovinnik or not.” He closes the laptop and places it on the bedside table, being careful of leaving it well set; he doesn’t want to accidentally break it.

Castiel moves a little, bringing back the small distance in between them. Once again, Dean is hit with a mix of feeling both relieved and disappointed at the same time.

He turns his face to look at Cas, who is focused on one of the holes in his jeans.

“Are you nervous about the hunt?” Dean asks, worried, but also hoping that they can get some honest talk.

“A little,” Castiel confesses.

“You’ll do great, Cas,” Dean admits, patting Castiel’s knee.

Before anyone can say anything else, Sam appears, bringing some Chinese food and beers with him. Dean quickly moves away from Cas, startled by the interruption. Sam doesn’t seem to have noticed how close they were sitting, and Dean is glad about it.

“Hey, we might have an idea of what monster we’re dealing with,” Dean says as he gets the beer and settles them on the table.

As they have dinner, both Dean and Cas inform Sam about what they found on the internet, and the three of them theorize about the monster.

After finishing their food, they each take turns to brush their teeth and then they get in bed.

Castiel is the last one to get in the bed, and the mattress dips as he settles on his side.

“I hope you don’t snore,” Dean says, trying to use humor as a way to avoid thinking about how close they are, and how easy it would be to remove those stupid inches in between them.

Apart from all the sexual fantasies about Cas that Dean has, he has always fantasied about sleeping next to Cas. Dean has always wanted to share a bed with him. He has always wanted to sleep next to him and wake up next to him. He thought that the first time that would happen, would be because both wanted to sleep in the same bed, not because they were forced to do so in a motel room.

But then again, life never gives Dean anything the way he wants to.

“I don’t know,” Castiel says before switching off the lights. “We will find the answer tomorrow morning.”

“Asshole.”

Castiel chuckles and rolls onto his side, showing his back to Dean. This time, Dean feels more disappointed than relieved.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel murmurs.

“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean whispers, looking at Castiel’s dark form.

He also rolls onto his side, facing Castiel’s opposite direction, just to avoid any accidental touching in between them, even though Dean yearns for some kind of physical touch in between them, something that will remove the inches that feel like miles in between them.

Cas falls asleep easily while Dean remains awake for a long time.

***

It takes them two days to find the ovinnik, and when they finally do, trying to kill it or even hurt it, seems to be a really difficult task.

The ovinnik manages to scratch the three of them, tearing part of their clothes and making them bleed. But it also keeps kicking them and throwing them against the closest wall, hurting them badly.

Bullets don’t affect it and they don’t slow it down either. But they piss it off a lot.

Dean looks around the floor for his machete, which is far away from where he is lying. Sam’s machete has been melted by the ovinnik’s fire and Castiel’s machete has been thrown to the ceiling, and not even Sam can reach it.

Sam keeps shooting the ovinnik, trying to hurt it, or to slow it down, but it only makes it angrier. The ovinnik reaches Sam, throwing his gun away and then throwing Sam against the wall.

“Go and get the machete,” Castiel whispers to Dean. “I’ll distract it.”

“Cas, no,” Dean hisses, but Cas doesn’t listen and runs towards the ovinnik.

The ovinnik turns around, noticing Cas and it grabs him by the neck, pressing him against the wall, lifting him without any effort at all. Castiel tries to free himself from its tight grip, but it is useless. He tries to kick him and punch him, but the ovinnik, once again, is unaffected.

Cas starts struggling for breath, his body quickly starts to give up. And that’s when Dean manages to behead the ovinnik. His head rolls onto the floor, dots of black blood spreading in its direction.

Castiel drops onto the floor, coughing, trying to get some needed air.

“What the fuck were you thinking?!” Dean yells, angry and hurt. “Are you fucking insane?!”

Castiel glares him but he doesn’t say a single word; he still needs to catch his breath.

Sam approaches them and he puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder, pulling him away. “Dean, take it easy on him, okay?” He offers his hand to Cas so he can stand up. Cas takes it and stands up. “You okay, man?”

Castiel nods as he touches his neck. “Yes. I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” Dean says. “Let’s burn that body and get out of here.”

Before Cas or Sam can say anything to him, Dean is walking away, going to the Impala to get some gasoline to burn the corpse of the ovinnink.

***

The moment the three of them are in the motel room, Dean can’t hold his anger anymore. He managed to remain quiet while they burnt the ovinnink and while they drove back to the motel, but he can’t take it anymore.

“What the fuck were you even thinking, Cas?!” Dean asks, turning around to look at Cas, who immediately glares him.

“Dean—” Sam begins to say with a warning tone.

“This doesn’t concern you, Sam!” Dean yells, and Sam makes a disbelieving face that Dean decides to ignore. “You could’ve been killed!”

“I wasn’t,” Castiel says.

Dean clenches his jaw and glares him. “Why is it that you always have to do something stupid that risks your life?! Is that the only solution to you?!”

“I didn’t see a better choice, Dean!”

“You always say that!” Dean yells, getting closer. “There wasn’t any other choice! It was the only thing I could do!” He yells, mockingly, making Castiel clench his jaw. “You’re always so eager to get yourself killed!”

Castiel lets out a bitter chuckle. “It’s quite ironic that you are the one saying that, don’t you think? When you are always the first one doing something that involves getting yourself killed!”

“At least I do it because there really is no other choice!”

“Of course,” Castiel sasses.

“Don’t use that tone! You always think that you’re so righteous and that your choices are always the best, but you always end up fucking up everything! You hide stuff from us and run away without a fucking word and when you come back, things are so fucked up there’s no way to fucking fix it! And if you think that’s not the case, look at what happened to Mom!”

The moment Dean has said the last word, a tense silence falls upon the room. Dean knows he shouldn’t have said that, that those words are a product of his anger and pain, but he can’t take them back. He is still furious about Cas risking his life and all that anger and pain has poisoned him, making him unable to control himself, or to even show some regret. He stands there, looking at Cas with too much hurt.

Castiel looks at Dean, angry and hurt. There are tears forming on the corners of his eyes, but he doesn’t let them out.

“Fuck you, Dean,” Castiel says. “Fuck you.”

Castiel walks towards the bed, where his duffel bag is and he grabs it.

“You’re in a hurry to leave again?” Dean asks, with a venous voice. “Of fucking course.”

Castiel glares him. “I don’t know why my leaving bothers you so much when you clearly don’t want me here.”

Something in Dean’s heart breaks at hearing those words, but his face doesn’t show it.

“Cas, c’mon,” Sam says, giving Cas a pleading look. “You can’t—”

“I’m sorry, Sam. But this is for the better.”

Castiel opens the door and closes it behind him with a bang. Sam gives Dean a deadly glare and is about to open the door to go after Cas when Dean says, “Let him go.”

“Are you serious?” Sam says, giving Dean a despiteful look.

“Yeah,” Dean murmurs, letting himself drop onto the bed he shared with Cas. “He won’t come back.” He looks at Sam, defeated. He is starting to realize the consequences of his words and his actions, and he knows there is no way to fix it anymore.

Sam notices that Dean has realized how harmful he was to Cas, so he sighs. “He will come back eventually. He always does.”

“No. He won’t come back this time. After this, Cas has no reason to come back at all.”

And as he says that, a few tears spill from his sore green eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, for leaving kudos and comments, and for the bookmarks and the subscriptions :')

Dean knows Cas is pissed at him and that he won’t come back. Still, he sends him a few text messages, desperate to get some answer from him, but most all, he is desperate to apologize.

_ **I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry, Cas.** _

_ **Just let me know that you’re alright, okay?** _

_ **Cas, please, answer me.** _

_ **I’m sorry. I fucked up and I’m sorry.** _

Castiel never answers.

Dean eventually tries to call him but once again, Castiel doesn’t answer.

He keeps trying to reach Cas, but whenever he calls him, the phone goes straight to voicemail. At first he thinks that Cas forgot to charge his phone, but after the same thing happens over and over again, Dean starts fearing the worst.

Unless Cas’ phone isn’t on, he can’t track him down, but Dean can track him down by knowing where he used his credit card. After all, he gave Cas that card when he first left the bunker, so he knows the number.

He grabs his laptop and tries to see when was the last time Cas used his credit card and where. His stomach drops when he sees the last time he used it was nine days ago, just when his phone started going directly to voicemail. It can’t be a coincidence.

What if something terribly bad happened to Cas? Dean doesn’t dare to start thinking about that. Something must have happened. Cas might have gotten ridden of his phone, but he left without any cash, which means that he depended on his credit card, and he hasn’t used it for nine days. Something must have happened.

Dean needs to find Cas.

He grabs his phone and calls to the only person who might be able to find Cas.

“Hel—”

“Rowena,” Dean says, interrupting her. “I need you to find Cas.”

“What happened to the handsome ex-angel?” Rowena asks, with a worried voice.

“It’s a long story. Can you find him?”

“Of course I can. But I will need something of him to make the locating spell. Like a hair or something he wore.”

“Okay. Well, just come here to the bunker and we’ll find something. Just be quick, please.”

Rowena sighs. “Why is it that every time you or Samuel calls me I have to be there as soon as possible?”

***

“Bloody hell,” Rowena says after Dean has explained all that went down with him and Cas.

“Yeah,” Dean says with a grimace. 

“Why did you have to be so harsh with him?”

“I was mad, okay? He almost got himself killed. It was his first hunt as a human and he didn’t even think about how reckless he was.”

Rowena arches her brow. “Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?”

Sam chuckles at that while Dean glares the two of them. “Whatever,” Dean says, ignoring both Rowena and Sam. “How accurate is that spell?”

“Quite accurate,” Rowena says as she starts putting all the ingredients in the bowl. “I’ll be able to tell you in which city or town he is and in which area he might be.”

“That’s good. That’s really good.”

Rowena smiles, pleased.

“And when she locates him, what are you gonna do?” Sam asks.

“Go to wherever he is and see if he isn’t hurt,” Dean answers.

“And then?”

“I— I’ll try to bring him back home.”

“Good luck with that,” Rowena scoffs. “If I were Castiel, I would punch you if I saw your face again.”

“I have to try.”

“Then try not to be an emotionless and cold hearted douchebag.”

Dean glares him.

She drops into the bowl one of Castiel’s ugly socks and then she starts reciting in Latin. A purple flame appears and Rowena’s eyes turn into purple as well. She closes them and after a few seconds, and when she opens them, her eyes slowly turn to their usual color.

“He is in the northwest of Canyonville, Oregon,” Rowena states.

Dean breathes relieved. If Rowena has been able to locate him, it means that Cas is alive. “Thank you,” Dean says before leaving the room.

“Wait!” Sam says, making Dean turn around. “Are you gonna leave right now?”

“Yeah. The sooner I leave, the sooner I’ll get to him.”

***

It’s a twenty five hour drive and Dean only stops once to sleep in a motel room and another time to refill the Impala’s tank. He drives faster than it is allowed, but he doesn’t care; he needs to see Cas.

It’s been more than two weeks since Cas walked away and Dean hasn’t heard a word from him. Cas is probably still pissed at him, and Dean knows that it’s his fault. He fucked up, but he is going to do anything that he can to fix this. They both fucked everything up tons of times in the past and they always found a way to fix it and move pass it.

But Dean fears this time they won’t be able to fix anything.

Since Chuck died, both he and Cas had been dancing around the issue, trying to fix what was broken, but unable to do anything about it. They just pretended that nothing was wrong, while everything was wrong, and it hasn’t worked.

Dean doesn’t know what will happen once he and Cas see each other.

By the time he reaches Canyonville, it’s already dusk and it’s raining heavily. He drives until he is in the northwest side of the city, looking around, trying to spot Cas somewhere, but he doesn’t see him.

He drives around, until he finds a motel and decides to try his luck there. At this time and with this weather, Dean is sure that Cas might be wherever he might be sleeping, sheltering from the rain, and a motel room seems like a good guess.

He parks the car on a free spot and he walks towards the entrance of the motel, drenching himself.

There is a man in his fifties behind the counter, and he gives Dean a small glare when he sees him drenched and dripping onto the floor.

“How can I help you?” the man asks with a raspy voice.

“I’m looking for someone,” Dean says as he fishes his phone, looking for a photo of Cas. “He might be staying in here.”

“I can’t give you that kind of information.”

Dean was expecting that, but he was hoping that he would get that information without having to pay the guy. He gets his wallet and gives him a fifty dollar bill before showing him Castiel’s face again.

“Is he staying here?” Dean asks, quite irritated.

The man gets the bill and looks at the photo. “Yeah. He’s in room 13.”

“Thanks.”

Dean walks out and looks at the two floors of the motel room, trying to make out where room thirteen is. There are twenty rooms in total, so Cas’ room must be on the second floor.

Dean walks upstairs, drenching himself even more under the heavy rain. He walks until he sees the number thirteen on the door. There is light coming from the room, and Dean stops walking, feeling how his heart begins to beat rapidly and how his stomach starts doing funny things.

He takes a deep breath. He can do this. He wants to do this. But he is nervous as hell.

What if he fucks things up in between them again? What if he loses Cas forever? What if he hurts Cas even more?

Dean takes a look at the closed door, feeling scared and nervous. He has survived several apocalypses, he has fought against monsters, angels and demons, and yet, the idea of having a heart to heart conversation with Cas seems more terrifying than any of that.

He takes another deep breath and walks towards the door, knocking on it.

The door opens, revealing Castiel, unharmed, looking quite good, and Dean can’t help letting out a relieved sigh.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says.

Castiel’s surprise turns quickly into anger. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I— Can I come in? Because it’s raining a lot.”

Castiel looks at him for a moment. Then he grunts and steps aside, letting Dean in, who is immediately thankful for the shelter and the warmth.

Castiel leans against the door. “Dean, what the hell are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see if you were alright. I’ve been calling you and texting you and you didn’t answer. Every time I called you, your phone was dead.”

“Didn’t it occur you that maybe I didn’t want to talk to you?”

“Yeah. But your phone was dead for nine days, Cas. I was starting to get worried. I also—” He clears his throat, uncomfortable with confessing the next thing. “I also checked your credit card records, and they showed that you hadn’t used it for nine days, and I thought it couldn’t be a coincidence. I was worried that something had happened to you.”

Castiel shakes his head, and his expression is hard to read. “How did you find me, then?”

“Rowena.”

“I should have warded myself against witchcraft.”

“Cas, c’mon—”

“Now that you have seen that I’m alright,” Castiel begins to say as he moves away from the door. “I think it’s time for you to go back to Lebanon.”

Dean knew things weren’t going to go easy in between them, but he wasn’t expecting Cas to end things this quickly. “Cas, just—”

“Just what?” Castiel snaps. “What the fuck do you want, Dean?”

“To talk!” Dean snaps, hating himself for raising his voice. He takes a deep breath and rubs his neck, trying to calm himself. “And to apologize for what I said.”

Castiel looks at him, without saying a word, but his eyes are a sea of complicated emotions.

“I was mad, really mad, Cas, and as always, it made me say things that I didn’t mean. And I’m sorry, I really sorry.”

Castiel sighs, tiredly, and he presses his back against the wall. “Dean, I can’t keep putting up with being the target of all your anger. I’m tired of it.”

“I know, Cas. But—”

“Dean, it’s been more than a year,” Castiel interrupts, sounding so hurt. “I knew you were mourning your mother, and that it was hard, and I was patient with you, because I knew how painful it was the loss of your mother, but you kept over and over again throwing your anger at me, blaming me for her death. I know I should have told you about Jack, but I didn’t kill your mother.”

“I know, Cas. I know,” Dean admits. “He was also my responsibility, too. And Sam’s. We all screwed it up somehow. And I know that you tried to do your best, even though it wasn’t the best choice.”

“Do you really mean that or are they just empty words?”

“I really mean that, Cas.”

“Until when? Until you get mad at me again and decide to blame me again for her death like you did the last time?”

“Cas, after the last hunt I was mad—”

“Stop saying that!”

“You don’t understand!” Dean yells, frustrated.

“You keep saying that all the time and—”

“I was mad because you almost died!” Dean confesses, frustration, pain and anger slipping into his raised voice. “I almost lost you!”

Castiel looks at him, shocked.

Dean sighs and runs his fingers through his wet hair. “That night I wasn’t mad because of the things that happened last year. I was mad because you throw yourself to the ovinnik without hesitation and it almost killed you. I— Fuck, Cas, how many times are you gonna make me watch you die?”

“Dean…”

“I can’t lose you again. I’ve already lost you too many times. And now if you die, you fucking die. There’s no resurrection. There’s no— There’s no coming back.”

“I didn’t think you actually cared if I lived or died.”

Dean feels his heart break. “Did you actually think that?”

Castiel nods.

“Holy shit. Cas, I— Of course that I care if you live or die. What made you think that I didn’t?”

“Almost every single thing that you said to me last year. And everything that happened in between us.”

“Fuck.” Dean shakes his head, feeling tears on his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I know, Dean. I know.”

They remain in silence for a while, just looking at each other, not knowing what to say and processing what has just been revealed.

“Is that why you always leave?” Dean asks after a while. “Because you think that I don’t care about you?”

“Sometimes that’s the reason, yes,” Castiel confesses.

“Fuck,” Dean says again, hating himself even more.

“But sometimes I leave because that’s the only way to protect you.”

Dean looks at him, giving him a confused frown. “Protect me from what?”

Castiel takes a deep breath. “From making the wrong choice and having to carry it upon your shoulders.”

“That should be something I should decide myself, Cas.”

“I know that. But I always try to do it, just to make myself useful to you and your brother and as a way to fix all my mistakes.”

Dean sighs. He is feeling a little bit cold because of the rain on his body and clothes, but he doesn’t care about that now. There is another silence in between them, but this time, they aren’t looking at each other.

“Come home with me, Cas,” Dean pleads.

“Dean…”

“Please,” Dean interrupts as he walks closer to Cas, keeping some distance in between them. “Just come back home.”

Castiel looks at Dean with glassy eyes. “Dean, please…”

Dean places his hand on Cas’ forearm. “I miss you. Please. Come back home. Let’s go home. I want you to come back. I need you to come back.”

Castiel closes his eyes and starts shaking his head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” Dean asks, with tremor in his voice.

Castiel opens his eyes and looks at Dean. “Because I’m tired, Dean. I’m tired of getting hurt constantly, I—”

“I’m tired, too, Cas. I’m so fucking tired, too,” Dean confesses. “But even if I’m tired, I’m not gonna give up on you. I don’t wanna lose you.”

“You didn’t care about losing me last year.”

“Yes, I did. But I— I just didn’t prove it. But I cared. It hurt me when you walked away. Just come back, please. Come back home with me, Cas.”

“What do you want from me, Dean?”

_I want to be with you. I want us to be together. I want us to be happy. I want to have with you things that I have never allowed myself to have or even dream about. I want to grow old together with you. I want to be able to love you every day without aching about it every day._

But Dean doesn’t say any of those things. Now it’s not the right moment. So instead, Dean says, “I want us to be good again, to fix what’s been broken. I want us to stop being angry at each other. I want us to stop hurting. I want to be okay with you. I just— I just want my best friend back.”

Castiel closes his eyes, letting a tear fall down his eye. Dean then allows himself to shred some tears as well. He feels that he is about to lose Cas forever, and he can’t take it, but he keeps holding onto Cas’ forearm, not wanting to let go.

“Okay,” Castiel says, opening his beautiful but sad eyes. “Okay.”

“Really?” Dean asks, looking at Cas surprised.

“Really,” Castiel says, nodding. “Let’s try and fix this.”

“It won’t be easy.”

“It never is. But I want to try.”

“Awesome,” Dean says, managing to smile for the first time in so many days. He pulls away, aware of how long his hand has been holding Cas, but he doesn’t remove the distance in between them. “I should— I should get a room for myself tonight.”

“Stay here. The bed’s big enough for the two of us.”

“Do you—” Dean starts saying. “Do you really want me here?”

“Yes. I do.”

Dean lets out a relieved sigh. “Okay, then.”

“I would suggest you to take a hot shower, but I’m afraid that none of the showers in this motel have been able to produce hot water for two days.”

“That’s okay. I just need to get some dry clothes on and I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll give you some,” Castiel says, walking towards the tiny wardrobe.

“I can go to the Impala and get my duffel bag from the trunk.”

“That would involve getting wet again,” Castiel says as he hands Dean a black Henley and a pair or pajamas pants.

“Thanks, Cas.”

Castiel nods and sits on the bed while Dean starts removing all his clothes, except for his boxers, showing his back to Cas.

“What happened to you?” Castiel asks, worried, standing from the bed.

Dean frowns at first and then he remembers the bandage on his left shoulder blade. “A ghost threw me against some wall that had old nails on it from hanging frames and they got through my clothes and skin.” He looks at Cas as he explains it, and his heart melts when he sees Cas’ concern. “I’ve had worse,” Dean asks, shrugging casually.

“The bandage is wet. I should replace it with a dry one.”

“You don’t have to, Cas.”

“Just sit on the bed, Dean,” Castiel says as he walks towards his duffel bag.

Dean does as he is told, leaving the Henley on the bed. Cas sits next to him and starts removing the wet bandage.

“How did you get to Oregon?” Dean asks.

“Bus,” Castiel answers as he sticks the dry bandage. “I took different buses, until I ended here. I’ve been in Canyonville for five days.”

“How’ve you been paying stuff?” Dean asks as he grabs the Henley and puts it on, appreciating the dryness of it and most of all Cas’ scent left in the fabric. “You haven’t been using the card I gave you for more than a week.”

“I called Claire and she taught me how to get a fake credit card,” Castiel confesses as he stands up and throws the wet bandage. “I knew that you could track me by looking at my credit card records, so I got myself a new one to avoid being located. Also, I switched off my phone and removed the battery to also avoid being located.” He sits down on the bed, next to Dean, leaving only a few inches in between them. “I should have added some wards against witchcraft, but I didn’t think you would want to find me.”

“I’m glad you didn’t ward yourself against witchcraft,” Dean confesses.

“I’m glad, too,” Castiel says, looking at Dean.

Dean nods and makes a tiny smile. “Do you wanna sleep?”

“Yes. I’m tired.”

“Me, too.”

While Castiel puts on his pajamas, Dean gets in bed. The mattress isn’t great, but it isn’t the worst either.

Cas joins him and switches off the light. The bed is big enough for the two of them, allowing them to keep some distance in between their bodies. Dean would be bothered by that annoying space in between, but after everything that has happened in the last two weeks, he is just glad to be sharing a bed with Cas.

“Cas,” Dean says after a while.

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel says with a sleepy voice.

Dean turns his face to look at Cas. He can’t see him properly in the dark, but he can see that Cas has turned his face as well. “You aren’t gonna leave in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping, are you?”

“Of course not, Dean.”

“Okay,” Dean murmurs, turning his face again so he can stare at the ceiling. “Goodnight, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel whispers back. “I missed you.”

Dean closes his eyes and smiles, relieved.

When he wakes up next morning, Castiel is still in bed with him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :')

Dean is sitting on the hood of the Impala while Cas gets the key of his room back to the owner.

When Cas starts walking towards the Impala, Dean feels so many emotions blooming in his chest. Things are complicated in between them, but they both agreed on trying to fix it. And Cas is also coming home. If Dean is being honest, he is quite happy.

Now he only hopes for thing to finally start getting better.

“Here,” Dean says as he hands Castiel a cup of coffee he bought.

“Thank you,” Castiel says before taking a long sip of coffee. “I hate how dependent of caffeine I have become.”

Dean grimaces apologetically. “Yeah. It won’t get better. Sorry.” He grabs a paper bag and gets two sausage, cheese and egg sandwiches; one for him and another for Cas. “I also got this. They had some pastries, but they looked dry.”

“I can confirm you from experience that they are even drier than they look,” Castiel admits as he sits on the hood, next to Dean. He grabs the sandwich and he starts eating it. “How many hours does it take from here to Lebanon?”

“Twenty-five,” Dean answers with his mouth full. “We’ll stop in the middle to find some motel room and get some rest.”

Castiel simply hums and keeps having breakfast.

They finish their remaining breakfast in silence. Dean keeps stealing quick glances at Cas, still trying to make sure that the fallen angel has agreed to go back to Kansas.

When they are done with their breakfasts, they throw the waste into the closest bin.

“Ready for a really long drive back home?” Dean asks, clapping his hands.

“Of course.”

Dean smiles and the two of them get in the Impala. Dean starts the car and he looks at Cas, until the ex-angel notices Dean’s eyes on him.

“What?” Castiel asks, frowning.

“Nothing,” Dean says. “Just that I’m glad that you’re coming back home with me.”

Castiel smiles, timidly. “I’m glad that I’m coming back home with you, too.”

***

After driving for fourteen hours, they finally make a stop in Evanston, Wyoming, to get some needed rest. Dean used to drive for longer hours, but he is no longer in his twenties and thirties anymore, and his body is not what it used to be. They could have stopped at Salt Lake City, but Dean wants to be back home as soon as he can.

They get a room with two beds, much to Dean’s dislike, but he doesn’t have an excuse to sleep in the same bed as Cas anymore. Last night there was only one bed, and the last time they slept in the same bed was because there were only two beds and there were three people in one room.

Dean drops onto the bed, hurting himself in the back because of the really hard mattress. He groans, not only because of the slight pain, but also because of the tiredness.

“I saw a McDonald’s a few blocks down the street. Do you want me to walk there and get us some food?” Castiel asks, throwing his duffel bag onto the other bed.

“That’d be awesome,” Dean says, turning his face to look at Cas. “You really don’t mind?”

“I don’t. I really need to stretch my legs.”

Dean fishes in his pocket for the room’s key and he throws it at Cas, who catches it easily. “Thanks.”

Castiel nods and he leaves the room.

It doesn’t take Dean more than two minutes to drift off.

He wakes up startled when the door of the room closes. He tries to reach for the gun he tends to keep under the pillow, but he didn’t have time to put it when they arrived it, so he ends up throwing the pillow to Castiel, only registering that it is Cas and not an intruder the moment the pillow has left his hand.

Castiel easily moves to his side, dodging the pillow. He gives Dean a confused look.

“If I had been an intruder, a pillow wouldn’t have stopped me,” Castiel sasses as he moves towards the table.

“I didn’t have my gun,” Dean mutters as he stands up and grabs the pillow throwing it back to the bed.

Castiel gives him a deadly glare. “I should consider myself lucky, then.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I wouldn’t have shot you. In any case, I would’ve pointed the gun at you, but that’s all.” He approaches the table and sits on the chair, dragging it until he can be a bit closer to Cas.

Castiel sits down on the chair and he starts eating, Dean does the same, looking at Cas once every now and then, not wanting to be caught staring.

“You’ve been really quiet the whole day,” Dean murmurs, making Castiel look at him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Castiel answers, but his answer doesn’t seem to be true.

Dean wants to press the topic, call on Cas’ bullshit, but the last thing he wants to do is make something that will anger or hurt Cas. He doesn’t want to make Cas leave again; he just got him back.

“Okay,” Dean says, but the word tastes bad in his mouth.

Castiel doesn’t say anything else and the two of them continue eating in complete silence.

The only thing they say to each other before they go to bed is “Goodnight”. As Dean switches off the light, he finds himself unable to fall asleep despite being exhausted.

Slumber eventually finds him, and he surrenders to it, but he is still worried about Cas, which makes him have a restless sleep.

He wakes up a couple of times in the night. He rolls over to his side, facing Cas’ bed, when he notices that the bed is empty. He looks at the bathroom’s door, which is open, and Dean feels a shiver running down his spine.

He kicks the sheets and leaves the bed. He then notices that Cas’ duffel bag is on the floor, and Dean sighs relieved, because if Cas left, he would have picked up his bag.

For a moment Dean thought Cas had left again.

Still, it’s three A.M. and Cas isn’t in the room. Where the hell is he?

Dean walks towards the window and moves the curtains to see outside. He spots Cas, leaning onto the rail. Dean immediately puts on his sleepers and he leaves the room, joining Cas.

“Can’t sleep?” Dean asks before leaning his forearms onto the rail.

“No,” Castiel confesses, sighing.

“Me neither.”

“Nightmares again?”

“Restlessness.” He looks at Cas and the ex-angel nods. “What about you? What’s keeping you awake?”

“My head.”

“Heads can be a real nightmare sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Castiel whispers.

“Hey,” Dean says, turning slightly, getting into Cas’ personal space. He touches his shoulder and Castiel looks at him. “Talk to me.”

“Being human is hard,” Castiel begins to say. “I’ve been human before, but now it’s different, because I know this time is permanent. Adapting to everything that comes with humanity is turning out to be a difficult task.” He clenches his jaw and looks at the city, where only a few nightlights are on. “Sometimes it’s too much and sometimes it’s not enough.”

“That’s life,” Dean murmurs before dropping his hand. “You never really get used to it. We just pretend to get used to it, but we really don’t.” He leans the small of his back against the railing and he keeps looking at Cas.

“You don’t see to be struggling.”

Dean chuckles. “That’s ‘cause I’m good at faking it. We all are.”

Castiel closes his eyes and nods. A chilly breeze blows around them, and Castiel sighs at its feeling.

Dean moves his hand closer, until his fingers can brush Castiel’s. The contact makes Castiel open his eyes and look at their hands before he looks at Dean. It’s an intimate gesture, but Dean knows from experience that a slight touch can mean so much, that it can actually ground someone and that it can bring some sliver of peace.

“You’ll be okay, Cas,” Dean murmurs. “You’re a tough guy. And so fucking stubborn, so you won’t let life fuck you.” He smiles at that and Castiel rolls his eyes, but Dean can see the hint of a smile on his lips. “You’ll do fine. You just need time. That’s all.”

“I’m surprised you still have faith in me.”

“You were the one who actually started making me believe in angels, so…” He shrugs, casually. He moves his hand away, immediately missing Cas’ warmth. “C’mon, let’s get inside and try to get some sleep before we freeze ourselves out here.”

Castiel nods and he walks into the room, followed by Dean.

***

“Castiel!” Rowena exclaims delighted when Dean and Castiel appear in the library.

“What are you still doing here?” Dean asks, frowning.

“Hello to you, too, Dean,” Rowena sasses, glaring him. “I wanted to see if Castiel was alright. You left both I and Samuel worried about his well-being.” She approaches Cas and she gives him a flirting look that would make Dean extremely jealous if Cas wasn’t so terrible on realizing when someone is flirting with him. But Dean still feels some pinch of jealousy. “My, my, Castiel. Humanity looks good on you. You should have gotten rid of that trench coat years ago. It hid some of your best features.”

Castiel tilts his head and squints his eyes. “I still have my trench coat. But it isn’t cold enough to wear it yet.”

“Burn it, dear. You would be doing me and Dean a huge favor. Right, Dean?”

Dean blushes all the way up to the tip of his ears. Castiel looks at him, still confused by Rowena’s words.

“Where’s Sam?” Dean asks, clearing his throat.

“Showering. He came back from running stinking,” Rowena answers, scrunching her nose.

“He left you alone here?”

“Why are you so scandalized about it?”

“Because we have tons of books and things you might want to steal.”

“I know how to behave myself, Dean.”

Dean gives her a sassy look.

“Most of the time,” Rowena concedes.

Dean shakes his head and chuckles. “What have you collected this time?”

“Nothing. I’m capable of obtaining things by myself without any of your help. Not unlike you three.”

“She has a point,” Castiel says.

Dean rolls his eyes and glares his friend. “Don’t take her side.”

“Cas!” Sam exclaims, as he appears into the library. He is fully dressed, but part of his hair is still wet. “How are you?”

“I’m good, Sam. How are you?” Castiel says, with a soft smile.

“I’m good.” He smiles and he clasps his arm. “It’s good to have you back, man.”

“Thank you.” He nods. “I’m going to leave all my stuff in my room, if you don’t mind.”

“Go ahead,” Dean says, with a smile.

“So, are you guys good?” Sam asks once Castiel has left the library.

Dean shakes his hand. “More or less. We still have to figure things out, but we’re working on it.”

“I’m surprised he decided to come back with you after everything,” Rowena says with a surprised face. Then, she studies Dean with her gaze. “Did something steamy and exciting happen between you two?”

“What?! No! Of course not!”

“There’s no need to be so defensive, Dean. It was just a question,” Rowena says with a playful smile that Dean doesn’t like at all. “Does that mean that Castiel might be interested in experiencing the most carnal aspects of humanity with a beautiful and powerful red-haired witch? Or are you going to get defensive about that too?”

Dean glares her and feels how his face is turning into a scarlet shade. “I’m gonna go to my room and leave all my stuff there.”

Dean walks away from the library, being both pissed and ashamed.

***

While Dean is getting ready for bed, there is a knock on his door.

“Just one moment,” Dean says as he stops unzipping his jeans. He doesn’t bother to put on some sleepers and decides to walk barefoot to open the door, finding Castiel. ”What’s up, Cas?”

“I’m looking for a book that I had on my bedside table but isn’t there anymore. It’s not in the library either,” Castiel explains. “Have you seen it?”

“Which book was it?”

“_The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_.”

“Yeah, I got it in here. If I can remember where the hell I left it,” Dean says. He turns around and starts looking at his shelves. “Just come in and help me find it. If it’s not in my shelves, it’s in some drawer or in that desk.”

Castiel does as he is told and starts looking around.

When Dean has finished reading the spines of the books on his shelves, he groans. “I swear I had it here. Have you found it yet?” He turns around and sees that Castiel is staring at the content of a drawer. “Cas?” Dean asks, approaching him, and then he sees that the book is there, but there’s also a photo of Mary with Dean when he was four years old.

“You used to have her photo on display,” Castiel says, his eyes still focused on the photo.

“Yeah. I will put it on display eventually, when— when it doesn’t hurt to look at the photo.”

Castiel nods. “She was kind to me. Even though I wasn’t of her blood, she still cared about me.” He grabs the book and closes the drawer. “I failed her.”

“Hey, none of us expected Jack to kill her. Even when you knew what was going on with him, did you think he was gonna be able to kill her?”

“No. I didn’t. I knew things weren’t right with him, but I didn’t expect him to do something like that.”

“Me and Sammy would have thought the same. It was all so sudden, so stop beating yourself for it,” Dean says, and he truly believes his words after all this tiresome year.

Castiel looks at him and his eyes are full of emotion.

“What?” Dean asks, confused.

“It’s nice to hear you say that,” Castiel confesses.

“Well, I guess I just needed time to process everything and mourn, like you said. I’m— I’m sorry that I decided to be so angry at you. I wasn’t in a good place, but I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. I shouldn’t have said any of the stuff I said. I sorry I hurt you.”

Castiel smiles. “I’m also sorry for hiding so many things from you. I know it wasn’t the best choice.”

Dean nods. “Yeah. But I know you were trying to help.”

“Sometimes that isn’t enough.”

“Maybe. But it’s fine.”

There is a small silence in between them that they spend just looking at each other.

“Thank you for the book,” Castiel says eventually.

“Yeah, sure. Enjoy it,” Dean says, trying to make a smile that looks honest.

Castiel nods and he starts walking towards the door.

“Cas,” Dean says.

“Yes?” Castiel asks, turning around.

Dean starts moving his mouth, unable of what to say. He knows what he wants to say, _spend the night with me_. But there is no way he can say that. As much as he wants to share a bed with Cas again, and more other things that he doesn’t allow himself to think because he knows he will never have that, he knows Cas will refuse the idea of sharing his bed.

So like always, Dean swallows his feelings and he says, “Goodnight.”

Castiel smiles. “Goodnight, Dean.”

Then he leaves the bedroom, closing the door behind him. Dean drops onto the bed and sighs.

Like always, Cas is so close and yet so far.

But at least things are slowly getting better in between them.

Then, why does he want more when he knows he won’t be able to have it?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading, for the comments, the kudos, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :')

Castiel once said that waking up Dean was like waking up a bear. It’s kind of true. Dean hates being awake all of a sudden. He likes waking up slowly, so he can linger in bed for a little while, allowing his body to slowly wake up. If he doesn’t get to have that, he is grumpy and needs coffee to be properly awake.

That’s why, most of the times, when Dean wakes up in the bunker, he isn’t grumpy.

It also helps waking up and knowing that Cas is still there. But Dean doesn’t tell anyone that.

He wakes up, goes to the bathroom to relieve himself and then he goes to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Dean decides to make some pancakes for today and also some bacon. He is even going to make a fruit salad for later. Just to balance all the cholesterol they are going to ingest.

As he starts making the batter, he hears Cas dragging his feet.

Cas is the grumpiest person in the morning. He hates mornings. And he needs to have at least two cups of coffee to remove his grumpiness.

It’s better not to say a word to Cas before he has had his first cup of coffee, but Dean is such a teaser.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Dean greets with a bright smile.

Castiel grunts, shows him his middle finger and then goes to the coffee machine.

Dean can’t help but laugh.

Whenever Cas is in the bunker, neither Dean nor Sam make coffee. Cas is a disaster in the kitchen, but somehow, he manages to make the best coffee. It has become a rule in the bunker that as long as Cas is there, Cas has to make coffee.

While Dean keeps mixing the batter, he hears the coffee machine working. He looks at Cas, still angry about the existence of mornings, and Dean smiles. He loves waking up and having Cas in the kitchen, being part of his life. It makes his chest hurt in a good way.

Dean brings his focus back to the batter, until Cas nudges him on the arm. Dean looks at him and grabs the mug with coffee that Cas offers him.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean says, smiling. Their fingers brush, and Dean feel his heart skipping a beat.

Castiel nods and takes a long sip from his own mug. Dean drinks too, humming pleased at the taste.

“It’s so damn good, Cas,” Dean says, leaving the mug on the counter.

“Thank you,” Castiel says, managing to make a tiny smile. Something that could be considered a miracle given that he is still grumpy because he has only had one cup of coffee. He drinks the remaining of his drink and walks to the coffee machine to pour himself the second one. “Do you drink something before coming to the kitchen?” Castiel asks as he approaches Dean, leaning the small of his back against the counter.

Dean frowns. “No. Why do you ask?”

“I find it unnatural to be in such a happy mood this early without any coffee in your system.”

Dean shrugs. “Depends on the morning.”

_More like it depends if Cas is here or not_, Dean thinks.

He looks at Cas. His hair is always messy, but when he wakes up every morning, it looks as if he had been having sex all night, and it is unfair how good he looks with that wild hair. Dean tears his eyes from Cas, not wanting to stare way too much, and he starts putting the batter onto the griddle, avoiding thinking about how nice it would be to run his fingers through that hair while they kiss.

“Do you need any help?” Castiel asks.

Dean makes a thoughtful look and then says, “Yeah. Why don’t you get some fruit and peel it and slice it a put it on a bowl?”

“Are you ever going to let me use the stove?”

“Yeah, I will. Once you stop burning food.”

Castiel rolls his eyes and grumbles something in enochian while he walks to Dean’s right side, where the fruit is. “I can’t get better if I don’t practice.”

He has a point. “You need supervision. And also to be awake. I don’t trust your cooking skills on mornings.”

“Fair point.”

Dean smiles and looks at him again. Cas is wearing his robe, a t-shirt and boxers. Along with his sleepers. He has been wearing that every morning, which makes it so hard for Dean not to stare. He tries to avoid looking anywhere that isn’t Cas’ face, but it’s so difficult when Dean can see his thick thighs or his strong chest. And worst of all, the area hidden by his boxers. Sometimes Dean’s eyes act on their own and he finds himself staring and he has to force himself not to look at any part of Cas’ body.

Castiel lifts his arm, reaching for a bowl in the cupboard, and part of his t-shirt lifts, revealing skin, his sharp hipbones and part of his enochian tattoo, and Dean stares, feeling his mouth go suddenly dry.

Before Castiel can notice, Dean moves his eyes back to the pancakes, feeling how his whole face blushes. Better to have an effect on his face than on his dick.

He has always been attracted to Cas, but before he fell, Dean had to use his imagination to know what was hidden under all those clothes Cas wore. Now, he can see almost every part of Cas every morning, and it’s breathtaking, and Dean wants to touch him and kiss him everywhere, and praise every inch of his body.

And he also should stop before all his blood decides to go south.

“Do you think this will be enough?” Castiel asks when he has peeled and cut the fruit.

“Yeah,” Dean says, licking his lips. “Thanks, Cas.”

Castiel nods and walks to the table, leaving the bowl with fruit there.

“Good morning, guys,” Sam announces when he steps into the kitchen.

“Good morning, Sam,” Dean and Castiel say at the same time.

“Donna sent me an email,” Sam begins to tell while he approaches the coffee machine to pour himself the remaining coffee. “She has a case in Stillwater, Minnesota, probably some vampires. But she thinks there’s also another case in Lawton, Oklahoma. Some friend of hers has reported some unusual deaths.”

“How unusual?” Castiel asks, frowning.

“Apparently, all the victims either drowned when they were sleeping or they were burnt in bed. Nobody knows how they drowned or how they got burn.”

“Sounds fun,” Dean says, sarcastically. He puts the bacon on a plate and he carries both the bacon and the pancakes to the table where Sam and Cas are already sitting. He sits next to Cas. “So how do you propose we do this?”

“I was thinking about going to Minnesota while you and Cas go to Oklahoma,” Sam answers as he serves himself some pancakes. “Donna’s good with vampires, but she’ll need some back-up. Apparently, Jody and the girls are busy with something in Sioux Falls, so that’s why she called.” He looks at Dean, and he notices that he is frowning. “Something’s wrong?”

Dean shakes his head. “No. I was just thinking about the case in Lawton,” Dean says.

“You think you two can handle it?”

“Of course,” Castiel says.

Dean nods. He knows that they can handle it. But he is worried about Cas getting hurt again.

***

Dean knocks on Castiel’s ajar door before opening it a little bit more. “You ready?”

“Almost,” Castiel says dryly.

“Cas, are you okay?” Dean asks. Cas is mad, and Dean doesn’t have any idea about why his friend might be angry.

Castiel clenches his jaw and gives Dean a mean look. Apparently it has to do with Dean. That’s not a good sign.

Things have been going pretty good for the last four days. Eventually, something had to happen. The thing is that Dean has no idea what he did this time.

“You don’t want me on this hunt,” Castiel accuses.

Dean frowns. “What makes you think so?”

“Your attitude this morning. When Sam mentioned you had to get stuck with me, you were unhappy.”

Dean sighs. “That’s not it, Cas.”

“Then what is it?”

Dean sighs and feels some blush coming to his cheeks. He hates having to admit the truth, but they have lied to each other too many times, and some truth could do them so good, so Dean answers, honestly, “I don’t want you to get hurt again or— or something worse.”

Castiel’s eyes soften, but there’s some disappoint in them. “I can take care of myself, Dean.”

“I know. Just promise me you won’t do anything reckless or stupid.”

Castiel clenches his jaw and glares him. “Only if you promise me not to do something reckless or stupid as well.”

Dean dedicates him a deadly glare. Cas can be so fucking stubborn sometimes. “You promise first.”

“Fine. I promise,” Castiel mutters while he grabs his duffel bag. “Now your turn.”

“I promise,” Dean says through gritted teeth. “Anything else?”

Castiel says something in enochian and leaves the room.

Dean follows him while he rolls his eyes.

***

When they reach Lawton, they get a motel room, change into their FBI suits and go to talk to Donna’s friend about the case. She shows them the files about the cases and she also shows them the two last bodies they found. One has been burn, barely leaving any flesh, while the other is in perfect conditions, only that their lungs were full of water.

By the time they finish in the morgue, it’s almost dark, and they both decide not to bother any families this late and get some pizza and eat in the motel room while they do some research.

Even when there is no more pizza left in the box, they keep looking into the victims, trying to find anything about them that might connect them, but they only have in common that they all were men and that they all were in their late thirties.

Dean rubs his face and yawns. “Maybe we should call it a night, don’t you think?” Dean asks, looking at Castiel with pleading eyes.

Castiel rubs his eyes and nods. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

Dean starts switching off his laptop, stealing a quick glance at Cas, noticing that something is worrying the ex-angel. “What is it?”

“If I didn’t have to sleep, I could keep researching on my own, like I used to.”

“Hey, don’t worry about that. Me and Sammy always had to sleep and we always ended up solving the case.” He gives him an encouraging smile as he stands up and stretches his arms, feeling some pain in his back. He is getting old. “There’s always tomorrow, Cas.”

Castiel nods. “Okay.”

They both undress. Dean avoids looking at Cas and focuses on the wall and its ugly painted paper. By the time Dean has changed into his pajamas, Cas is already getting in bed.

They both wish each other a goodnight and Dean switches off the lights, falling asleep easily.

He sleeps for hours, until some distressed noise wakes him up. He opens his eyes, and finds the room in complete darkness. He looks for a strange shadow or a strange figure, but there’s nothing there. He hears the sound again, and he recognizes that the pained sounds are coming from Cas.

“Cas?” Dean asks, sitting on his bed and switching on the light.

When the rooms is lighted, Dean sees that Cas is still in bed, with his eyes closed, but his head moves, as if he was trying to get away from something. He also keeps making those sounds, as if he were in pain, and Dean knows from experience that Cas is having a nightmare.

Dean walks towards Cas’ bed, sitting next to his body and he starts shaking him.

“C’mon, Cas. Wake up. Wake up, Cas. Just wake up.”

When Cas opens his blue eyes, they are filled with terror and pain. His hands grip Dean’s biceps tightly, and Dean startles at the whole thing, but he places a hand on Cas’ left shoulder, keeping him in place, trying to reassure him.

“It’s me, Cas. It was just a nightmare,” Dean says, as softly as he can.

Castiel’s breathing is uneven and shaky, and his body is trembling. He manages to sit on the bed, pulling the covers away. He does it so fast that Dean doesn’t have any time to keep him in place or do anything.

Castiel closes his eyes and grips the sheets tightly. He is trying to keep his body from shaking and trying to calm his breath, but he can’t.

“Cas,” Dean says, touching his right shoulder.

When he touches him, Castiel opens his eyes, revealing that he is about to cry and Dean hates to see him hurting that way.

“C’mere,” Dean says, embracing him until they are hugging and Cas can bury his face in the crook of Dean’s neck. “It’s okay, Cas. Just let it out. I’m not going anywhere.”

Castiel starts crying. He fists the back of Dean’s t-shirt, shaking while he cries. And Dean holds him tightly, murmuring soft words, stroking his back in circles, hoping that Cas will eventually feel better.

And eventually he does. His breathing evens, and his body stops shaking. He even stops crying, but he doesn’t pull away from Dean, and Dean doesn’t pull him away either.

“Thank you,” Castiel says, softly, pulling his face away from Dean. “And I’m sorry for—”

“Don’t apologize, Cas,” Dean interrupts, rubbing Cas’ back again. “You needed it. Nightmares can leave you pretty fucked up.”

“Yes. They definitely can,” Castiel admits, sighing tiredly.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Yeah, I get that.” He looks at Cas, trying to make sure that he is okay. “You okay?”

“I’m better,” Castiel answers, which doesn’t completely answer Dean’s question. “I should get some water.”

“Here,” Dean says as he stands up and walks towards his bedside table to grab a bottle of water. He walks back to Cas’ bed and he hands it to him.

“Thank you.” He drinks the water, slowly, and when he is done, he sighs and hands it back to Dean, who leaves it on Cas’ bedside table.

“Do you think you’re gonna be able to get some sleep?” Dean asks, worried.

“Yes, I think I will.”

“Okay.” Dean stands up and is about to walk back to his bed, but Cas grabs his wrist, stopping him. Dean looks at Cas, who can’t meet his eyes, and Dean can swear he seems to see some slight blush on his cheeks.

“Could you—” Castiel begins to say. “Could you sleep with me tonight, Dean? Please. Just tonight.”

Dean looks at him, a bit shocked. He wasn’t expecting that. He takes too long to answer, which makes Castiel look at him. He looks scared, but he also looks embarrassed about having to ask for that. Dean feels a pang of pain in his heart; Cas doesn’t seem to be happy about the idea of sleeping with Dean, but he needs it tonight. It hurts Dean, but at the same time, he knows Cas needs this, so he is going to give it to him. Even if it means a lot for Dean and it doesn’t mean anything to Cas, Dean is still going to accept it.

Cas has needed him in the past and Dean wasn’t there as much as he would have wanted to. Now Cas needs him again, and Dean is going to be there.

“Yeah, I can,” Dean answers.

Castiel sighs, relieved, and he lets go of Dean’s wrist, leaving the ghost of his touch on Dean’s skin. “Thank you, Dean.”

Dean nods and he walks to the right side of Cas’ bed. It’s a twin bed, so there’s not much space for two people, but neither of them seems to care.

When Dean is in bed, Castiel switches off the light and he turns around so he can face Dean, surprising him. Their knees touch under the covers, and Dean wants to remove the tiny inches in between them, but he keeps the distance, so does Cas.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel whispers.

“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean whispers back.

Castiel falls asleep easily, while sleep takes its time to come after Dean.

***

It turns out that the responsible of the mysterious deaths is the ghost of a witch that died in the end of the nineteenth century. She kills by the two ways most women suspected of witchcraft were killed in the past; by drowning or burning. And she only attacks men of the same age more or less because the lovers who betrayed her were that age.

She had been burnt, but an old lady who likes to collect old and occult stuff, ended up with a necklace that belonged to the witch.

Dean and Cas decide to go burn the necklace, but the witch shows herself and attacks.

Powerful ghosts are dangerous and make things hard, but a powerful ghost that was also a witch is even worse.

Both Dean and Castiel attack her with iron, but she reappears quickly, attacking them and throwing them against the closest wall.

“Where is the fucking necklace?!” Dean asks after hitting the ghost with iron for the tenth time.

Castiel is about to answer him when the witch reappears behind Dean. “Dean!” Castiel yells.

The witch gets his hand on Dean’s back and Dean starts to feel how his lungs burn as they are filled with water. His mouth quickly spurts water. Castiel attacks the witch with iron again, making her disappear, but Dean is still drowning.

“Hold on, Dean! Hold on!” Castiel says before he runs to the sofa, to get the necklace.

Dean is on the floor, unable to breathe. He tries to, but his lungs can’t stop getting more and more water inside them. He watches Cas, getting some gas on the necklace. He is about to burn it with a matchstick when the witch appears behind him. Dean wants to warn him, but he can’t.

The witch gets her hand on Castiel’s back, and Castiel groans, but he manages to drop the matchstick on the necklace, igniting it and the ghost of the witch starts burning.

Castiel doesn’t remain on the sofa to watch her burn and instead he runs towards Dean. He rolls him on his side as Dean starts coughing all the water that made it to his mouth, feeling his lungs empty, and being able to breathe, although with a slight pain.

“Dean, are you okay?” Castiel asks, cupping his face and looking at Dean, worried.

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m good,” Dean answers, still trying to get some needed air. He closes his eyes and leans onto Castiel’s touch. “Thanks, Cas.”

“You’re welcome, Dean.”

Castiel holds him while Dean still struggles to get some needed air. The fallen angel waits with him, never letting his hands go from Dean, who leans into the touch.

When Castiel sees that Dean’s breathing is even, he says, “Let’s get out of here.”

***

“Well, despite the whole drowning thing, the hunt went pretty well, don’t you think?” Dean says, looking at Cas on the passenger’s seat.

Despite being quite late, Dean had insisted on driving back to the bunker tonight. Castiel thinks Dean should get some rest, but sometimes the hunter is even more stubborn than Castiel.

“Yes, it went quite well,” Castiel admits, gladly. He was worried that he was going to fail Dean somehow, but he managed to save him in time and finish the ghost.

“Y’know,” Dean starts to say, and for some reason he sounds shy. “I missed going on hunts with you.”

Castiel smiles, timidly. “Thank you, Dean.”

Castiel is glad to know that Dean isn’t disappointed in him, that Castiel has managed to prove his worth. He still thinks that he will eventually let Dean down somehow, but Castiel doesn’t allow himself to think about that. For now, he is going to enjoy this. It’s been so long since the two of them could be like this.

He looks at Dean, who moves his eyes from the road to look at Cas, and they both smile before they both look away.

Castiel looks at the stars through the window, and for the first time since he became human, he doesn’t feel that hollow. He still feels some ache in his chest, but it’s not as painful as it used to be. At least not tonight.

“Do you wanna hear some music?” Dean asks.

“Of course,” Castiel says.

Dean grins and he presses the play button. _It’s Never Too Late_ by Steppenwolf plays, and Dean starts singing it. Castiel watches him, with a small smile on his lips. When Dean notices, he blushes and grins, but he keeps singing, this time louder, and Castiel ends up grinning.

For the first time in a long time, he is really happy and he isn’t scared about being happy.

He only hopes that this happiness won’t be ephemeral.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your amazing support, your kudos, your comments, your bookmarks and your subcriptions, and of course, for reading :')

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Dean mutters as Castiel extracts a huge piece of glass from his leg.

“Do you feel any other piece of glass inside your thigh?” Castiel asks after dropping the bloodied glass in the bathroom’s bin.

“I don’t think so.”

Castiel looks at the wound and then places his warm hands on Dean’s thigh, exploring with his fingers the skin, trying to find any remaining piece. “Does it now feel like you have any other piece of glass?”

“No. It feels like somebody is making the wound worse.”

Castiel glares him. “Sam, pass me the first aid kit.”

Sam hands it to Cas, who starts looking for a disinfectant, gauzes and plaster.

“How’s your head?” Dean asks.

Sam leans onto the doorframe and keeps pressing a cold can of beer against his temple. “Better than your wound.”

Dean smirks. “I could use some hair of yours to use as padding for my legs next time.”

Sam makes a disgusted face. “Dude. Gross.”

“This will smart,” Castiel warns, ignoring the Winchester brothers.

He starts to disinfect Dean’s wound and Dean grits his teeth, suppressing all the hisses and groans he wants to let out.

“Do you guys need me for anything else?” Sam asks, looking at how Castiel works. “I’m gonna walk down the street to get us some supper.”

“You can go, Sam,” Castiel answers. “Unless you feel light headed.”

“I’m good. It’s just a swelling.” He waves his hand and turns around. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When Dean hears Sam closing the door, he focuses his eyes on Cas’ hands, which are doing a marvelous job at healing his wound.

“When did you get this good at healing in the human way?” Dean asks.

“I’ve been learning a few things,” Castiel answers, keeping his eyes on the task at hand. “When you are prone to become graceless, it is good to learn some first aid and how to stitch.” He places some gauze on the wound and then he uses a sticking plaster to keep the gauze in place. “I might be unable to perform more serious healing processes, but I know how to heal and clean a wound in some decent way.”

“It’s more than decent, Cas. It’s almost perfect.” Both he and Sam know how to heal each other, but they always end up doing a bit of a mess. Cas, however, does a perfect job.

Castiel smiles shyly, but there’s appreciation in his expression. “Thank you, Dean.”

They look at each other, briefly, and Dean notices some dried blood on Castiel’s face. “You got some tiny wounds.”

Castiel frowns. “Where?”

“Here,” Dean says, reaching for Castiel’s right cheekbone. His fingers caress the skin, and Castiel tentatively leans into the touch. “And here,” Dean adds, sliding his hand down, until his thumb touches Cas’ bottom lip. “You’ve got a cut here.”

Dean caresses Castiel’s lip, softly, only registering what he is doing when his eyes and Castiel’s meet. Castiel parts his lips slightly, letting out a silent sigh. Dean licks his lips while he stares at Castiel’s, as chapped as usual, but as tempting as always. He could just lean and finally kiss him.

Castiel looks at him, with those beautiful blue eyes that always drive Dean crazy. Part of Dean believes that Cas wants to kiss him, but he isn’t sure if this is the right time or the right place. It is never the right time or the right place for them. Things have been going better in between them, but Dean doesn’t think they can just kiss and hope that everything will work out in between them.

Also, there is no way Cas would want to be with him. They could just kiss, have a great night together and then pretend that it wasn’t a big deal. But Dean doesn’t want that. He wants a serious relationship with Cas, but Dean is terrible at relationships, and the last thing he wants, is to lose Cas because he can’t be a proper partner to him.

As much as Dean wants to close that distance, he knows he can’t. Unless he becomes a better man, he can’t be with Cas. Cas deserves better. He doesn’t deserve some fucked up hunter who is scared of giving his heart to the man he loves.

“You should—” Dean says, clearing his throat and pulling his hand away. “You should clean your wounds. It’s not like they’re bad, but I guess you…”

“Yeah,” Castiel says, standing up.

Before he walks to the mirror, Dean can briefly see that Cas seems to be disappointed and devastated. Or maybe it’s just his mind playing tricks. He doesn’t know.

All he knows is that it is better that way. It hurts, but Dean isn’t worthy of Castiel. At least not yet. Maybe not ever.

Still, he looks at him, wanting to stop being so damn scared and self-dubious and to finally tell him how he feels.

***

Castiel hates mornings and he needs coffee to fully feel like himself. But this morning, he is more awake than usual. Nerves and anxiety have kept him up almost all night, and they made him wake up quite early, so he decided to linger in bed and wait until he heard Dean making breakfast in the kitchen.

He takes a deep breath and opens the door, walking to the kitchen. He finds Dean, whistling some Led Zeppelin song while he chops some vegetables he will use to make a frittata. When he notices Castiel, he grins.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Dean says.

Castiel grunts and walks towards the coffee machine, something that makes Dean chuckle. Castiel, on the other hand, feels a pain in his chest.

While Castiel makes coffee, Sam appears in the kitchen.

“You’re making something with vegetables for breakfast?” Sam asks, shocked. His eyes move from Dean to the frittata repeatedly.

“Yeah,” Dean says, casually, as if that dish was something he cooked daily. “I need to de-cholesterol my veins.”

“I think I’m gonna get some silver and holy water just to make sure that you’re not an impostor.”

Dean huffs and rolls his eyes. “Suit yourself.”

While Sam leaves the kitchen, Castiel pours some coffee in three mugs and he hands one to Dean.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean says with another big smile. “Aren’t you gonna go after some silver and holly water too?” He asks with a wicked grin before taking a sip of his coffee.

“I know it’s you.”

Dean arches a brow. “Yeah? How so?”

“Because of your eyes.”

Dean smiles and blushes, before he can say anything else, Sam appears with a flash and a knife. He splashes Dean’s face, something that earns Sam a deadly glare. Then, Sam touches the back of Dean’s hand with the silver knife and once again, nothing happens.

“Was it really necessary?” Dean asks, still glaring his brother.

“Yes,” Sam says. “I’m gonna put these back in place.”

Dean rolls his eyes as Sam exits the kitchen. “Unbelievable.” He turns off the stove and gets the frittata on a big plate.

As Dean walks towards the table, Castiel notices the bandage on Dean’s thigh. “How’s your wound going?” Castiel asks.

“Great,” Dean answers with a big smile while he watches how Castiel sits next to him. “My doctor is awesome.”

Castiel rolls his eyes but he manages to make a smile that he hides behind his mug.

Sam comes back to the kitchen and sits in front of Dean and Castiel. “Thanks for the coffee, Cas,” Sam says as he grabs his mug.

“You’re welcome, Sam.”

They have breakfast while Sam and Dean talk about their plans for the day. Castiel keeps eating and listens to them, trying to find a moment to tell them something important.

When there is a small silence, Castiel clears his throat and says, “I’m leaving for a while.”

Dean immediately stops eating and turns his face to look at Castiel with wide eyes while Sam just frowns.

“Leaving?” Dean asks with an almost trembling voice. “Where?”

“I don’t know,” Castiel answers. He really doesn’t know where he is going to. Only that he needs to leave for a while. “Is it okay if I go or do you need me on a hunt?”

“It’s completely okay,” Sam says, still frowning, but there’s some mild understanding in his eyes. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes. It’s just that I need to be out once in a while and be alone. I need to stretch my legs as you humans say.”

Sam’s frown disappears and he nods. “We get that, Cas.”

“Thank you. I’ll pack my stuff after breakfast,” Castiel says. He looks at Dean, who is avoiding Cas’ eyes and instead is glaring at his plate.

“How long will you be gone?” Dean mutters.

“I don’t know. As much as I need.”

Dean clenches his jaw. “Cool.”

Castiel frowns, not knowing why Dean is so upset. He looks at Sam, trying to find an answer in the younger Winchester, but Sam just shakes his head and waves his hand dismissively.

***

“Hey,” Sam says, knocking of Castiel’s door. “I’m gonna go for a run, but I just wanted to say goodbye to you before you leave.”

“Thank you, Sam,” Castiel says while he zips his duffel bag. “Is Dean still in his room?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“He seemed upset when I told him I was leaving.”

“Dean has never liked it when people leave. It’s a bit hard on him,” Sam explains, with a grimace. “He likes being around his family, so when we leave for an indeterminate time, it’s hard on him. He’s always been like that.”

Castiel nods.

“Anyway, I hope you have a nice time,” Sam says with a grin.

“I’ll try. Thank you, Sam.”

Sam nods and he walks away.

Castiel looks at his duffel bag and sighs.

He doesn’t want to leave, but he needs some time alone. Mostly because he thinks that the Winchesters will eventually grow tired of having him around, even if he has proved himself quite useful during hunts. But the main reason is because of his feelings for Dean.

He almost kissed Dean when he healed him, and Dean seemed to want to kiss him, too. Castiel would have kissed him if Dean hadn’t pulled away first. He didn’t know what that mean, but he felt sad, disappointed and hurt.

Castiel loves Dean, but Dean deserves someone better, someone who can give him a happy life, someone who isn’t a fallen angel who is trying to find out his place now that he is human. Someone who isn’t a waste of space.

He is leaving to calm the fire that burns every time he and Dean are close, every time they touch, every time they make each other smile and every time they look at each other. Castiel is constantly fighting against the urge to close the distance and kiss him, and tell him how much he loves him, and it hurts. Some time apart might help.

He sighs, grabs his duffel bag and walks down the hall, stopping by Dean’s door.

He knocks on the door and waits until Dean opens it. He has changed into his usual look; jeans, t-shirt, plaid shirt and boots, and he has his headphones resting around his neck. Some slow rock song is playing. He looks at Castiel expectantly, but his face is hiding every single other emotion.

“I— I just wanted to say goodbye,” Castiel says. “I’m leaving.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean says with disdain.

Sometimes, Castiel doesn’t really understand Dean. Maybe it is because Dean sometimes speaks more with gestures than words, or because sometimes he says something and he means a complete different thing. Castiel knows he isn’t great at communicating either, but he wishes Dean could actually tell him what is really going on in his mind.

“Have a safe drive, Cas,” Dean murmurs before he starts closing the door.

Castiel places his hand on the door, stopping the closing motion, and Dean scowls him.

“What the—?”

“You know that I am coming back, right?” Castiel says, making Dean look at him surprised. “Unless— unless I am not welcome anymore.”

Dean looks at him perplexed. “Why would you be unwelcome?”

Castiel shrugs a shoulder. “You seem upset with my departure.”

“I’m not upset,” Dean says, defensively.

“Dean,” Castiel says, with a tone that means, don’t bullshit me.

Dean takes a deep breath and his hand reaches for the lapel of Castiel’s trench coat. “Did I fuck things up again? Is that why you are leaving?”

Castiel drops his shoulders, releasing the tension of his body. He looks at Dean with a soft smile. “No, Dean. You didn’t fuck up anything. I just need to be away for a while. That’s all.”

Dean nods and drops his hand. “Okay.”

Castiel looks at Dean, unsure of what to do. “I will call you or text you when I have arrived to wherever I’m going.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“See you, Dean.”

“See you, Cas.”

Dean closes the door and Castiel starts walking away. This is for the better.

But then, why doesn’t it feel right?

***

That night, Dean lies awake in bed.

Even though Castiel told him that he is leaving because he needs to stretch his legs, Dean is almost one hundred percent sure that Cas left because of their almost kiss. Even though Dean managed to stop himself, he pulled Cas away. Cas might not admit it out loud, but Dean knows that’s the reason.

Still, he clings to Cas’ promise of coming back.

Dean rolls onto his side, sick of staring at the stupid ceiling and closes his eyes, trying to get some sleep, but he can’t. He can’t stop thinking about Cas’ departure.

No matter what, Cas always leaves. He always comes back, but he always leaves. And Dean hates it when he leaves.

He understands Cas’ need to leave once in a while, but he is constantly leaving and it hurts. It hurts so much. He wants Cas around, all the time. Having him around makes him happy, even if his heart aches because of his secret love for him, but having Cas in the bunker, even if he and Dean are just friends, is better than not having him at all.

But Cas has always been like that; ready to leave in any moment with or without any reason at all. He always has one foot in the bunker and the other outside.

Dean can’t judge him. Why would Cas want to be wasting his time around Dean?

But he always comes back. That has to mean something, right?

Or maybe not, because eventually, Cas always leaves.

Dean grunts and buries his face in the pillow.

Right now, all he wants to do is fall asleep. He is tired, frustrated and hurt. All he wants to do is fall asleep and stop feeling like hell just for a few hours.

Slumber only finds its way to Dean when Dean has drank a generous amount of alcohol.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so damn much for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions, and of course, for reading :')

While Castiel is away, he and Dean stay in touch. They text each other every day, and sometimes they call each other. It helps with the ache and the pining.

The last time Cas left, he didn’t pick up the phone when Dean called him nor he texted him back. The last time he left, he and Dean weren’t in good terms. Now their friendship is more or less back to normal, but there are still a few things they need to work out. Still, they are in a good place, so it is relief to know that Cas still thinks about Dean and wants to talk to him.

But Dean still misses him so much.

Like always, Dean buries himself in the job and in alcohol, but not as much as usual. Talking to Cas helps.

If only Cas would come back home already…

***

Dean gasps as he wakes up from a nightmare involving memories of Hell.

He sits on his bed and starts taking deep breaths. He presses his hands against his closed eyes, while his body shakes uncontrollably.

He counts to five as he inhales air and then counts to five again as he exhales.

Nightmares with the Mark of Cain are always terrible. But the nightmares with the things he did in Hell are much worse.

He grabs his phone and with trembling fingers, he texts Cas.

_ **Are you awake?** _

When he has these nightmares, he usually goes to the kitchen and drinks until he can’t see straight. But right now he is shaking so much and his breathing doesn’t seem to go back to normal. He isn’t sure he will be able to reach the kitchen without his legs collapsing. Besides, drinking will only stop his thoughts for a while. What he needs is a distraction.

His phone beeps and Dean reads Castiel’s text.

_ **Yes.** _

Dean types: _**Can I call you?**_

It only takes Castiel two seconds after Dean has sent his message to call him.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel says alarmed when Dean answers his call.

“I— I” Dean tries to say, but a sob breaks in, and he starts crying, unable to stop the tears.

“Dean? Dean, what happened? Are you alright?”

“I dreamt about Hell,” Dean manages to say. He keeps his voice low, not wanting to wake Sam up. He takes a deep breath, but he still keeps crying. “About what I did there.”

“Dean…”

“Just— Just talk to me about anything, please. I need a distraction.”

“Do you have any topic in mind?” Castiel asks, softly.

“Anything that doesn’t have to do with Hell or the Mark of Cain.”

Castiel hums. “How about if I tell you about how stars are born and how galaxies are formed and the universe in itself?”

Dean closes his eyes, shredding some more tears, but he sighs, relieved. “That would be amazing.”

Castiel begins to tell him about how stars are born, about the physical and chemical processes that stars go through. He explains how galaxies are formed and the different shapes they can have and the many different things in the galaxies and in the universe. He talks for a long time, and Dean listens to him, focusing on Cas’ deep voice, on every word that he says, slowly taking Dean away from his nightmares and awful memories.

“You should drink some water,” Dean says after thirty minutes have passed. “Your throat must be dry.”

“It is,” Castiel recognizes, clearing his throat. “But I didn’t want to stop talking in case you ended up…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, but they both know that he is referring to Dean remembering the nightmare again.

“Don’t worry. I’m okay now. I’m not shaking anymore, and I don’t feel like I’m about to have an anxiety attack.”

“I’m glad,” Castiel says, and Dean knows he is smiling.

“Thanks a lot, Cas.”

“You’re welcome, Dean. I’m glad I could help.”

“You did. You always do.” He makes a small pause and then he asks something he has been wanting to ask since Cas called him. “How’s that you were awake this late?”

Castiel takes a deep breath. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh shit, you had a nightmare too?”

“No, I didn’t have one. My mind was overthinking stuff.”

“Fuck, I’m should’ve asked you before, I’m so sorry I—”

“Dean,” Castiel interrupts. “You needed me. Besides, talking to you about the universe has helped me.”

“Yeah? Well, I’m glad about that, buddy. But I should’ve made sure you were okay instead of just asking you to deal with my crap.”

“You always want to put others first. You have so much compassion,” Castiel says, softly, making Dean blush. He is glad that Cas can’t see him right now. “Can I ask you something?”

“You just did.”

“You and your brother have the same terrible sense of humor.”

Dean chuckles. “Ask, Cas.”

“Do you ever feel hollow?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“How do you deal with that?”

“I have the unhealthiest coping mechanism ever. Alcohol, junk food, sex and hunting,” Dean says with a grimace.

Castiel groans and Dean is sure that his friend is rolling his eyes at the other end of the line.

“I—” Dean starts saying, clearing his throat. “I also call my best friend. It helps. Even if most of the times I don’t know what to say.” He slides back inside his bed, resting his back against the headboard. He covers most of his body, feeling cold. His body even aches from the tension. “It probably won’t work to you, ‘cause I’m kind of a crappy friend.”

“That’s not true,” Castiel says with indignation.

Dean snorts. “Yeah. Sure. You have to be so freaking patient with me all the time.”

“It’s worth it.”

Dean closes his eyes, and sighs, feeling that familiar blooming in his chest that he always feels when Cas says something that means too much to Dean.

“I miss you,” Dean confesses in a murmur.

“I miss you, too,” Castiel says. His voice sounds sad, but there is also warmth in his words.

Dean wants to ask him when he will come back, but he is afraid of the answer. He is afraid of pushing Cas. “It’s getting late. We should better try to get some sleep, don’t you think?”

“Yes, I think that might be wise.”

Dean nods to himself. “Thanks for this, Cas. It’s always good to hear your voice.”

“I always like hearing from you, too.”

Dean smiles. “Goodnight, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean hangs up and he places his phone on his bedside table. He slides down the bed, until his whole body is covered under the sheets. He closes his eyes and sighs, thinking about Cas’ voice and his words.

Nightmares don’t come after him.

***

Dean is in the kitchen, seasoning the mince for the stuffed peppers he is going to make for dinner. His phone is resting on the table where they eat, safe from any liquid or piece of food that might accidentally fall onto the counter. Dean always leaves his phone there when he wants to cook with music. Sam always complains about how loud Dean plays his music, but Dean always shows him his middle finger.

Sam has given up on complaining about the loud rock music, because every time he complains, Dean turns up the volume, just to piss his little brother. Now, Dean keeps the music loud enough to be heard in the kitchen and in a couple of other rooms. But that’s all.

Still, Dean’s music is so loud that he doesn’t hear it when the bunker’s main door opens.

_Back in Black_ stops playing, and the next song that comes is _Heaven_ by Bryan Adams. Dean won’t admit it out loud, but he enjoys some of the 80s rock ballads, even if sometimes they are kind of cheesy.

Dean starts humming as Bryan Adams sings the first few words, but it doesn’t take him too long to start singing along.

“_Baby, you're all that I want, when you're lyin' here in my arms, I'm findin' it hard to believe, we're in heaven,_” Dean sings as he washes his hands and dries them. “_And love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart. It isn't too hard to see, we're in heaven._” He turns around, to get the peppers, and he finds Cas, leaning onto the doorframe, looking at him with a smirk.

Dean blushes all the way up to his ears, but every part of his face that isn’t blushed, goes pale. He has sung in front of Cas countless of times, and he isn’t ashamed about that. But singing a rock ballad with lyrics that he could apply to his feelings about Cas, well, that’s something completely different and something to be embarrassed about.

But at the same time, he is also surprised and delighted, because Cas is back home.

Dean just looks at Cas, trying to process that the fallen angel is in fact there.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel says, still smirking.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says while he walks towards his friend.

He throws himself into Castiel’s arms and they hug tightly. Dean closes his eyes and lets out a relieved and happy sigh. Cas is back. Cas is back home. Finally.

Bryan Adams sings the chorus again. “_Baby, you're all that I want, when you're lyin' here in my arms, I'm findin' it hard to believe, we're in heaven. And love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart. It isn't too hard to see, we're in heaven._”

Even though the music is really loud, Dean hopes that Cas won’t read too much into the situation, even if the lyrics are depicting what Dean feels.

He pulls himself away and looks at Cas, happy to see him back. He keeps his hands on Castiel’s shoulders, not wanting to let go of the ex-angel completely, while Castiel places his hands on Dean’s elbows.

“I didn’t hear you coming in,” Dean says, frowning.

“That’s because your music is too loud,” Castiel says, raising his voice.

Dean rolls his eyes. “Fine. Fine.” He walks towards his phone and he turns down the volume. “Happy?”

Castiel rolls his eyes, but he smiles.

“I didn’t know you were coming today,” Dean says and he walks towards the fridge to get the peppers. Now that Cas is here, he is going to need one more.

“My plan was to spend the night in a motel somewhere before coming here tomorrow, but I— I just wanted to come here as soon as possible,” Castiel explains as he fumbles with the zipper of his duffel bag. “I hope that’s not an inconvenient.”

Dean scowls him. “Cas, c’mon, don’t be stupid. You know this is your home, too.”

Castiel looks at him with wide eyes, full of appreciation and also shock. “Thank you, Dean.”

“But next time, text me,” Dean says with a grin. “Let a guy know if he’s gonna have to make dinner for three instead of two.” He winks at him, and Castiel blushes slightly.

“I will.” He looks down as he shuffles his feet for a brief moment before he lifts his eyes and looks at Dean. “What’s the name of that song you were singing?”

Dean looks at his beautiful blue eyes and blushes again. “It’s uh— It’s _Heaven_ by Bryan Adams.”

“It’s a nice song.”

“Yeah,” Dean murmurs, turning his attention to the peppers. “Yeah, it is.”

“I’m going to leave my stuff in my bedroom,” Castiel announces.

“Okay, Cas.”

Castiel leaves, and Dean starts stuffing the peppers. He ignores the restless beating of his heart and focuses on the fact that Cas is back after two weeks away.

By the time Dean has grated the cheese and put the peppers inside the oven, Castiel reappears and approaches the sink. Instead of asking him, Dean simply arches an eyebrow.

“I wash and you dry,” Castiel states.

“Deal,” Dean says with a grin. “Just remember to wash the knifes with cold water ‘cause—”

“That way they will remain sharp,” Castiel finishes, glaring Dean.

Dean chuckles. “Nice to see you still remember.”

“It’s hard to forget. You got really angry.” He washes the knifes first, using cold water, then he leaves them on top of a kitchen rag that Dean always places on the counter.

Dean bites his lower lip, guiltily. “I’m kind of a bit obsessed about keeping the kitchen and everything in it nice and clean.”

Castiel looks at him, arching a brow. “Only a bit?”

“Shut up,” Dean protests, kicking Castiel’s calf playfully. “I’m an orderly guy.”

“I believe Sam prefers the term neat freak.”

Dean grabs the first knife and he begins to dry it. “Sam can go fuck himself. He likes to be a neat freak about tons of things and no one can say a word about it. I try to be clean and orderly in the kitchen, and suddenly I’m the one who’s a neat freak.” He shakes his head, frustrated.

“I like that about you,” Castiel confesses, without looking at Dean. “I like that you care about things like the kitchen, your room, your records, your books… It’s nice.”

Dean looks at him, and he can’t help smiling. “Thanks, Cas.”

Castiel just nods and keeps washing.

Led Zeppelin starts playing. The song is _Fool in the Rain_. The shuffle setting of his phone must be trying to mess around with Dean, because it can’t be a coincidence that every time Cas is in the kitchen, a love song plays.

But the worst thing about this is that _Fool in the Rain_ is one of the songs Dean put in the mixtape he gave to Cas. He gave it to Cas as if it was just a random tape Dean had around, as a way to expand Castiel’s music knowledge. However, Dean spent a whole week making that tape specifically to Cas. He spent a lot of time choosing each song.

He added some songs that Dean liked and didn’t mean much, but the rest of the songs were confessions, like _Fool in the Rain_, _All of My Love_, _Bron-Y-Aur Stomp_ and _Thank You_. Dean hoped that Cas would get the meaning behind those songs, that he would realize that Dean was trying to say something, but Cas has never been good about getting the second meaning of things.

Not that Dean has ever been good at saying things or making things clear either, but a part of him hoped that Cas would come to him and ask him about the songs, about why he picked those songs specifically.

“_And the warmth of your smile starts a burning, and the thrill of your touch gives me fright. And I'm shaking so much, really yearning,_” Castiel starts singing in a low voice.

“_Why don't you show up and make it alright, yeah?_” Dean sings along with Cas and Robert Plant.

They keep singing to the song, and neither of them looks at each other. Dean doesn’t know why Cas doesn’t steal a glance once, but he knows why he isn’t looking at the former angel. Dean doesn’t think he can handle the way Cas’ face and eyes looks when he sings those lyrics that mean so much to Dean.

When Cas finishes with the last utensil, he hands it to Dean, and they finally look at each other while Robert Plant sings. “_Light of the love that I found. Light of the love that I found._”

Dean’s fingers are brushing Castiel’s, while they both hold the wooden spoon. The song keeps playing, but neither of them is singing. They keep looking at each other, and Dean wants to just get closer and kiss him, and tell him that every single word in _Fool in the Rain_ represents how he feels.

Dean parts his lips, feeling how for the first time ever, words seem to come out. “Cas, I—”

“Hey, guys!” Sam says, and at the sound of his voice, both Dean and Castiel pull away from each other, dropping the wooden spoon, which Castiel quickly grabs before it falls onto the floor. “Nice reflexes,” Sam comments impressed, but then he looks confused at the two of them.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean says, grabbing the spoon, trying to hide his disappointment and infuriation towards Sam. He loves his little brother, but right now, Dean wishes Sam had decided to appear in the kitchen a few minutes later, or not at all. “What’s up?” Dean asks, trying to keep his voice normal.

“Jody called,” Sam explains, looking at Dean and Castiel, who are pretending to look as if nothing had happened at all. “She and the girls have found a coven of dangerous warlocks and they need some help and assistance. They’ve never run into dark magic, so Jody’s called and asked if we’ll be able to make it tomorrow.”

“Sure thing,” Dean says, nodding.

“Can I join you?” Castiel asks.

“Yeah, of course, Cas.”

Castiel nods.

“Alright. I’ll tell her we’ll be there tomorrow,” Sam says. “Also, I’m gonna call Rowena, to see if she knows something about this coven.”

“Do you think that’s wise?” Dean asks, arching his eyebrows. “She has too many enemies.”

“You could also say that about the three of us,” Castiel comments.

Dean huffs. “Touché.”

Sam smiles. “I’ll call her anyway. Just in case.”

“Okay.”

Sam walks away from the kitchen, leaving Dean and Castiel alone. Fool in the Rain finished a while ago, but still, Dean grabs his phone and stops the music. He doesn’t want to have any more love songs today. He looks at Cas, who is drying his hands with some paper towel. Dean sighs and puts his phone inside his pocket.

He almost told Cas. He doesn’t know if being interrupted by Sam was something bad or something good. His fears haven’t changed, nor his doubts. But his feelings for Cas only seem to get stronger and stronger. He just wants to be with him. He is tired of waiting, of not giving himself permission to be happy.

He walks towards Cas and he places his fingers on his wrist, brushing it slightly. “Thanks for helping me clean up,” Dean says.

He knows the touch is not the type of touch you give to your best friend, but Dean hopes he can tell Cas with that touch a part of what he has been trying to say for years. He should just use actual words, but Dean has never been good at communicating with words, and what he has are songs, gestures and touches.

He hopes that Castiel will eventually be able to pick up on that.

“You are welcome, Dean,” Castiel says, looking at Dean with wide eyes.

Dean nods. His fingers caress the inner of Castiel’s wrist and then he pulls away. He walks towards the oven, to check on the peppers.

Until Dean can manage to let himself be happy and stop being so afraid, and to finally be able to confess his feelings with words, he will just do what he always does best; speak with anything else he has and just wait.

The only problem is that he has been waiting for almost a decade.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for reading and for the kudos, comments, bookmarks and subscriptions :)

“There you go,” Dean says once he has finished writing all the ingredients needed to make witch-killing bullets. “Next time you run into a witch or a warlock, you’ll be ready to kill them.”

“Thanks, Dean,” Claire says as she grabs the piece of paper and looks at the ingredients.

“Some of those ingredients are rare,” Patience comments, taking a quick look at the list.

Claire snorts. “What were you expecting? Things you can get in a supermarket?”

Patience glares Claire. “I meant that they are hard to come by.”

“If you ever need them,” Castiel intervenes. “Just come by the bunker or call us. We have all of those ingredients.”

“You can also buy them in some specific places, but they aren’t prone to give that stuff to strangers,” Dean says as he reclines onto the chair. “But I can call a few places and tell them that an angry blonde who’s a friend of us will be coming.”

“Very funny, Dean,” Claire says with a mock laughter.

“I think we have some spare ingredient in the trunk,” Sam says. “We’ll leave you with some.”

“Thanks,” Claire and Patience say at the same time.

“You guys done?” Jody calls from the dining room. “Dinner’s ready!”

After defeating the coven of warlocks and healing the few wounds some of them got, Jody insisted on making dinner and having the girls and the Winchesters together for dinner.

Dean, Castiel, Sam, Claire and Patience go to the dining room, where Jody and Alex are already sitting. Dean looks at the food and his mouth waters.

“Yes! Roasted chicken!” Dean exclaims, happily. “With mashed potatoes!”

“Does he always get this excited over chicken?” Claire asks to both Castiel and Sam.

“Yes, he does,” Castiel and Sam answer at the same time.

Dean dedicates them one of his deadliest glares, which gives him a scowl from Sam, an arched brow from Claire and an almost nonexistent but sweet smile from Cas.

“When most of your life’s been spent by eating in dinners and from a microwave, you get excited about wonderful things like homemade food,” Dean establishes as he sits next to Cas.

“How are you even alive?” Alex asks, confused. “Such a poor diet must have killed you a long time ago.”

“Cas used to heal me every once in a while and he got rid of all the nasty things in my body,” Dean explains casually. “When he used to be and angel, he could do that.”

“You are not an angel anymore?” Patience asks, carefully, suspecting that the topic might be sensitive for Cas.

Castiel shakes his head. “I had to give up my grace in order to perform a spell that could kill God.”

Both Patience and Alex look at Castiel weirdly, while Claire and Jody look like that issue is nothing out of the ordinary.

“Claire and Jody mentioned that you guys had to fight something really powerful,” Alex starts to say. “But they didn’t say it was God.”

“We didn’t want to worry too many people,” Sam says. “In case God wanted to hurt those we care about.”

Once again, Patience and Alex look at everyone else with disconcert, not understanding why killing God sounds like the most normal thing in the world.

“When they first told me I was as shocked as you two,” Jody recognizes. “But I’ve known them for over ten years, so you are shocked for like five seconds and then you’re like, okay, what do you need?”

“That’s why you’re one of our favorite people,” Dean says with a big grin.

“And here I thought that you only cared about me because of the free and delicious food.”

“That’s a plus.”

***

Dean and Castiel insist on washing and drying the dishes while Sam and the girls clean up the dining room.

“You sure you don’t want me to wash?” Castiel asks. “You always dry.”

“Nah, don’t worry. I don’t mind washing. I kind of like the smell of lemon soap and the feeling of bubbles,” Dean confesses with a playful smile. He lifts his hand, covered with foam, and he blows, until the foam and the bubbles reach Cas.

“Assbutt,” Castiel says, chuckling. He slaps Dean’s shoulder with the kitchen rag.

“Hey, hey, hey, I didn’t use violence!”

Castiel rolls his eyes. “You have a strange concept of violence.”

Dean makes a rogue smile and he splashes some water. The drops stain Castiel’s shirt and Castiel glares him before he grabs a spoon and puts it under the tap. The water soon hits the curved surface of the spoon, and Castiel turns it until all the water is directed towards Dean.

“You son of a bitch!” Dean exclaims while Castiel grins.

“What the hell are you two doing?” Jody says as she appears in the kitchen after taking out the trash. Both Dean and Castiel turn their faces to look at her.

“Sorry, Jody,” Dean and Castiel say at the same time, then they keep doing the task at hand.

“Hey, Cas,” Claire says, leaning onto the door just to take a peak. “When you’re done here, you’ve gotta come to the living room, because I’ve got some doubts about some plants and Sam says you’re the expert.”

“I will go when I’m done here,” Castiel promises.

“Just go,” Jody says, grabbing Castiel by the shoulders. “I can dry. And don’t you dare replicate me.” She almost drags Castiel out of the room while he looks perplexed and both Dean and Claire laugh at the situation. Then, when Cas has walked after Claire, Jody approaches Dean’s side and starts drying. “So, you and Castiel,” Jody begins to say, tentatively.

Dean looks at her, frowning. “Me and Cas, what?”

“You two are finally together, right?”

Dean blushes and shakes his head. “We aren’t together, Jody.”

Jody looks at him, startled.

“What makes you think we’re together?” Dean asks, hoping that his blush will go away.

“That little playful fight you guys had here before I came in. I saw you and thought: they finally got together.”

“We’re just friends.”

Jody studies him with her eyes, and Dean focuses on getting rid of a stain on a dish that has been long gone.

“Look,” Jody says with a serious and careful tone. “I may be out of line here, but I know you have feelings for him, and he has feelings for you, too. You should just tell him.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Dean. You have stopped several apocalypses, you have defeated countless of monsters and even God. Telling a guy how you feel can’t be harder than that.”

“Trust me, it’s harder,” Dean murmurs as he gives Jody the last dish.

She sighs. “You know what the things we regret the most in life are? It’s not the things we did and went wrong, but the things we didn’t do. Those are the things we regret the most, the ones that keep us up at night because we keep thinking, what would have happened if I did it?” She gives him a sympathetic smile and Dean looks at his boots. “After all you’ve been through, you deserve some happiness. But happiness won’t come after you. You have to fight for it.” She places her hand on Dean’s forearm and gives him a soft squeeze. “I lost my family, but I won another one. And I fought hard to keep them. I still fight hard for them. And they make me really happy.” She pulls her hand away and gives Dean a sweet smile. “Just think about it, Dean.”

***

Sam and Castiel have a deal. Whenever they need to drive somewhere in the Impala, Sam rides shotgun when they are leaving from the bunker and Cas rides shotgun when they are driving back home.

Dean doesn’t know how they reached that deal, but he likes it.

Sam is currently asleep in the backseat, while Cas is sitting next to Dean, looking through the window. Dean looks at the road, but once in a while he steals a quick glance at Cas, thinking about what Jody told him.

Despite all the horrible things Dean has faced, nothing is as terrifying as telling Cas how he feels and getting into a relationship with him.

“I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo,” Castiel says out of the blue.

Dean quickly turns his head to look at him. “A tattoo?”

Castiel nods.

“What kind of tattoo?” Dean asks, still perplexed.

“Wings. On my back,” Castiel answers, and there’s so much melancholy in his voice. “As a reminder of my past.”

“We can go to town tomorrow and go to the tattoo studio, if you’d like to.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

Dean looks at him again, worried. “You okay, Cas?”

“Yes,” Castiel answers, but it kind of sounds like a lie. He rests his temple against the window, not seeming to care about the vibration of the glass. “I’m just tired. It’s late and defeating those warlocks was exhausting.”

“We can stop somewhere and get a room if you want to.”

Castiel shakes his head and his eyes return to the starry sky. “That won’t be necessary. Unless you need to rest, there’s no need to stop.”

Dean sighs and looks back at the dark road. “Okay.”

His worry about Cas doesn’t abandon him for the rest of the drive.

***

After lunch, Dean drives Cas to town to get his tattoo. When they get inside the tattoo studio, they are greeted by a woman with green hair and tattooed arms. Castiel approaches the desk and the two of them talk about the wings Cas wants to get inked.

She shows him some photographs of some tattoos of wings that go from the back to the elbow, and Castiel selects one of the photos.

She looks into one of the big drawers and gets the template and tells Dean and Cas to follow her to a chair.

“It’s going to take me several hours,” Lea, the tattoo artist, explains. “You sure you want to do it in one sitting?”

“Yes,” Castiel says.

“Alright. Then, remove your shirt and t-shirt while I get everything ready.”

“You can go if you want to,” Castiel says as he removes his plaid shirt. “It will be tedious for you to sit here doing nothing.”

“I’m gonna stay. I like watching how tattoos are done,” Dean says as he grabs Castiel’s shirt. “Besides, what if you need to hold my hand or something?” He smirks, but he feels his cheeks warming up because of a slight blush. “I’m not gonna leave you alone.”

Castiel looks at him, softly, and he gives him an appreciative smile. “Thank you, Dean.”

He removes his t-shirt, and Dean can’t help but stare at Castiel’s chest. He is strong and tanned, and he also has some stray freckles dotting his stomach. He can see the sharpness of his hipbones and the enochian words of his tattoo.

Dean’s mouth is suddenly dry and his body temperature is slightly increasing. He grabs Castiel’s t-shirt and looks at the clothes, trying to not think about all that tanned skin and all those muscles and how much he would like to touch him and kiss him.

“Ready?” Lea says.

“Ready,” Castiel answers, sitting on the chair and showing his back to the tattoo artist.

Dean grabs another chair and places himself next to Cas.

The tattoo artist places the template on Cas’ skin, and when she is sure that the sketch is on Cas’ skin, she removes the piece of paper and then she starts the machine.

She starts on Castiel’s spine, and Castiel makes a pained face. He got a tattoo before, but the area when the enochian scrawl is, barely touched the ribs. Tattoos are a bit painful, but they hurt like hell when the needle is close to any bone.

Dean offers his hand, and Castiel immediately takes it.

“You still have some hours to go,” Dean says with a grimace.

“You’re not encouraging at all, Dean,” Castiel mutters.

Dean chuckles as his thumb caresses Castiel’s knuckles. He looks at their joined hands, thinking how nice they fit together and how much he would love to be able to hold hands with Cas more often.

***

By the time Castiel’s tattoo is done, is quite late, and Dean doesn’t feel like cooking at all, so they stop at the nearest pizza place. But first, they go to a pharmacy to get a cream that Cas needs to apply on his back for a couple of days.

“I was thinking that you guys weren’t gonna come at all,” Sam says when he sees Dean and Cas walking into the library. “How do you feel, Cas?”

“Sore,” Castiel answers.

“He got almost his whole back and half of his arms tattooed,” Dean explains as he puts the pizza boxes on the table. “But it’s an awesome tattoo.”

When the tattoo artist finished, Dean was in awe. The tattoo looked amazing. It was perfect, and judging Cas’ reaction when he saw the inked wings on the mirror, the fallen angel also loved it. Once his skin stops being swollen, Dean knows that it is going to look even better.

“Hey, how about if we watch some movie while we have dinner?” Dean asks, then he looks at Cas. “Your back won’t hurt too much if you rest it on the couch.”

“I like that plan,” Castiel says with a tired smile.

“Sammy, get some drinks and some dishes while Cas and I go to the cave.”

“Alright,” Sam says.

Castiel is about to grab one of the pizza boxes, but Dean beats him to it and grabs both.

“You need to rest,” Dean says. “Your arms and back must hurt like hell.”

“They don’t hurt that back,” Castiel says, shrugging, but the motion makes him hiss in pain. Dean is about to say something, but Castiel stops him. “Not a word.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Your face did.”

Dean chuckles.

They walk towards the cave and when they reach it, Castiel sits carefully on the couch while Dean places both pizza boxes on the coffee table and then he sits next to Cas and grabs the remote.

Sam comes in the moment Dean has switched on the TV and he hands his brother and his friend a dish and a bottle of beer.

“Please, nothing with cowboys in it,” Sam says as he sits on the couch, next to Dean.

“Why is it that you two hate cowboys?” Dean groans as he gets two slices of pizza; one for himself and the other for Cas.

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel says timidly and blushing.

“It’s always the same old boring plot,” Sam explains, and he steals the remote from Dean’s hand.

“Hey! Give it back to me, bitch!” Dean exclaims.

“No, you jerk.” He raises his arm so that Dean can’t reach it, something that makes Castiel smile. “Cas, what do you feel like watching?”

“Anything that doesn’t contain cowboys,” Castiel answers.

“How dare you align yourself with Sam!” Dean exclaims offended as he still tries to take a hold of the remote.

“How about _The Shawshank Redemption_? It’s really good.”

Dean immediately stops trying to get the remote. “I’m gonna let you keep the remote because for the first time, you actually picked a good movie.”

Sam chuckles as he presses play. “I can’t believe you enjoy a movie that doesn’t have sex scenes, cowboys, Clint Eastwood nor Harrison Ford in it.”

Dean kicks his brother’s shin. “Fuck you, Sammy.” He shakes his head and notices that Cas has finished eating his slice of pizza. “Want another one?” Dean asks, pointing to the pizza.

“I can get one, Dean,” Castiel says.

“I know.” Dean leans and gets another slice of pizza, placing it on Castiel’s dish. “Just let me take care of you,” he whispers, so only Cas can hear him. He also places his hand on Cas’ knee. “You’ve taken care of me countless of times.”

Castiel looks at Dean. His mouth parts, but he remains silent. He nods and starts eating his slice while he blushes.

Dean’s thumb caresses Cas’ leg briefly before he pulls his hand from his knee.

***

When the movie finishes, the three of them decide to call it a day and go to sleep.

Sam’s room is the closes to the cave, so Dean and Castiel walk together through the hall.

“Dean,” Castiel says, clearing his throat. “Would it be too much to ask for your assistance on putting the cream on my back?”

“You’re so fucking formal, Cas,” Dean says, laughing.

“It’s called being polite, Dean. You should try it sometime.”

“Nah. It doesn’t suit me.”

Castiel shakes his head.

“Where’s the cream? In the bathroom or in your room?” Dean asks.

“In my room.”

“Okay.”

They make it to Castiel’s bedroom and Dean closes the door behind him. Castiel grabs the cream, still packed in a box and Dean reads the instructions.

Castiel starts to take off his shirt and he hisses in pain.

“Wait. Let me help,” Dean says, approaching Cas and helping him take off his shirt. He stands in front of Castiel and then he grabs the hem of Castiel’s t-shirt. “Now lift your arms, slowly.”

Castiel does as he is told and Dean takes off his shirt, slowly and carefully, trying not to hurt him. When the t-shirt is removed, they both look at each other. They are standing really close, and Dean can feel Cas’ warmth emanating from his skin and he can also smell him.

“Lie down,” Dean says, forcing his voice to come out.

Castiel nods and he lies onto his stomach. Then, Dean sits on the bed, being really close to Cas.

Carefully, he removes the plastic wrap, revealing the beautiful tattoo.

“Is it swollen?” Castiel asks.

“Yeah, a little,” Dean answers. He looks at the inked wings, still amazed. “But the wings look awesome.”

Castiel smiles.

Dean pours some cream on Castiel’s back and then he starts spreading it gently, making sure that he covers every part of the tattoo. Castiel lets out a couple of relieved sighs and he closes his eyes.

“Does it feel better?” Dean asks, and Castiel answers him with a hum. Dean chuckles and looks at his face. “Are you gonna fall asleep while I do this?”

“Maybe,” Castiel answers.

Dean smiles. He applies the cream on the feathers that brush Castiel’s elbow and then says, “All done.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

“You’re welcome.” He stands up and walks towards the desk, where Cas keeps some wipes. Dean cleans his hands and then throws the used wipe in the bin. When he turns around, Castiel is standing and grabbing his t-shirt. “Do you need anything else?”

Castiel worries his lip. “I— I might need your help on putting on my shirt.”

Dean snorts. “Give it to me.”

Castiel hands him the t-shirt and Dean holds it by the hem again.

“Lift your arms again,” Dean says.

Castiel lifts his arms and Dean slowly puts the t-shirt back on, getting even closer to Cas. When Cas isn’t topless anymore, they look at each other again, noticing how close they are. Dean still has his hands on the hem of Castiel’s t-shirt. He should let go, but his brain can’t connect itself to his hands.

There are only a couple of inches in between their bodies and their lips. All they need to do is to just lean and press their lips together. That’s all. It’s so simple.

But Dean can’t bring himself to. He is so fucking scared.

“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean says before pulling away.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel whispers before Dean walks away from the room.

Dean closes the door after him, hating himself for being such a coward.

***

Three days later, Castiel leaves the bunker again. And Dean feels as heartbroken as he always does when Cas leaves.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and for the lovely comments, the kudos, the bookmarks and the subscriptions.
> 
> Notice that the rating has changed from mature to explicit.

For a few days, Dean is not in a good mood. He tries to bury his feeling and his thoughts in the job and in alcohol, but he still feels on edge.

He and Cas keep in touch, but Dean knows that something’s going on with Cas and he doesn’t know what it is and Cas doesn’t tell him either. He keeps saying that he needs to stretch his legs and be out, but when he told Sam and Dean that he was leaving, he already had everything packed and he quickly left the bunker.

Dean suspects that he did something wrong, but he doesn’t know what.

It’s late now. It’s been hours since Sam went to bed. Dean decided to go to his own to watch something in order to keep his mind busy, but it hasn’t worked.

He has thought about going to a bar and get drunk, but if he does so, he won’t be able to drive back home and he would have to ask Sam to pick him up, and Sam would start asking too many questions and he would give him a lecture and Dean doesn’t want any of that bullshit. He is too tired for that.

He could also go to a bar and blow some steam by hooking up with someone, but he doesn’t feel like doing that. He has slept several times with strangers, trying to forget about Cas for a while, to just enjoy having sex, but it doesn’t work that way. He doesn’t want to spend the night with a stranger; he wants to spend the night with Cas.

Dean looks at his closet and bits his lower lip. He knows how to blow some steam without having to sleep with a stranger.

He switches off the laptop, places it on his desk and then he walks to his closet. He looks for a box he keeps hidden and he grabs a dildo he bought a long time ago.

It’s been a long time since he did any of this. Last year, Dean didn’t get a break with all the shit that went down with God, and whenever he had a moment to himself, he didn’t want to start masturbating in case Cas might have heard him. Dean knows how to be silent, but Cas was back then an angel, and he could have easily heard Dean. If he had walked in while Dean was in the middle of it, that would have leaded to a conversation that neither of them were ready to have.

He takes off his clothes, folding them carefully and then he walks to the bed. He gets the lube and pours a generous amount onto his fingers, warming it before he applies it on the dildo. He will use it later, but he likes to have things prepared before he even starts.

Then, Dean lies down on the bed and closes his eyes while his hand reaches for his dick, giving it a couple of strokes to get hard, quickly pretending that it isn’t his hand but Cas’ hand.

He bites his lower lip as he pumps himself, imagining Cas on top of him, with his hand working restlessly on his cock while he kisses him. His other hand goes to his chest, and he starts playing with his nipples, making him let out a silent gasp.

He rolls his hips, thinking about Cas wrapping his lips around the head of his cock while he looks at him and Dean bites back a moan. He keeps moving his hand up and down the shaft, as his imagination goes wild.

His free hand goes in between his legs and Dean spreads them. He presses one finger in and hisses. He slowly adds a second and then a third and a fourth, all while his other hand works on his dick.

When he feels he is loose enough, Dean opens his eyes and looks for his dildo, still resting on the bedside table. He grabs it and he gets it inside his hole, moaning softly at the feeling, pretending that it is Cas’ cock.

Whenever he masturbates, Dean is always thinking about Cas. Sometimes he thinks about fucking Cas and sometimes he thinks about Cas fucking him. Either way, he always enjoys it.

He closes his eyes and he starts to fuck himself with the dildo while his other hand keeps jerking him off.

Dean rolls his hips sharply and restlessly, matching the rhythm of the movement of his hands, fucking into his hand and fucking himself with the dildo.

It doesn’t take him too long for his imagination to picture Cas, on top of him, fucking him, working his hand on Dean’s cock, rolling his hips in a perfect motion while he keeps moaning Dean’s name over and over again.

Dean becomes desperate, absorbed in the fantasy, imagining the feel of Cas’ skin against his, of his warmth, of his movements, of his kisses. He keeps working on himself with both hands with desperate movements, his back arching from the bed, digging his heels in the mattress.

“Cas— Cas— Cas,” Dean moans, breathlessly.

He comes with Cas’ name on his lips. He works himself through his orgasm with lazy movements, until he collapses onto bed with a deep sigh.

He pulls the dildo away, placing it back on the bedside table. He feels boneless and sated. And he doesn’t feels as on edge and as tense as he felt before.

But when he opens his eyes and sees that the other side of the bed is still empty, Dean feels cold and heartbroken again.

***

The Pacific ocean pulls away from the shore and quickly comes back to wash the sand. Castiel feels its movement. One moment the water barely covers his ankles, and then it suddenly splashes his shins, leaving a few drops of salty water on his rolled jeans.

Autumn is not the best time to be standing in the ocean. The water is cold and the wind is harsh and chilly, but Castiel still loves it nonetheless. He likes feeling the air on his skin, moving his hair in every direction. And he loves the feeling of the sea on his skin, with its constant movement and its salty smell.

He closes his eyes and focuses on the feeling and the sound of the sea, as restless as his heart. 

He only decides to leave the sea because the smell of petrichor becomes more intense than the smell of the sea.

As much as he would love to stay under the rain, he doesn’t want to get sick.

He walks back to his pick-up and then he drives to his motel room. By the time he arrives, it’s already raining hard, but Castiel doesn’t drench at all.

The motel room is quite nice. The mattress is the only bad thing about it, but apart from that, the place is clean and the shower works perfectly.

There is a table and a chair next to the window and Castiel decides to sit on it to watch how it rains. He loves the rain. He loves its sound. The only thing missing is a book. He should have grabbed a few books before he left the bunker.

Castiel didn’t want to leave, but he had to. It was starting to hurt so much to be around Dean. They have been dancing around each other for a while now. They have always been dancing around each other, but now it is more obvious. They get really close, and it seems that they are about to kiss, but Dean always pulls away.

Castiel doesn’t know for sure what Dean wants. Maybe he just wants to spend one night with him. Dean has had several partners in the past, so maybe he wants Cas to be one of them. But Castiel doesn’t want to be just one night stand. He can’t take that.

He should just ask him, but Dean isn’t famous for talking about stuff.

A part of Castiel hopes that Dean wants the same things Castiel wants, but even if he did and they finally removed the stupid distance that still separates them, what would happen then? Dean would eventually find out that Castiel is broken, that he is a waste of space, that he is worthless.

Eventually, Dean would realize that he deserves someone better. Or he will start desiring things that Castiel can’t give him, like a family, a normal life, a proper house…

As much as Castiel wants to kiss Dean and tell him how much he loves him, he can’t do that. Because eventually, he will screw up, like he always does, and he has let Dean down way too many times in the past. He can’t do it again.

Dean is kind and forgiving. He deserves someone who isn’t about to break into million pieces.

Dean is better off without Castiel.

And yet, Castiel misses him so much.

They haven’t called each other since Castiel left. They only talk via text, but it isn’t enough. He grabs his phone and he nibbles his lip as he considers calling Dean. He shouldn’t do it, but he wants to.

Why are things always so complicated when it comes to the two of them? Why can’t it be simple?

He surrenders and decides to call Dean, feeling his heart hammering against his ribcage as he waits for Dean to pick up the phone.

He waits for a while, and he is sure that his call is going to go into the voicemail when Dean finally answers.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says with a tired voice.

Castiel sighs, relieved. How is it possible that someone can miss a voice so much? “Hello, Dean. How are you?”

“I’m— I’m good. You?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

There is a silence in between them and Castiel starts questioning the call. Dean probably doesn’t want to talk to him. Castiel is just bothering him right now.

Dean clears his throat. “Is there anything you wanna talk about?”

“Not really. I just—” He takes a deep breath, unsure if he should say it or not. He decides to say it. He is tired of hiding things. “I just missed the sound of your voice.”

Dean sighs deeply. “You’ve gotta stop doing this, Cas.”

Castiel frowns. “Stop doing what?”

Dean groans and Castiel can hear him dropping on the bed. “Just— forget it, you know? Just forget it.”

“Dean, I don’t understand—”

“Doesn’t matter,” Dean murmurs with a really sad voice.

“Dean, please. Talk to me.”

“I’ve gotta go, Cas. I’m working on a case.”

Before Castiel can reply, Dean hangs up.

Castiel looks at his phone, not understanding what just happened. All he knows is that Dean sounded sad and hurt. But he doesn’t have any idea of why.

***

“I think we’re getting too old for this,” Sam says as he grabs his duffel bag from the Impala’s trunk. He rubs his neck and a makes a pained face.

“At least we’re getting old,” Dean says, grabbing his own duffel bag. “Given our history, it’s a fucking miracle.” He closes the trunk and he and Sam walk towards the stairs of the garage.

Sam chuckles. “That’s true.”

They walk through the halls, and when they approach the kitchen, Castiel comes out of it, looking at both of them, but his eyes focus on Dean.

“Cas! You’re back!” Sam exclaims, happily. “When did you arrive?”

“A few hours ago,” Castiel answers.

“I didn’t know you were coming back.”

Castiel is about to say something, but Dean just walks past him, not wanting to talk to him.

“Dean?” Sam asks, confused and quite angry, but Dean ignores him and keeps walking towards his bedroom.

“Dean!” Castiel says, following him. “Dean!” He runs towards him and stops until he is in front of him. “Dean, what’s wrong?”

_What’s wrong?_ Dean thinks. _What’s wrong is that you always leave, that you don’t tell me what’s going on with you, that you purposely choose not to call me for a week and then out of the blue, you call and you tell me something that makes my heart ache and then you pretend as if we were in good terms. What’s wrong is that I’m tired of waiting for you to decide that you want to stay. What’s wrong is that my heart can’t break into so many pieces over and over again. What’s wrong is that I don’t want to lose you and yet every time we get closer, you put even more distance in between us. What’s wrong is that it doesn’t matter what I do, you always leave, and I don’t know what to do anymore._

But Dean doesn’t say any of that. Sam approaches them, looking at both of them confused. He must know that something is going on between the two of them.

“Do me a fucking favor and leave me alone,” Dean says, bumping into Cas’ shoulder so he can get inside his room and lock the door.

Cas doesn’t follow him.

***

“Did something happen in between you two?” Sam asks as he pours some tea in Castiel’s mug and then on his.

“I’m not sure,” Castiel answers. He places both of his hands on the mug, warming them up. “Did he tell you anything?”

Sam chuckles bitterly as he sits in front of Cas. “He never talks. It’s hard for him.”

Castiel nods and takes a tentative sip. The tea is almost boiling, so he has to wait if he doesn’t want to get his tongue burnt.

“He’ll come around,” Sam says, nodding to himself. “But you guys need to talk.”

“I can’t talk to him if he doesn’t want to see me,” Castiel says, bitterly.

“Just give him a couple of hours to cool down and then knock on his door and get in.”

“He probably has it locked.”

Sam shakes his head. “He always unlocks it eventually. So you can come in. It’s his way of saying that he wants to talk.”

Castiel frowns. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just say that instead of unlocking the door?”

“Yeah. But Dean sometimes has his own language,” Sam answers, sighing. “He might not communicate with words, but he talks in so many other things, like gestures and actions. It’s hard to understand it sometimes, but after years, you learn how to speak Dean’s language more or less.” He gives him a sympathetic smile. “But it can still be freaking frustrating sometimes.”

Castiel nods and takes a sip of his tea.

***

Castiel knocks on Dean’s door, but Dean doesn’t answer. He tentatively places his hand on the knob and, as Sam predicted, the door opens, no longer being locked.

Dean is in front of his desk, using his laptop. He doesn’t turn his eyes away from the screen when Castiel comes in and closes the door behind him.

“Hey,” Castiel says. “Can we talk?”

Dean doesn’t say anything and Castiel takes a deep breath, trying to remain patient, but he is starting to feel a little bit pissed off. He doesn’t know why Dean is acting like this.

“Dean, please, just talk to me,” Castiel pleads.

But Dean only clenches his jaw.

Castiel takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “Maybe I should just leave.”

“Is leaving your solution to everything?” Dean finally says, looking at him with anger in his eyes.

Castiel glares him and hates how a lump forms in his throat. “I know when I’m not wanted around, Dean.”

Dean shakes his head and avoids looking at Castiel’s eyes. “Don’t bullshit me, Cas.”

“I’m not bullshitting you. You clearly don’t want me here right now.”

Dean turns his face and looks at him, with pain in his eyes. “I’m not talking about this moment, Cas!”

Castiel looks at him, perplexed.

“If you wanna leave, fine, just leave,” Dean mutters, looking back at his computer. “But don’t you dare say that it’s because I don’t want you around, because that’s fucking bullshit.”

“Is that why you are mad at me?” Castiel asks as he sits on the bed. “Because I left?”

“Yeah,” Dean confesses, dropping his shoulders. He turns the chair around, so he and Cas can look at each other. “Look, I get that you need some time alone once in a while and to be out, we all do, but we both know you are using that as an excuse. Something’s going on with you and your solution is always to run away. I just wish you could talk to me.”

“It’s kind of ironic that you are asking me to talk about things when you barely can talk about things,” Castiel says.

Dean rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I am a dick.”

“I think the term hypocrite is more appropriate.”

Dean glares him. “You’re fucking hilarious.”

“I know,” Castiel deadpans, but a smile makes its way to his lips.

Dean rolls his eyes, but there is also a small smile trying to spread on his lips.

“Sometimes I need to leave,” Castiel confesses. “Because I don’t want to drag you into my problems. I don’t want to bother you and I don’t want to be a nuisance. I have already done that countless of times in the past.”

He doesn’t say that he mostly leaves because he can’t allow himself to get closer to Dean, because he is scared that he will end up hurting him. But what he said is part of the truth.

“Cas, you’ve dealt with my problems a shit ton of times,” Dean says. He places his hand on top of Castiel’s and the ex-angel suppresses a gasp. Every time Dean touches him, Castiel feels like he is about to be set on fire. It is an intense feeling, and he has been craving Dean’s touch for a really long time. “And you’ve always been there for me. And for Sammy. We’re friends, Cas. We’re family. And both me and Sammy are gonna be there for whatever you need. Don’t just run away, please.”

Castiel closes his eyes and nods. “Thank you, Dean.”

Dean gives him a soft squeeze on his hand and then pulls away, making Castiel instantly miss his warmth and touch.

“Do you wanna drive to town and get some burritos for supper?” Dean says, clearing his throat.

“That would be nice, Dean.”

Dean smiles.

They both stand up and leave the bedroom.

As they walk through the hall, Castiel just hopes he won’t have to leave for a long time. He hopes that things between him and Dean stop being messy and complicated. He hopes that he won’t end up breaking into million pieces, because he doesn’t want to cut Dean with them.

He hopes that the pain in his heart will ease.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your amazing support and for all the comments, kudos, bookmarks and subcriptions :')

“It wouldn’t hurt you boys to spend the night in a hotel room instead of a heinous motel,” Rowena says as she walks into the room.

“Hunting doesn’t pay well,” Dean mutters, closing the door with a kick.

“And we also like to stay out of the radar,” Sam adds.

“You should learn to live a little,” Rowena says as she drops her bag onto the table. Then, she gives Castiel a flirtatious smile. “Hello, Castiel.”

“Hello, Rowena,” Castiel says, casually.

Dean clears his throat and he looks at Rowena. “Here’s the situation.” He approaches her and grabs Sam’s tablet, looking for the video they got from the police records.

When he finds it, he plays it and hands the device to Rowena. She watches the video of a woman in front of an ATM, and when she has the money on her hands, her eyes flash and they instantly start bleeding along with her mouth. She falls onto the floor and the camera stops working.

“The police found her dead. Her eyes had been removed,” Sam says with a grimace. “Whoever did that, left behind the money.”

“We don’t think it’s a witch,” Castiel proceeded. “There weren’t hex bags or runes. And the few witnesses that saw a flash of light say it was orange and not purple.”

Rowena scrunches her nose. “There are many different types of witchcraft, but there’s always something in common. There are some elements that coincide between the different branches. I can tell you now that this is not witchcraft.” She puts down the device and she looks at the three of them. “What do you think it might be?”

“Some god or demigod,” Dean answers. “If we get you to the morgue, will you be able to do some kind of spell to one of the corpses and try to find out what might be killing all these people?”

“Perhaps. But I’m not so sure. I could try to get a glimpse. But trying to use a corpse to find somebody else is not too reliable.”

“We know,” Sam says, and then smirks at Rowena. “But you’ve faced worse challenges.”

Rowena smiles. “Flatterer.”

***

Rowena manages to pinpoint that all the victims had been at a bar called Black Wind before they all got killed. She couldn’t see the one responsible for it, but she was able to tell them that whoever is after those kills, also has an intense smell of apple trees.

While Sam and Rowena remain in the motel room, trying to find answers in the lore, Dean and Castiel head towards the bar, hoping to spot someone who smells like apple trees.

The bar is not Dean’s type of bar. There are no pool tables and instead there’s a dance floor. At least, some of the music that plays belongs to the 80s and 90s, which makes the place a little bit tolerable.

The two of them sit on a booth and they order two beers. Dean scans the place, trying to find something, but they don’t have much to work on besides the smell.

“Do you smell anything like apples?” Dean asks, leaning onto Cas. The music isn’t too loud, but Dean needs to raise his volume a little if he wants Cas to hear him properly.

“I’m afraid not,” Castiel answers while his eyes roam the place.

The waiter comes back with their drinks and both of them thank her before she leaves.

“I still don’t understand why all the victims were missing eyes,” Castiel murmurs, leaning onto Dean, so that he can only hear him. This close, Dean can smell Castiel’s scent; like cotton and storm. “What is the killer doing with those?”

“No idea.”

Castiel nods and pulls away, making Dean instantly miss his warmth and his smell. “You think that whoever is responsible will show up?”

Dean shrugs. “It’s worth a try.”

Castiel doesn’t say anything else and focuses his eyes on the dance floor, watching how some people dance to a terrible song that Dean has never heard before. Nonetheless, people seem to enjoy it.

“Don’t tell me you like this song,” Dean says, sounding offended.

“Not really. But it isn’t bad either,” Castiel confesses. “It’s a good song for dancing, though.”

“You can dance with any song.”

“Most of the songs you listen to can’t be danced to.”

“Yes, you can,” Dean says with an obvious stare. Castiel arches a brow. “Maybe you can’t dance to them like with a waltz or any of those other fucking dances, but you can dance to them.”

Castiel nods and he keeps looking back at the dance floor. The song changes to some 90s song that Dean has heard before but he can’t name the artist nor the title. But it’s better than the garbage that was playing before.

He takes another quick look at the place, trying to smell some apple tree, but his nose doesn’t pick up on anything.

They might not find their target in the whole night, but they have to give it a shot. They don’t have much. They could have stayed in the motel room and help Sam and Rowena, but those two always work better when they don’t have any interruptions.

Besides, Dean likes spending time with Cas, even if they are simply sitting around, waiting for something to happen in a dull bar.

Eventually, _Heaven_ by Bryan Adams starts playing, and Castiel makes a thoughtful face.

“I’ve heard this song before,” Castiel comments, frowning.

“Yeah, you—” Dean clears his throat as he blushes. “You heard it when you came back to the bunker. I was singing to it.”

Castiel smiles and nods. “Yes. I remember now. I hadn’t heard the beginning of the song.”

Dean shakes his head and looks at the dance floor. The people that have been dancing before are now embracing while they dance, or they are dancing really close.

Dean drinks a long sip of his beer to work up his courage and he looks at Cas. “Do you— do you wanna dance?”

Castiel instantly turns his face around to look at Dean, who desperately hopes to look casual.

Castiel keeps looking at him, without saying a word, and Dean blushes and rubs his neck, nervously. He shouldn’t have asked that. Friends don’t dance to love songs. He is about to tell Cas to forget it when Castiel finally says, “Yes. I would love to.”

Dean nods and stands up from the booth. He offers his hand at Cas, without looking at his face, feeling how his whole face must be an intense shade of red.

Castiel places his palm against Dean’s, and when he stands up, they hold hands while they walk the small distance that separates them from the dance floor. With slightly trembling hands, Dean places his hands on Castiel’s waist while Castiel places his on Dean’s shoulders before they start swinging.

“I don’t know how to dance,” Castiel confesses.

“Neither do I,” Dean admits, managing a smile of his own. “But mostly, try not to step onto my feet.” He looks at their feet and he accidentally steps onto Cas’ left foot. “Shit, sorry.”

“You should take your own advice and not step onto my feet,” Castiel sasses.

Dean blushes and bites his lower lip. “Sorry. This is awkward.”

“Your movements may be awkward, but this is actually enjoyable.”

Dean dares to look at Castiel’s face, and their eyes meet. “Yeah, it is.” His thumbs caress Castiel, making soothing circles, and the ex-angel sighs happily. “Cas, I— I—” He grunts, frustrated, trying to force the words out, but they are forming a knot in his throat. Like always. “Fuck, I’m terrible at this.”

“I am well aware of that, Dean,” Castiel says after Dean has stepped onto his foot again.

“I’m not talking about the dancing,” Dean says, looking at Castiel’s eyes and Castiel frowns. “Cas, I—”

But before he can finish his sentence, an overwhelming smell of trees comes to them, and both Dean and Castiel look at the bar, where a man has come up from the backdoor to talk to some of his employees.

“Did you smell it?” Dean asks.

“Yes,” Castiel answers, and then he turns his face. “Look at the tattoo he has on his forearm.”

Dean tries to get a look at the tattoo, trying not to be too obvious. “Isn’t that a Celtic symbol?”

“It is. The Celtic symbol of eternity. That’s why he smells like an apple tree. Apple trees were a symbol of youthfulness and rebirth in Celtic mythology.”

“But what does that have to do with getting the eyes of people?”

“Eyes had a spiritual significance for the Celtics. Maybe he is using them for something.” He steals a quick glance to the owner of the bar and then he looks at Dean. “He is not a Celtic god.”

“How can you tell?”

“The eyes. They are human. He must be the offspring of a Celtic god and a human.”

Before Dean can say anything else, his phone rings and he picks it up before grabbing Cas by the hand and dragging him back to the booth. “What’s up, Sammy?”

“I think Rowena and I have found what we’re after,” Sam begins to say. “It’s the offspring of a—”

“Celtic god and a human,” Dean finishes, keeping a low voice. He doesn’t know if the owner has sensitive ears.

“How do you know?”

“Cas figured it out. We have the guy here. Tell me that you guys have found a way to kill it.”

“With iron,” Sam answers. “Pure iron. Right in the heart.”

“Iron through the heart,” Dean whispers to Castiel, who nods. “Okay, we’ve got some iron in the Impala’s trunk. We’ll get it.”

“We’ll go to the bar right now, in case you need some reinforcement.”

“Okay, thanks.” He hangs up and looks at Cas. “We need to come up with a plan to get him out of here.”

Castiel looks at the bar, and when he does it, he looks panicked. “He’s gone.”

“What?” Dean looks around, trying to spot the owner.

“There,” Castiel says, pointing at the man, who is exiting the bar. “I’ll follow him while you get the iron.” He starts to stand up, but Dean grabs his wrist, stopping him.

“Cas, don’t you dare go alone,” Dean mutters, desperate.

“We don’t have time, Dean.”

Dean knows he is right, but he can’t help feeling scared about letting Cas go all alone after that guy. “Just be careful, please,” Dean whispers, letting Castiel’s wrist go.

Castiel nods and he quickly leaves the bar. Dean fishes for his wallet, leaving some money on the booth and he exits the bar as well. He walks towards the Impala and quickly grabs some spiky iron bars.

By the time he closes the trunk, he hears a gunshot, followed by Castiel’s scream.

Dean immediately runs towards the sound, feeling how fear quickly spreads through his body.

He reaches an alley, and he sees the owner of the bar, with his eyes completely orange, smirking as he twists his hand, making Cas float in the air while his eyes bleed and his whole body shakes.

Dean runs towards the owner of the bar, but the demigod spots him easily and with his powers, he throws Dean against the brick wall. Castiel screams again, and when Dean sees him, there’s blood coming out of his mouth.

Dean throws one of the spiky bars towards the man, but the bar owner manages to dodge it in time to avoid his heart and instead it hits his arm. The man screams and glares at Dean. Castiel’s body drops onto the floor with a loud thud. Dean wants to run to him and help him, but he has to kill the Celtic offspring first.

He launches again towards the man, but he stops Dean with his magic while making him feel a terrible pain in his body. It shakes him and he drops the spiky iron bar onto the floor.

“I was going to get your boyfriend’s blue eyes and kill him quickly,” the man with orange eyes says. He moves Castiel’s body in the air, bringing him closer to Dean. “But I’m going to torture him first and make you watch, and then I’ll kill you slowly and painfully.”

Dean tries to struggle, but it is useless. The man smirks and he twists his hand, and Castiel starts to scream.

“Stop it! STOP IT!” Dean yells as he watches how Castiel’s stomach starts to bleed.

“_Prohibere_!”Rowena yells, and the man with the orange eyes suddenly stops, dropping both Dean and Castiel to the floor.

Sam starts running towards the man with a spiky iron bar, but Dean quickly grabs the one that fell to the floor and he stabs the bar owner through the heart. The eyes of the man turn back to their human color, and his body becomes some sort of wood until it becomes dust.

When the Celtic demigod has faded away, Dean kneels next to Cas, who is still unconscious. His eyes and mouth have stopped bleeding but his stomach hasn’t.

“Cas,” Dean pleads as he lifts Castiel’s t-shirt to see the wound. There is no wound. His skin isn’t tore, and yet, he is still bleeding.

“How is that possible?” Sam asks, scared. “There’s no— there’s no wound.”

Dean removes his jacket and presses it against Castiel’s bleeding skin. There is no wound, so he doesn’t know if his little help will work at all, but he has to try. “Cas, c’mon, wake up, buddy. Wake up.”

“Move,” Rowena says, kneeling next to Dean. She snatches the jacket away and looks at Castiel’s bleeding stomach. “I can stop the bleeding temporarily,” she begins to say. “But if you want me to save him, I will need some of the ingredients you have in the bunker. And we will have to drive fast if we want to make it on time.”

“Just do it,” Dean says. “Please, just do it.”

Rowena nods and she starts to say something in Latin while her eyes turn purple. Dean looks at Castiel’s face the whole time, praying to him, even if it will be useless.

When Rowena finishes, the bleeding has stopped, but Castiel has a black mark on his stomach.

“The spell will last for three of four hours,” she explains.

“Sam,” Dean says as he grabs Castiel and carries him in his arms. “You drive. And you drive faster than you have in your fucking whole life.”

“I will,” Sam says. “Don’t worry. We’ll make it on time.”

They walk towards the Impala. Dean gets in the backseat and holds Castiel in his arms once Sam starts driving, faster than he has ever done, making Rowena grip her seat tightly.

“Hold on, Cas,” Dean whispers into Castiel’s hair. “Just hold on. Don’t leave me, please. Don’t leave me.”

He closes his eyes and buries his face on Castiel’s messy hair, hiding his tears from his brother and Rowena.

***

As promised, Sam drives faster than he has ever driven.

By the time they make it into the bunker’s garage, Dean carries Cas in his arms and almost runs towards the infirmary, followed by Sam and Rowena.

“Get him in the infirmary!” Rowena yells. “Sam and I will get all the ingredients. And be sure to take off his t-shirt!”

Dean nods without stopping.

He soon reaches the infirmary and he places Cas onto one of the beds. Carefully, he removes Cas’ plaid shirt and his t-shirt. The mysterious bleeding has stopped, but there is some strange black bruise where he was bleeding.

Dean reaches for Castiel’s cheek, feeling his cold skin.

“Please,” Dean whispers, caressing his cheek. “Don’t make me lose you again. Come back, like you always do.”

“Sam, put everything in a nearby table,” Rowena announces as she enters the room. Dean doesn’t bother to pull away his hand.

“What else do you need?” Sam asks after he is done.

“Space,” Rowena answers as she rolls her sleeves. She looks at Dean, who is still looking at Castiel’s motionless face. “Dean. Move away.”

Dean looks at her, and before he can react, Sam grabs Dean by his shoulders and pulls him away.

Rowena grabs a bowl Sam carried and she begins to put some ingredients in it.

“Will he be alright?” Dean asks, almost voiceless.

“He will,” Rowena answers, still focused on her spell. “But it will hurt him.”

“How much?” Sam asks with a trembling voice, a question Dean was about to ask as well.

“A little. He has the magic of the Celtic offspring in him. And I have to kill it. He will be safe after I’m done, but he will be in pain while I make the spell.”

“Let me hold his hand while you’re—” Dean begins to say, already taking a step towards Cas.

“Don’t!” Rowena warms. “If there is some kind of contact, the magic will trespass to you.”

“I can’t let him go through that alone.”

“He won’t be alone,” Sam says, grabbing Dean by the shoulders again. “We’ll be here with him.”

Rowena nods.

“Don’t hurt him, please,” Dean pleads.

“I won’t hurt him,” Rowena promises with a sympathetic smile. “But I can’t speak for the magic inside him.”

“Just do what you have to do to save him,” Sam says.

Rowena nods. She grabs some dust from the bowl and she places it onto Castiel’s stomach. “Don’t come near him until I’m done, understood?”

Dean and Sam nod.

Then, Rowena’s eyes turn purple and she begins to say something in Latin. Without opening his eyes, Castiel begins to scream.

Dean’s instinct is to run to him, but Sam holds him. “Dean, don’t,” Sam says.

Rowena places her hands above where she placed the dust and her words become louder and louder. Her hair moves and part of her veins turns into a bright purple that matches the color of her eyes. Something orange starts glowing underneath Castiel’s skin, and it quickly turns black. The ex-angel screams in pain and his back arches.

Dean can’t stand watching it.

Suddenly, Rowena presses her hand tightly against Castiel’s abdomen, and a small wave of purple appears. Castiel then slumps onto the bed and doesn’t scream anymore, and the black light disappears completely.

Rowena’s eyes come back to their normal color and she holds herself against the table, exhausted.

Dean and Sam look first at Cas and then at Rowena.

“It’s done,” Rowena murmurs.

Dean runs towards Castiel and cups his face. “Cas. Cas?”

“He won’t wake up for about eight hours or so,” Rowena explains as she tentatively stands on her own feet. “The magic has left him exhausted, so he needs to rest.”

“But is he okay?” Sam asks, approaching Castiel.

“Yes. He’s as good as before. Only that he needs some decent sleep to restore his energy.”

Dean closes his eyes and sighs. Cas is safe, but he won’t be completely relieved until he sees him awake.

“I’m gonna bring him to his room,” Dean says. “He will sleep better in his mattress.”

“Do you need some help?” Sam asks.

“I can carry him, don’t worry.”

Slowly and carefully, Dean gets Cas in his arms and then he carries him towards the bedroom. As he walks with Cas in his arms, Dean looks at his peaceful face and tries to fight against the urge to cry.

He could have lost him. It was a close call.

When he reaches Cas’ bedroom, he takes off Castiel’s boots and then he puts him on a t-shirt, just so he doesn’t feel cold, and then he gets him in bed. Once Cas is under the covers, Dean caresses his hair and leans to press him a kiss on the forehead.

“You aren’t thinking on spending the whole night watching over him, are you?” Sam asks from the door.

Dean looks at him, startled. He isn’t sure if Sam is aware of his feelings towards Cas. Part of him thinks that Sam suspects, but he has never addressed the topic directly. By the way he is looking at Dean, he doesn’t seem surprised or shocked. He seems to find Dean kissing Cas’ forehead like a normal thing.

“I think I should,” Dean says, caressing Castiel’s hair again.

“You should rest,” Sam whispers. “There’s nothing you can do while he sleeps.”

Dean sighs and looks at Cas.

“He will be okay, Dean. He’s a tough guy,” Sam says.

Dean smiles, sadly. “Yeah. He is.” Then he sighs and walks away.

Before he closes the door behind him, he looks at Cas one more time.

“Where’s Rowena?” Dean asks.

“In the kitchen,” Sam answers as he rubs his face, tiredly. “She said that she needed some tea to restore herself.”

Dean nods.

“You okay?” Sam asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dean answers, casually. “I’ll be better when Cas wakes up.”

Sam smiles. “We all will.” He looks at the door briefly and then he looks at Dean. “I’m gonna go to bed. I’m freaking exhausted, man.”

“Yeah, get some rest.”

“Do you need anything?”

“No. But thanks, Sammy.”

Sam clasps his shoulder and then walks towards his bedroom. Dean, meanwhile, walks towards the kitchen to get himself a glass of whiskey.

Rowena is still there, taking a small sip of her tea.

“Castiel has a nice taste in tea,” Rowena says as she watches Dean pour himself a glass of whiskey. “You should drink tea. It’s healthier.”

“I ain’t looking for something healthy right now,” Dean confesses. He takes a sip of his drink and sits in front of Rowena. “Thanks for saving him.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I adore the beautiful former angel of the lord.”

Dean chuckles and shakes his head. “Still, thanks. It means a lot to me— to us, that you saved him.” He looks down at his glass, avoiding Rowena’s curious eyes. “If he died again I would—” He grimaces instead of finishing his sentence.

“Does he know?” Rowena asks.

Dean frowns. “Know what?”

“Your feelings towards him.”

“No. Not really.” He is surprised about how easy the confession slips from his mouth.

Rowena hums. “And why doesn’t he?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Everything in life is complicated. But we can’t use that excuse all the time.” She rolls her eyes and scowls Dean. “What’s the real reason why you haven’t told him yet?”

Dean takes a deep breath. “I don’t wanna hurt him. I always end up fucking up the people I care about.”

“We all do that at some point, dear. What’s the real reason?”

Dean frowns. “That’s the real reason.”

“No. I think you are afraid of loving him fully, because if you do, it becomes real, and if it becomes real, it means that if you lose him, the pain will be so unbearable, that you won’t know how to get rid of that pain. And you don’t want that. You don’t want to go through that suffering. And it scares you. To know that something so wonderful might bring you such pain.”

Dean stares at her. “You seem to know a lot about that.”

Rowena makes a sad smile. “I used to have a heart back then when I was younger than you are now.” She grabs her mug and drinks more of her tea. “You should go after him. After all you two have been through, you deserve some happiness.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Dean asks, confused.

Rowena shrugs. “Maybe because one gets tired of seeing you two looking at each other with too much pinning in your eyes.”

Dean rolls his eyes and drinks the remaining of his whiskey. “Can I ask you something a bit personal?”

Rowena arches her brow. “Sure.”

“What did Billie give you?”

Rowena smirks. “I’m glad to see that Samuel kept his promise of not telling you.”

“You told Sam?”

Rowena nods. “Back when you asked for my assistance to locate Castiel. When you went after him, and Samuel and I were alone, he asked me. In exchange, I asked him not to tell anybody else and to also tell me what Billie gave to each of you.”

Dean blinks perplexed. “So, what did she give you?”

“She changed the way I will die. Sam Winchester will no longer be the reason of my death. Instead, I will die in my sleep in a nice house beach that I don’t own yet. Once I start living in that beach house, I know I will die.”

“She basically let you pick when you’re gonna die,” Dean says, frowning.

“She did. I’m in control of my own death.”

“Why would you want to die?”

“Immortality gets dull after a while, Dean,” Rowena says, sighing. “When you have lived for such a long time as I have, things get repetitive. It is true that once in a while something exciting happens, but the rest is filled with trying to fight for your life, running away from hunters or the Men of Letters. And when you finally seem to have everything already in your life, what’s left for you? Just more life to exist. Not to live, but to exist.”

Dean looks at her as he processes her words.

“So,” Rowena proceeds, shaking her head, trying to get rid of any emotions he felt while she pronounced her little speech. “Unless you’re like me, almost immortal, you only get one life. Try not to waste it and go after what you really want.” She drinks the remaining of her tea and stands up, walking away from the kitchen.

Dean watches her go, thinking about her words.

He could have lost Cas tonight. Cas could have died without knowing how Dean felt. It happened in the past, when Lucifer killed Castiel in front of his eyes. Back then, Dean thought that Cas was gone for good, and it destroyed him. A part of Dean died when Castiel died. With Cas’ death, Dean was lost, unable to find a reason to keep fighting.

That same scenario could have repeated itself tonight.

He knows he should just tell him, but he can’t. It’s so hard. Nothing is scarier that giving Cas his heart. It will expose him like he has never exposed himself before. And he doesn’t want to get hurt, and much less to hurt Cas.

Dean drinks the remaining of his drink and decides to go to his bedroom to try to get some sleep.

He has too much to think about, so he doesn’t know if he will get any sleep at all.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for your wonderful support, your comments, your kudos, your bookmarks and your subscriptions

The first thing Dean does when he wakes up is run towards the bathroom to relieve himself. The next thing he does is walk towards Castiel’s bedroom. He would have done this first, but he really needed to go to the bathroom first.

When he starts approaching Castiel’s bedroom, the door opens, and Castiel comes out, looking a bit tired, but safe.

He immediately spots Dean and their eyes meet.

“Cas,” Dean says, relieved.

Without wasting any second, he walks towards Cas and hugs him tightly, shutting his eyes tightly as he feels Cas alive in his arms, hugging him back. He lets out a relieved sigh and rubs Castiel’s back.

“How’re you feeling?” Dean asks, pulling away his face from Castiel, but keeping his hands on him.

“Thirsty, hungry and a bit tired,” Castiel answers.

Dean chuckles.

“Dean, I’m so sorry,” Castiel begins to say, looking ashamed. “He knew we were after him and he attacked me before I could do anything and—”

“It doesn’t matter,” Dean interrupts, cupping Castiel’s cheek, making Castiel gasp at the contact. “You’re alive. That’s what matters.”

“I should have been more careful.”

“Well, I’m not gonna argue with that, but—” He lets out a nervous chuckle and his thumb strokes Castiel’s cheek. “What matters is that you’re alright.”

“Still, I should have done something differently, I should—”

“Cas, stop beating yourself over it.”

Castiel frowns. “Why aren’t you angry at me? I didn’t do a good job and I got hurt. You, Sam and Rowena had to deal with my mess.”

“You didn’t make a mess. We both thought he didn’t know we were after him. Not the first time that happens to any of us.”

Castiel is about to protest, but Dean speaks first.

“Look, it doesn’t matter anymore. Just be more careful next time,” Dean says. “Right now, I’m just glad that you’re okay.” He sighs and he moves both of his hands until his fingers brush the inner of Castiel’s wrists. “I thought I was gonna lose you.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to cause you more distress.”

Dean is about to say something, but Castiel’s stomach grumbles, making Dean laugh. “C’mon, let’s make some breakfast.”

He reluctantly pulls his hands away from Cas and they start walking towards the kitchen. He looks at Castiel, walking next to him, just to make sure that he isn’t dreaming, that Cas is really alive and that he is alright.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Dean asks as he opens the fridge. “I can make you almost anything.”

“Whatever you want, Dean,” Castiel says as he starts making coffee. For some reason, he sounds sad.

Dean looks at him and frowns. He closes the fridge and walks towards him. “Cas, what’s wrong?”

Castiel keeps looking at the coffee machine, avoiding Dean’s eyes.

“Cas, please,” Dean pleads, brushing his fingers on the inner of Castiel’s wrist. The touch makes Castiel close his eyes and sigh, but he doesn’t pull away. “What’s wrong?”

“Cas!” Sam exclaims, making both Dean and Castiel turn around, startled. The younger Winchester walks towards Cas and gives him an effusive hug that Castiel returns. “How are you feeling?”

“Mostly tired, but I’m good,” Castiel answers, timidly.

“Man, it’s good to see you doing alright.” He claps Castiel’s shoulder and smiles at him.

Dean tries to ignore the worried feeling crawling up his spine and looks at Cas. “How about if I make some waffles?”

“That’s good,” Castiel answers, getting his attention back to the coffee machine. “Thank you.”

Dean nods and walks to the fridge. He doesn’t miss the confused look Sam gives him.

Before Sam can ask what’s going on, Rowena comes in and walks towards Castiel. “It’s good to see you, Castiel.”

While the two of them start talking, Dean decides to isolate himself and focus on making waffles, but his worry doesn’t disappear at all.

***

After Rowena departs, Dean decides to remain in his bedroom, reading one of the books he purchased a few weeks ago. He tries to put all of his attention into the words, to let himself be immersed in the fictional world, but his mind keeps thinking about Cas, worrying about him, knowing that something’s going on with him.

Unable to let himself be dragged into the plot of the book, he closes it and leaves his bedroom, walking through the hall until he is standing in front of Castiel’s door.

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves and then he knocks.

“Come in,” Castiel says.

Dean opens the door and he lets himself in, finding Castiel on the bed, reading a book that’s placed on his lap.

“Hey,” Dean says, feeling nervous.

“Hello,” Castiel greets back.

“Can we— can we talk?”

“Of course,” Castiel says as he closes his book and puts it on the bedside table.

Dean closes the door behind him and then he watches the bed, wondering if he should sit on it or just remain standing in front of it. He sighs and decides to sit on the bed, because his legs feel jittery.

“Are you okay?” Dean asks, looking at Castiel’s face.

“I’m still a little bit tired, but Rowena told me that’s normal,” Castiel answers, casually. “I will be better tomorrow.”

“I’m not talking about that, Cas.”

Castiel frowns at that. “Then, what are you talking about?”

Dean exhales, tiredly, and he looks at his hands for a while before finding the courage to look at Castiel again. “You look sad and kind of defeated.”

Castiel looks away and Dean’s stomach twists. “I’m fine, Dean.”

“No, you’re not. You haven’t been fine for a while and I’m worried about you.” His hand finds Castiel’s and he starts caressing his fingers, wanting to give him some comfort. Words aren’t Dean’s strength, but he knows how to use touch as a comfort. “I want you to be okay.”

Castiel clenches his jaw and he looks at Dean with hurt eyes. “I’m okay.”

“Bullshit.”

“Dean—”

“Why can’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Dean asks, slipping some anger into his voice. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He doesn’t want to be angry. When he gets angry, he ends up saying things he shouldn’t, and the last thing he wants to do is hurt Cas. “I wanna help, Cas.”

Castiel looks down, looking miserable and sad. “I’m too tired to have this conversation.”

“Cas—”

“Please,” Castiel says, looking briefly at Dean’s eyes. “Just let me be, please.”

Dean rubs his face, defeated, and sighs. “Okay.”

He stands up from the bed and leaves the bedroom, without looking back at Cas and without telling him another word.

The pain and the worry don’t leave Dean at all.

***

“Is Cas alright?” Sam asks as he steps into the kitchen. “He hasn’t come out of his bedroom since lunch.”

“I don’t know,” Dean answers, a bit angry but mostly tired. He is chopping some vegetables for the lasagna he is going to make for supper. He always makes lasagna with vegetables and mince, to satisfy his taste and Sam’s.

Sam frowns. “Did you guys argue again?”

Dean shakes his head. “No, we didn’t argue.”

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Sam asks as he approaches Dean.

Dean sighs and stops chopping the zucchini. “That’s the problem, Sammy. I don’t know what’s wrong.” He shakes his head, feeling how his eyes try to get glassy, but he fights the tears. “I just—” He chuckles bitterly and grabs the knife again. “I don’t fucking know, Sam. I don’t fucking know.”

Sam shuffles his feet and then he leans against the counter. He spends some minutes in silence, as if he was struggling with his words. Finally, he says, “Did you, uh, tell him about your feelings for him?”

Dean stops chopping again and gives his little brother an alarmed look. “My what?” he asks with a high pitched voice.

Sam pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs, exasperated. “Dean, cut the crap, alright?” He gives him a plain look. “I know how you feel about Cas. I’ve known for years. I never talked to you about it because you clearly didn’t want to talk about it, but I know you’ve been in love with him for years.”

Dean looks away, feeling how his whole face blushes. He knew that Sam suspected something, but he wasn’t expecting for Sam to really know. Apparently everyone knows. Is he that obvious?

“You are kind of obvious,” Sam states with a chuckle that holds no malice in it. “You always get closer to him than anyone else, and you always have a hard time letting him go when you touch him. You always search him with your eyes. Not to mention all the pining.”

“I don’t pine over him,” Dean mutters.

“Yes, you do,” Sam snaps. “You both do.”

“He doesn’t.”

“Yes, he does. I’ve seen him,” Sam says. “He’s in love with you, too.”

Dean feels more tears forming in his eyes. “No, he isn’t.”

“Yes, he is. He might not tell you because he might be as scared as you are of getting in a serious relationship. He used to be an angel, and angels aren’t supposed to feel. They are told that feelings lead to disobedience and sin, so it must be hard for them when they actually start feeling something.”

Dean doesn’t say anything.

“Is that what’s been going on between you two lately?” Sam asks. “You finally told him?”

“No,” Dean answers in a murmur. “I haven’t told him anything. I will never tell him about it.”

Sam frowns. “Why not?”

“Because it would only fuck things up in between us! Things would get fucking complicated and messy and both of us will get hurt eventually! That’s how it works with me! And I don’t wanna do that to him!”

Sam looks at him and Dean can’t stand the pity in his eyes, so he walks towards the fridge to get some mozzarella cheese that he will grate.

“Dean—” Sam begins to say.

“Don’t,” Dean interrupts, hating how broken his voice comes. “I don’t wanna talk about this, right now. Or ever.”

Sam lets out a disappointed sigh. “I think you two would be really happy if you got together.”

Dean snorts. “Yeah, sure.”

“I do. I really do. You two are always happier when you are together.”

Before Dean can say anything, Sam leaves the kitchen.

His brother has a point; when Cas is around, Dean feels happier. But he isn’t sure that Cas feels happier when he is around Dean.

***

“Smells great,” Sam says as he watches how Dean takes the lasagna out of the oven.

Dean smiles, proudly. Carefully, he puts the lasagna on the counter and he takes off his kitchen mittens.

“While we wait for it to cool off, I’m gonna see if Cas wants to eat,” Dean announces.

Cas hasn’t left his room for the whole day. Dean hasn’t tried to make him come out, but it’s time for supper, and Cas needs to get some food in his system if he wants to feel better.

He walks towards Castiel’s bedroom and he knocks on the door, but he gets no answer.

“Cas?” Dean asks.

Again, there’s no answer.

Without thinking it twice, Dean opens the door, and finds Castiel putting his clothes inside a duffel bag.

Cas is leaving. Again.

Their eyes meet. Castiel is about to say something, but Dean simply just shakes his head and walks away.

“Dean, wait!” Castiel says.

Dean keeps walking, not wanting to stop, but Castiel grabs his arm and turns him around, stopping him.

“Dean—”

“Don’t!” Dean says, pulling his arm free from Castiel’s grip. “I don’t want any excuses. If you wanna leave, just fucking leave. I don’t fucking care anymore.”

“Dean, please.”

“Is it that bad?” Dean asks, with a broken voice. “To be here? To be around me?”

Castiel blinks at him, perplexed. “Of course not. Why would you say that?”

“Why?! You really have to ask that?!” Dean shakes his head in disbelief. Castiel keeps looking at him in confusion, squinting his eyes and tilting his head. “You always decide to leave after you spend time with me! You obviously must find it fucking horrible to be around me!”

“That’s not true, Dean!”

Dean snorts. “Sure!” He rubs his sore eyes while he shakes his head.

Castiel reaches for Dean’s hand. “Dean.”

“Don’t!” Dean says, pulling away, watching how his action makes Castiel’s eyes look heartbroken. “This time you weren’t even gonna tell me.”

“I was going to tell you.”

“Bullshit.”

Castiel glares him. “I was. I swear.”

“You’re a liar. You’re a fucking liar.” He feels how his tears are about to fall down, but he refuses to let Cas see him cry right now. “If you wanna eat before you leave, I just made lasagna. Serve yourself.”

Castiel is about to grab him again, but Dean pulls away and walks towards his bedroom.

He spots Sam in the hallway, wanting to ask so many questions, but Dean ignores him and hides in his bedroom.

***

Dean’s stomach keeps groaning. He should go to the kitchen and get some lasagna for himself, but he doesn’t want to run into Cas or Sam.

He buries his face in his pillow, still wet from the few tears he let out just to vent himself.

He still feels like shit.

There is a knock on his door, but Dean doesn’t say a word.

The knock comes again, this time followed by Castiel’s voice. “Dean?”

Dean doesn’t answer nor move. He forgot to lock the door and he should silently walk towards the door and lock it before Castiel can come in.

But Castiel opens the door and comes in.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel murmurs as he closes the door behind him.

Dean buries his face in the pillow so he doesn’t have to see Cas. He is being petty and pathetic, but he is hurt, so he thinks he is entitled to behave like this.

Castiel sighs and walks towards the bedside table. Dean hears the sound of a dish being placed on it, and by the smell, he knows it’s the lasagna he made.

“I brought you some lasagna,” Castiel says almost in a whisper. “I thought you might be hungry.”

Dean keeps his face pressed against the pillow.

Castiel sighs and he starts walking. Dean is sure he is going to leave the bedroom, but instead, Castiel walks towards the empty side of Dean’s bed and he lies onto it.

Dean feels the mattress dip and how Cas rolls onto his side.

He is really close to Dean, who tries to remain still, but then, Cas’ hand starts caressing his hair and Dean rolls onto his side, showing his back to Cas.

Cas can’t keep doing this; giving him moments like this that make Dean’s hope build up only to crash it down when he leaves.

Castiel stops touching his hair and instead presses himself against Dean’s back and rests his hand on Dean’s hip, his thumb making soothing circles.

“Cas, please,” Dean begs, trying to keep his voice steady but failing. “Don’t—”

“I love being with you,” Castiel confesses in a soft whisper. “But it’s hard sometimes.”

“Why is it hard?”

Castiel sighs and rests his forehead on Dean’s shoulder. “Too many emotions.” He sighs again. “I am scared of them sometimes.”

Dean lets out a shaky breath and decides to turn around. He looks at Castiel’s face finally and he reaches for the ex-angel’s hand. “I’m fucking scared, too.”

Their fingers intertwine and they both watch the motion. So simple and so perfect.

“I’m not in a good mental space right now, Dean,” Castiel confesses. “That’s why I leave. Because I don’t want you to deal with it. I am useless and a waste of space.”

“You aren’t useless. And you aren’t a waste of space.”

“I am.”

“You are not,” Dean insists. “Look at me, Cas.”

With difficulty, Castiel looks at Dean’s eyes.

“You aren’t useless and you aren’t a waste of space,” Dean repeats.

“Last night, I got attacked and—” Castiel begins to say.

“We all get attacked at some point, Cas. That doesn’t make you useless or a waste of space. You’ve helped us in a lot of hunts since you became human. You know tons of things that neither Sam nor I know. You do a fucking lot.”

Castiel shrugs and looks away. “It was better when I was an angel.”

“No. It was the same,” Dean says, really convinced. “Do you know what’s the only thing that I miss about you being an angel? That you could heal with a touch. ‘Cause let’s be real, that saves a lot of time and pain, and it also saves money on bandages and all that. But apart from that, you still are a badass, you can kick ass and you’re really strategic.”

Castiel takes a deep breath and he looks at their joined hands with so much sadness in his eyes. “I am constantly failing, Dean.”

“So am I.”

Castiel looks at Dean’s eyes. “I’m broken.”

“You aren’t. I’m the broken one.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“If you wanna turn this into a self-loathing contest, I can tell you that I’m probably gonna win.”

Castiel chuckles bitterly. “You are a stubborn idiot.”

“Look who’s talking.”

They both manage to make a tiny and brief smile.

Dean pulls his hand away from Castiel’s and places it on Castiel’s cheek, cupping his face. Castiel closes his eyes and sighs. He leans onto the touch and places his hand on top of Dean’s.

“Stay with me,” Dean pleads and Castiel opens his eyes. “Don’t leave. We’ll figure it out like we always do.”

“Dean—”

“Be with me.”

“You deserve someone better than a miserable fallen angel.”

Dean chuckles at that. “And you deserve someone better than a fucked up hunter.”

Castiel grabs Dean’s hand and kisses his palm, making Dean gasp and blush. “I need to leave for a while, Dean.”

“Cas, please, don’t,” Dean says with glassy eyes. “Stay, please. I promise you that we’ll figure it out. We managed to restore our friendship when we thought it was broken, so we can find a way to make this work. Just— don’t leave. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Dean, I—”

But Dean doesn’t let him finish and kisses him instead. He presses his lips against Castiel’s while his hands cup the ex-angel’s face. Castiel immediately kisses him back and gets his hand on top of one of Dean’s.

A few tears fall down Dean’s cheeks. He can’t believe he is finally kissing Cas and that Cas is kissing him back. This isn’t the scenario Dean imagined for their first kiss, but it doesn’t matter; they are finally kissing.

They both sigh into the kiss, enjoying the feeling of their lips sealed together.

Castiel eventually pulls away and Dean notices that he has shred some tears as well. He breathes shakily and his fingers brush Dean’s wet and warm cheek.

“Stay,” Dean whispers.

Castiel closes his eyes and few more tears spill from his eyes. “I can’t, Dean.”

“Please. Stay with me.” He leans and kisses Castiel’s lips briefly. “Don’t leave.” He kisses the corner of his mouth. “Stay with me, Cas.”

“Dean,” Castiel murmurs as Dean kisses the line of his jaw. The ex-angel lets out a shaky breath. “Dean, please. I need to leave.”

“Cas—”

“Dean, please, listen to me,” Castiel begs. He cups Dean’s face and meets his eyes. “I need to leave for a while. I need to think and—”

Dean pulls away and sits on the bed, hiding his face from Castiel’s. He feels that his heart is about to break.

“Dean?” Castiel asks.

“You can’t keep doing this,” Dean snaps. “You can’t keep dancing around with me and then leave as if it meant nothing to you. I can’t wait for you to decide what the fuck you want from me.” He lets out a sob and he begins to cry, hating how pathetic he sounds.

“Dean,” Castiel murmurs. He walks until he is in front of Dean. “Dean,” he repeats as he tries to hold Dean.

But Dean shoves him away. “Don’t. I’m tired of getting my heart broken over and over again. I can’t take it anymore.”

Castiel doesn’t say anything and instead looks at Dean with heartbroken eyes.

Dean tries to stop crying, but he can’t.

Castiel kneels in front of Dean. “Come with me, then.”

Dean looks at him, startled. “What?”

“Come with me.”

Dean frowns, confused, not knowing what to say.

Castiel sighs. “I need to leave, but if my departure is so painful to you, then you can always come with me.”

“And then, what? Are we gonna pretend that we just didn’t kiss and that we don’t wanna be together? I’m tired of pretending that I don’t want to be more than friends with you.”

“So am I, Dean.”

“So what the fuck is the problem then?”

“The problem is that I am broken right now, Dean!” Castiel yells, startling Dean. He looks defeated and Dean hates it. Castiel looks down and sighs. “You might refuse to see it, but I know that I am broken. And I need to put myself back together before I can be with you. Because I don’t want to hurt you with any of my broken pieces.”

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean breathes out.

“Being human is hard,” Castiel murmurs as he looks at Dean.

“Yeah. I know.”

"Dean, I want to be with you, I really do," Castiel says. Their eyes meet again, and Dean can see the storm of emotions in Castiel's beautiful blue eyes. "But I am not in a good mental space. I can't be a burden to you."

"You aren't a burden," Dean says. “You never are.”

Castiel makes a tiny smile and blushes slightly. "You have such a big heart, Dean.”

Dean snorts and rolls his eyes.

"I know I am asking for a lot," Castiel continues. "I am asking you to wait for a bit longer, and it's not fair. We both are tired of waiting. But I need some time, Dean."

Dean nods. He gets it. He truly does. Part of Dean still feels broken. He still fears that his own broken pieces will cut Castiel deep.

"Okay," Dean says in a sigh. "Take all the time you need."

"Are you sure?" Castiel asks.

"Yeah. If that's what you need, then do it."

"You don't sound really convinced."

"Cas, I'm tired of waiting. If it were for me we would just be kissing right now until we both were senseless," Dean explains with an obvious face. "Or maybe we would be having mind blowing sex in this bed." At that he blushes. "Or we would just be holding each other until we fell asleep. But I know you need your time and your space, so I'm gonna give it to you. I don't want to fuck this. We both know I have fucked up way too many times.”

Castiel tentatively places his hands on Dean’s knees. “I have fucked up too many times as well.”

Dean places his hands on top of Castiel’s. “If I have to wait a bit more, then I'll wait. I can do that."

Castiel smiles and grabs Dean's hand to kiss his palm. "Thank you."

Dean nods and blushes. "But I need to ask you something in return."

"Of course, Dean"

"Call me regularly. If that's okay."

Castiel smiles. "Of course."

Dean nods.

Castiel stands up and looks at Dean. "I will miss you."

"I'll miss you, too, Cas."

Castiel nods and leaves the bedroom.

Dean takes a deep breath and drops his back onto his bed. He feels as if he just got shot. This night has been an emotional rollercoaster, but he knows that Cas wants to be with him. He only needs time to get his shit together. And Dean will give him time.

He doesn't know how long it will take, but at least the waiting won't be as painful and uncertain as it used to be.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and for the wonderful comments. Also, thanks for the kudos, the bookmarks and the subscriptions.

Cas keeps his promise of calling Dean regularly. It helps with the ache in Dean’s heart.

Still, Dean can’t help thinking about their complicated situation. Dean still worries that he will end up fucking up things, that Cas deserves better, but he is tired of not getting what his heart most desires because of his self-loathing. It seems that Cas is in the same place, something Dean wasn’t expecting. They have to figure things out, they need to get their shit together.

“Dean, are you listening to me?” Sam asks, quite annoyed.

Dean turns his face to the passenger’s seat, where Sam’s sitting. They’re driving to Wallace, Idaho, to investigate a case.

“No, sorry,” Dean says, clearing his throat. “I was in my head.”

Sam sighs and closes his laptop. “Wanna talk about what’s going on with you?”

Dean hasn’t told Sam anything about what happened between he and Cas. He doesn’t know how to talk about that. All Sam knows is that he and Cas talked and that things didn’t go as bad as usual in between the two of them.

“Do you actually think that if Cas and I got together, we could be happy?” Dean asks in a murmur, feeling how his cheeks blush.

Sam gives him a surprised look. He probably wasn’t expecting Dean to actually address what is going on in his head and much less to talk about that sensitive subject.

“Yeah,” Sam says. “I think you two would be happy.”

“Don’t you think that the two of us are too fucked up?” Dean asks.

“I don’t think you two are fucked up. You two have clearly been through some serious stuff and it has marked both of you in one way or another, but I don’t think either of you is fucked up.” He shrugs casually and Dean tears his eyes from the road momentarily to give Sam a frown. “You both understand this life and you’ve known each other for over a decade. You’d probably argue about some stuff, but all couples do. But at the end of the day, you’ll find a way to make up. You two always do.”

Dean nods, mostly to himself.

“Are you thinking about finally confessing to him once he comes back?” Sam asks.

“Not exactly, but kind of,” Dean answers, not wanting to reveal the whole truth.

Sam makes a confused face. “What do you mean by that?”

Dean bites the inner of his cheek. “I’ll tell you eventually.”

Sam scowls him and then he goes back to his laptop. “Okay.”

***

“Agents Hale and Smith,” Dean announces as he and Sam show their fake FBI badges. “FBI. We’re here to take a look at the body of Daniel Owen.”

The woman in the desk frowns. “There is another one of your guys already looking at the body.”

Sam and Dean exchange a confused frown.

“Another agent?” Sam asks, frowning.

“Yes. His name is Del Rey,” she answers. “He’s in inside with the forensic.”

“Could you please tell us the room he is in?”

“Room five.”

“Great. Thanks.”

Without wasting any other second, Dean and Sam walk towards the room 5.

“What if it is someone from the FBI?” Sam asks, nervously.

“We’ve run into the FBI in the past,” Dean answers. “We’ll work it out.”

They reach room number five and Dean knocks onto the open door, which makes the forensic turn around along with the FBI agent, which happens to be Castiel.

Dean’s heart stops as their eyes meet.

“Are these your colleagues?” the forensic asks, raising both of her eyebrows inquiringly.

“Yes, they are,” Castiel quickly answers, trying to keep his façade.

“Smith and Hale,” Sam explains, pointing himself and Dean. “We just got a call from the office saying that agent Del Rey needed some backup.”

The forensic hums and then her phone starts ringing. “I need to take this. Agent Del Rey will fill you in.” She quickly grabs her phone and leaves the room.

“Cas,” Dean says, closing the door. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve been here for a few days and I heard that something strange was killing people,” Castiel begins to explain. “So I decided to investigate. I couldn’t stay here without doing something to help.”

Dean manages to make a tiny smile. “Yeah. I get that.”

“So what do we got?” Sam asks, approaching the corpse.

“Vampires,” Castiel answers.

***

Sam decides to go get dinner and leave Dean and Cas alone in the motel room. Before Dean can try to convince Sam to switch places with him, his little brother has already closed the door, not before giving Dean a smug smile.

It’s not that Dean doesn’t want to be in the same room with Cas, it’s just that things might be awkward in between them. Trying to ignore what happened more than a week ago is going to be hard.

Dean hasn’t stopped thinking about their kiss during all these days.

“If you want me to leave the hunt, I will understand,” Castiel says, glancing at Dean.

Dean shakes his head. “If we’re dealing with a vampire nest, we’ll need as many hands as we can get.”

“You don’t seem really comfortable with having to hunt with me.”

“It’s not that,” Dean confesses, sighing. He stops looking at his laptop to look at Cas. “It’s just that I wasn’t expecting to see you here. It caught me off guard.” He shrugs and brings back his attention to the screen, trying to find something in the security footage cameras.

Now that Dean knows that Cas wants to be with him, it’s even harder to keep himself away from the ex-angel. He wants to kiss him again, to hold him, to tell him so many things. It’s harder now because he knows he could, but he has to wait. As much as he hates waiting, he needs to wait.

He takes a quick glance at Cas, and the ex-angel turns his face, noticing Dean’s stare. Dean quickly looks away, feeling embarrassed. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Castiel’s tiny but sweet smile.

“I think I might have found where their nest is,” Castiel announces.

Dean drags his chair closer so he can look at the screen of the laptop, getting closer to Castiel. 

“That’s in the outskirts, where most victims were found,” Dean says. “What makes you think they’re in an abandoned house?”

“It belongs to the family of one of the witnesses we talked to this afternoon,” Castiel explains.

Dean’s phone starts ringing. “Alright, we’ll check it out.” He grabs his phone, seeing Sam’s name on it and he answers it. “What’s up, Sammy?”

But Sam doesn’t answer. All Dean can hear are muffled voices and sounds of struggle.

“Sam?” Dean asks worried.

“What’s wrong?” Castiel asks.

Dean puts the call on speaker. The two of them keep hearing some muffled sounds and grunts. And then, suddenly, they manage to hear Sam’s voice, but it’s distant.

They hear more muffled sounds and then, Sam’s clear voice says. “Vampires!”

That’s all he says before the line goes silent.

“Shit,” Dean says and he stands up from the chair and walks out from the room. “Shit, shit, shit.”

Castiel follows him, carrying a laptop. “Do you have any idea where he might have gone to get dinner?”

“Not far, ‘cause he didn’t get the Impala.” He fishes the keys from the pocket of his jeans and he opens the trunk. Then he grabs the laptop Castiel is holding. “Grab a couple of machetes while I try to locate his phone.”

Castiel nods while Dean gets in the car and starts trying to locate Sam’s phone. Castiel closes the trunk and he gets in the Impala as well.

“I got it,” Dean announces.

“You drive while I give you directions,” Castiel says as he gets the laptop.

The drive doesn’t take them more than five minutes. Sam’s phone is in an empty alley with not much visibility.

“There’s a camera here,” Castiel comments, pointing at it. “Maybe we can hack it.”

Dean nods and they get in the Impala again.

Dean starts typing on the laptop, looking for the camera, and after a while, he finds the footage of Sam being dragged by three guys.

“This is the son of one of the witnesses we talked to today,” Castiel says, pointing to a guy who must be around his late teens.

“You sure?” Dean asks.

“Yes. I saw him in a few photos in that house. They might have Sam in that abandoned house.”

“Let’s go after those bloodsucking bastards,” Dean announces before he starts the Impala.

***

Quietly, Dean and Castiel get inside the supposed abandoned house.

They make it inside through the backdoor, and they quickly find that the house is in an abandoned state, but there are vampires living in it.

They make it to the kitchen before the two of them are attacked by two vampires.

Castiel quickly beheads the one he is fighting against, while Dean struggles. He is being pressed against the floor and being punched in the face. Dean tries to kick, but the guy is huge and keeps his legs immobilized. 

Before Dean can reach for his machete, Castiel beheads the vampire, making its body fall onto the floor.

Castiel offers his hand to Dean and Dean quickly grabs it as he uses his other hand to grab his machete.

“Are you alright?” Castiel asks as he cups Dean’s face.

Dean finds himself leaning into the touch. He has missed these little touches. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He gives him a reassuring smile. “C’mon, let’s keep going.”

They only make it to the hall before another vampire punches Castiel in the face and drops him onto the floor. Dean quickly beheads the vampire, angrily, and then he gives Castiel a hand to let him stand up.

“You okay?” Dean asks, worried.

“Yes,” Castiel says, touching his bleeding nose.

Before they can do anything else, four more vampires arrive and the two of them have to fight against them.

They struggle once again. They are thrown against walls and the floor, they are punched and hit, but both Dean and Castiel manage to behead the four of them.

They look at each other, making sure the other is fine, and they smile at each other.

When they hear some approaching steps, both of them turn towards the sound and they quickly march against the three vampires coming their way. This time, the fight is quicker and Dean and Castiel manage to defeat the vampires without getting hurt.

“Do you hear anyone else?” Castiel asks in a whisper.

“I don’t think so,” Dean answers, trying to hear something else. “Let’s find Sam.”

Castiel nods.

They don’t run into any more vampires and they find Sam in the basement, tied to a chair and gagged. He has a wound on his temple but he hasn’t been bitten or anything.

“You guys look terrible,” Sam says, chuckling.

“You’re fucking welcome, Sam,” Dean says as he unties Sam’s ropes with Castiel’s help. He looks at Cas and the ex-angel smiles.

“How did you guys find me so quickly?” Sam asks as he stands up. “I wasn’t carrying my phone.”

“Cas found the house,” Dean answers, pointing at Cas. “He’s that awesome.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel says, blushing.

***

“It’s not broken,” Dean says as he touches Castiel’s nose. “But it’s gonna be a bit swollen for a while.”

“It’s that supposed to make me feel better?” Castiel asks bitterly.

“Yeah. You don’t wanna know how painful is to have a broken nose,” Dean answers with a smirk. He keeps cleaning Cas’ bloody face. “Alright, give me your hand.”

Castiel does as he is told and Dean gets some alcohol on Castiel’s left palm, making him hiss.

“It’s not that bad,” Dean says, rolling his eyes.

“We’ll see when you are the one being healed,” Castiel protests.

Dean rolls his eyes again and puts some bandage on Castiel’s hand. “Is it too tight?”

“No. It’s perfect.”

“Good.” When he is done, he presses a brief kiss on Castiel’s wounded hand.

Castiel blushes and smiles. Then he grabs the alcohol to apply it on Dean’s broken brow, something that makes the hunter hiss slightly.

“It’s not that bad,” Castiel sasses with a smirk.

Dean kicks his shin. “Fuck you, Cas.”

Castiel chuckles.

Dean looks at Castiel’s face as Castiel cleans his wounds and puts some butterfly stiches on his broken brow. His blue eyes follow the motions of his hand, being so concentrated on the task at hand, being careful with Dean’s wounds.

When he finishes, he caresses Dean’s face gingerly, and then he lets go.

Every fiber in Dean’s body is telling him to lean into Cas, to remove the small distance in between them and just kiss.

But he fights against the need. As much as he wants to kiss Cas, he can’t do it yet.

“We should probably get out and get some dinner,” Dean murmurs.

“Yes, we should,” Castiel agrees.

But none of them moves. They keep looking at each other, wanting to say and do so much, but unable to do either.

“Thanks for helping me save Sam,” Dean ends up saying, trying to find a safe topic.

“Of course,” Castiel says.

Dean nods and stands up. Castiel does the same.

They leave the bathroom and go to the table, where Sam is already eating dinner. He gives Dean a questioning look, but he doesn’t say anything.

***

“Where are you gonna head now?” Sam asks to Cas.

It’s morning now, and the three of them had breakfast together in a nearby dinner. While they had breakfast, Castiel explained them that he wasn’t coming back to the bunker yet, that he needed to be away for a little bit more.

Dean was expecting that, but as always, a little hopeful part of him had thought that Cas might be coming back to the bunker after this hunt.

That little hopeful part always destroys Dean in the end.

“Somewhere in the state of Washington,” Castiel answers, shrugging. “Somewhere close to the sea.”

“Sounds nice,” Sam says, smiling.

Castiel nods.

“Have a safe drive, Cas,” Sam says as he gives Cas a brief hug. “And thanks for rescuing me,” he adds as he pulls away.

Castiel smiles. “My pleasure, Sam.”

Sam smiles again and then he gets in the passenger’s seat of the Impala, leaving Dean and Castiel alone in the parking lot of the dinner.

“You know,” Dean starts to say, nervously. “You could come back to the bunker even if you still think we should wait for— for y’know.” He rubs his nape, a nervous habit of his. “It’s always good to have you around.”

Castiel smiles, timidly. “Thank you, Dean. I will come back soon, even if I don’t still feel ready for us.”

Dean nods and looks at him, ignoring the pain in his chest. “Okay.”

“It was good to see you, Dean.”

“It was good to see you, too, Cas.”

Castiel smiles and then he removes the distance in between he and Dean to hug him tightly. Dean wraps his arms around Castiel and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. The tension in his body starts disappearing slowly, and he hugs Cas tighter, happy to have the angel in his arms.

“Come back home, soon, please,” Dean whispers.

“I’ll try to,” Castiel says, pulling away, but letting his hands linger on Dean.

“Drive safe.”

“You too.” Then, Castiel leans and kisses Dean’s cheek. “See you, Dean,” he whispers, blushing in a lovely red shade.

Dean smiles and then he kisses Castiel on the cheek as well. “See you, Cas.”

Castiel nods and the he turns around towards his pick-up, while Dean turns around to get inside the Impala.

When he starts the car, he notices that Sam is staring at him with wide eyes.

“What?” Dean asks, frowning.

“Did you two finally get together?” Sam asks, giving him an incredulous look.

“No,” Dean answers as he drives the car towards the road, going opposite Cas’ direction. “What makes you think so?”

“You two kissed.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “We kissed on the cheek.”

“I don’t see you kissing your other friends on the cheek,” Sam sasses.

Dean snorts and rolls his eyes.

“C’mon,” Sam says with a playful grin. “I know that something’s going on in between you two.”

“Something’s always been going on between me and Cas,” Dean sasses. “You told me that yourself.”

Sam grunts. “You know what I mean.”

Dean takes a deep breath and keeps looking at the road.

Sam’s enthusiasm quickly changes into worry. “Did something wrong happen in between you two again?”

“No. Nothing bad happened,” Dean assures, but Sam is still giving him a worried look. “It’s just that— It’s complicated.”

“That never sounds good.”

“No, it doesn’t, but I— I think we’ll figure it out, eventually. We just gotta be patient.” He sighs. “Just a little bit more patient.”

Sam nods. “I really hope you guys can figure things out and finally get together.”

“Me too, Sam. Me too.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end. Thank you so much for reading, for the lovely comments, the kudos, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :)

Dean opens the trunk of the Impala to get the groceries he just bought. Then he closes the trunk and starts walking towards the kitchen.

When he puts a foot inside the kitchen, he finds Sam, leaning on the counter as Castiel pours himself some tea.

Castiel quickly turns around while Dean is stuck on the floor, still holding the plastic bags while he keeps looking at Cas.

Castiel smiles. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean smiles, relieved. “Hey, Cas.”

He leaves the groceries on the closest table and he walks towards Cas to give him a tight hug. Castiel gets his arms around Dean, his grip becoming tighter than Dean’s.

Cas is back. Cas is back home.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” Dean says when he pulls away, but as always, he keeps his hands on Castiel’s arms.

“I wanted to surprise you,” Castiel says, smiling, which makes Dean’s heart melt.

“You’re lucky I decided to go grocery shopping, ‘cause if not, you would’ve been stuck with instant noodles.”

“I would have been happy with instant noodles.”

Dean arches a brow and then smirks. “Well, then I guess you’re gonna miss the amazing angler I was gonna make.”

“Angler? You bought angler?” San asks, perplexed.

“Yeah. Why’re you looking at me like that?” Dean asks, pulling away from Cas and grabbing the grocery bags.

“You’re getting fancy with food. It’s unusual.”

Dean shrugs. He isn’t going to confess that he wanted to cook some fish for when Cas came back. While he was waiting in line to be attended, Dean thought about making something nice for Cas, some good and tasty fish, as a celebration for coming back home. He wasn’t expecting that celebration to happen tonight, but he is glad.

“If you two keep complaining about my food choices, I’m gonna be the only one enjoying the awesome dinner I have in mind,” Dean warns as he starts placing all the groceries on the counter to later place them on their respective places.

Sam rolls his eyes and scoffs.

Castiel, however, approaches Dean and starts helping him. “I didn’t complain about your food choices.”

“But you kind of insinuated that you would prefer instant noodles,” Dean says, arching both of his brows.

Sam simply looks at them and decides to leave the kitchen, giving them some privacy.

“I didn’t insinuate such thing,” Castiel assures, narrowing his eyes. “I only said that if there was nothing for me to eat, I would eat that. There is no way I would pass one of your delicacies for instant noodles.”

Dean blushes and chuckles. “Delicacies. I like that.”

Castiel huffs. “Of course you do.”

Dean shoves his shoulder against Castiel’s. “You’re an asshole.”

Castiel rolls his eyes but smiles.

“I missed you,” Dean confesses, looking at Castiel.

Castiel looks away from the cupboard to look at Dean, dedicating him a beautiful smile. “I missed you, too.”

They look at each other for an instant and then their eyes go back to the groceries.

Dean doesn’t know what their relationship is anymore. He wants to ask, but he can’t bring himself to. Cas said he needed time, so maybe he still needs time. Eventually, he will let Dean know. Dean knows that for sure.

***

Days in the bunker pass by as usual, but they feel better just because Cas is in it.

They keep looking for a possible hunt in the meantime, but nothing appears for now, which makes the three of them happy. It’s good when people aren’t dying, and it’s also good to get some time for themselves.

That night, after retiring to his bedroom, Dean decides to pick _Crooked Kingdom_, one of the books he recently bought. He read the first part of the duology a few weeks ago, and he is now immersed in the second one, unable to put it down.

He ends up so immersed in it, that when there is a knock on his door, he startles.

He looks at the clock and notices it is past one A.M., which means he’s been reading non-stop for almost three hours, but that doesn’t concern him; what concerns him is that somebody is knocking at his door this late, and that’s never a good sign.

He leaves the book on the bedside table, marking the page he was reading and he opens the door of his bedroom, revealing Cas, who is shaking.

“Cas,” Dean says. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” Castiel says, looking down at his feet. He looks embarrassed and nervous, and he is avoiding Dean’s eyes, which is not a good sign either. “I know it’s late, but I saw your light was on and I—” He takes a deep breath and finally lifts his face and his eyes meet Dean’s, and in those baby blues, Dean can see fear and pain. “I had a nightmare.”

“Shit, you okay?”

Castiel shakes his head. “No.”

“Come here,” Dean says, opening his arms.

Castiel almost throws his arms around Dean and he hugs him tightly and Dean rubs his back and leans his cheek on Castiel’s messy hair.

“It’s okay, Cas. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

Castiel tightens his grip and keeps shaking in Dean’s arms.

“I’ve got you, Cas,” Dean repeats.

Eventually, Castiel stops shaking and he pulls away, but Dean keeps his hands on Castiel’s shoulders.

“Thank you,” Castiel says.

“No problem, Cas,” Dean says, giving his shoulder a friendly squeeze. “I know how nightmares can fuck you up.”

Castiel nods. “Could I—” He clears his throat and looks embarrassed again. “Could I maybe sleep with you? If that’s okay, if not, I can go back to my bedroom.”

Dean chuckles. “Get in.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Dean answers as he pulls Cas inside his bedroom. Then he closes the door.

“What were you doing awake this late?” Castiel asks, frowning.

“Reading.” He points at the book and Castiel looks at it. “It’s really interesting.” He walks towards the bedside table and grabs the book while Castiel gets in the bed. “I’m gonna finish this chapter and then I’ll switch off the lights,” he announces as he sits back on the bed and covers himself.

Castiel lies on his side and looks at Dean. “Thank you for letting me stay here.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“I hate it when I have a nightmare and I am alone.”

Dean clenches his jaw. He has experienced that feeling way too many times. “Yeah. I hate that too.”

“Goodnight, Dean,” he murmurs as he closes his eyes.

“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean says back, looking at Cas.

He keeps reading for a while, and before he finishes his chapter, Castiel is peacefully sleeping.

Dean smiles and then switches off the light and slides down the bed, feeling Cas’ warm body next to him. He sighs before closing his eyes and surrendering himself to sleep.

***

When Dean wakes up, he finds that somehow, he and Cas ended up facing each other while they slept. Also, Cas ended up with his hand on Dean’s t-shirt while Dean’s hand ended up resting on Cas’ hip.

Dean smiles at that.

He would love waking up with Cas in his bed every day.

Castiel stirs and he presses his face against the pillow, letting out a small grunt.

Dean can’t help chuckling. “You’re a terrible morning person,” he mumbles to himself, closing his eyes.

“Shut up, Dean, it’s too early,” Castiel mumbles back.

Dean opens his eyes. “I didn’t know you were awake.”

“I am,” Castiel grunts. “Unfortunately.”

Dean chuckles and he rolls onto his back, and Castiel’s hand lets go of his t-shirt. “It’s still early. We can linger in bed for a little longer.”

Castiel sighs, happily. “That’s a great plan.”

Dean smiles and closes his eyes.

He eventually drifts off for a while and so does Cas. When he wakes up again, he finds himself on his side, facing Cas again, but now they are closer and their knees are touching.

Dean sighs and rubs his face, trying to get rid of the remains of sleep. As he does so, Castiel opens his eyes.

“Hey,” Dean says.

“Hello,” Castiel says.

“Did you sleep well?”

Castiel hums. “Yes. You?”

“Yeah.”

Castiel nods. He looks at Dean’s eyes, with than usual intensity of his that makes Dean’s heart stop and then increase its speed. His hand reaches for Dean’s temple, where the skin tissue is whiter because of a recent scar. His touch makes Dean let out a silent sigh.

“You’re getting too many scars,” Castiel mumbles.

“So are you,” Dean says, grabbing Cas’ hand and looking at his scarred knuckles.

“I used to be better at protecting you.”

“Cas—”

“I know I didn’t do my best to protect you in the past,” Castiel continues, looking at their hands. “But I was better than I am now.”

“I still would’ve gotten hurt even if you were an angel. I still got hurt when you were an angel.”

“I know.”

“And you still got hurt when you were an angel,” Dean reminds him, giving him an obvious look. “We always get hurt. It comes with this life. Even when we were protecting each other, we still got hurt somehow. So stop beating yourself over it.”

Castiel sighs and he laces his fingers with Dean’s, pressing their palms together. Dean had missed that simple gesture.

They remain in silence while Castiel’s thumb moves on Dean’s hand, soothingly.

“Cas,” Dean eventually says.

“Yes?” Castiel asks as he looks at Dean’s eyes.

“What are we doing?”

Castiel frowns, clearly confused.

Dean clears his throat and licks his lips. “Look, you told me to wait until you figured things out, and I’m okay with all of that. It’s just that— that you gotta spell it out for me, man. You keep doing stuff like this, like holding my hand or touching my face, but then you don’t do anything else, and I’ve got no idea what I’m supposed to do or say. I’m kind of lost.”

Castiel gives him a sad smile. “I don’t know. It feels like we are making it up as we go, like we always have.”

Dean grunts into the pillow, frustrated. “We’re a fucking mess.”

“Yes. I am afraid that we are, indeed.” He moves his hand from Dean’s hand to his jaw and Dean instantly leans onto the touch, starving for more. “It’s hard for me.”

Dean frowns. “What’s hard?”

Castiel takes a long and deep breath. “I’m scared,” he whispers.

Dean looks at him, waiting for Cas to elaborate more, but the ex-angel doesn’t.

“I’m scared, too,” Dean says. “I’m fucking terrible at relationships.”

“At least you have some experience,” Castiel sasses.

“Not really.” He makes a grimace. “None of them were good.”

“You were happy with Lisa.”

“At times,” Dean confesses. It’s been a decade since he last thought about Lisa.

“I watched you rake leaves,” Castiel confesses, and Dean frowns again. “When you were at Lisa’s house. I wanted to ask you to help with against Raphael, but you seemed happy and at peace. I didn’t want to be the one who made you lose all of that. You had already given too much.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I don’t know,” Castiel says, shrugging. “I should have, though.”

Dean nods. He waits for a few moments before he says, “So, what are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Dean sighs and rolls into his back. He looks at the ceiling and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Do you think we missed our chance along the way?”

“No, I don’t think so,” Castiel answers. His words make Dean turns his face to look at him. “But I think that it was never the right place or the right time for us.”

“Yeah,” Dean sighs, feeling his eyes tear up. He doesn’t want to keep talking about this. It hurts too much. “Let’s go and get some breakfast,” he says, kicking off the sheets.

“Dean—”

“Cas, I don’t wanna talk anymore, okay?” His voice comes shaky and he hates it. He stands up from the bed and he grabs he robe. When he turns around to put on his sleepers, he catches Castiel, looking at him heartbroken. “Don’t give me that look when you’re the one who has me waiting for you to decide if you wanna be with me or not.”

“I want to be with you!” Castiel exclaims, frustrated.

“Then what the fuck are you waiting for?!”

Castiel opens his mouth to say something, but he closes it before he can say anything.

Dean shakes his head and scoffs, feeling how his heart breaks one more time. “Whatever.”

Before Castiel can say anything else, Dean goes to the shower, locking the bathroom door. It doesn’t take him too long to start crying.

***

“Are you guys okay?” Sam asks during lunch. He looks at Dean and Castiel, sitting on opposite sides of the table, which is unusual.

“Peachy,” Dean says with a fake smile. He knew that Sam was going to pick up on the tension between him and Cas, but that doesn’t mean Dean is going to address the issue. It seems that Cas isn’t either. Finally, they agree on something.

“Okay…” Sam says, clearly feeling uncomfortable. “I found us a case.” He grabs his phone and starts swiping on the screen until he finds what he is looking for. “Three victims, all of them missing their hearts.”

“So, werewolf?”

“Apparently.”

“Where?”

“Mankato, Minnesota.”

“Can I go?” Castiel asks.

“Aren’t you in a hurry to leave this time?” Dean snaps.

Castiel clenches his jaw and glares him. “If you want me to leave, I can leave.”

“You’re gonna do whatever the fuck you want to, like you always do. I don’t know why you bother to know my opinion.”

“Sounds really familiar, doesn’t it?”

“At least I know what I fucking want.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“Fuck you, Cas.”

“Stop it!” Sam interrupts before Castiel can say anything else. “What the hell is wrong with you two?”

“Nothing,” Dean and Castiel say at the same time, glaring at each other after saying that word.

“Bullshit.”

“It’s none of your business, Sam,” Dean says, stabbing the macaroni.

Sam gives him his brand own bitch face. “Fine. So I guess that if nothing’s wrong, we three can go to Minnesota and deal with this werewolf. Because I think it would be much safer if the three of us went after the werewolf. If that’s fine with you two.”

“It is, Sam,” Castiel says.

“Sure,” Dean says to both his brother and Castiel.

Sam sighs and rubs his eyes. “Please, don’t make me regret this.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm updating a day sooner because I'm not sure if tomorrow I'll be able to update the chapter, so here you go!
> 
> Thank you for reading, for the comments, the kudos, the bookmarks and the subscriptions.

They drive in complete silence all the way to Minnesota. Sam even manages to not leave Dean and Cas alone for most of the time. But in those few moments that they are alone, Dean nor Cas say a word to each other unless it is completely necessary.

Like always, they want to say so much, but they don’t.

Why is it that every time things in between them seem to be doing okay, something bad happens?

Dean is tired. So fucking tired.

He and Cas are a fucking mess and too fucking stubborn. Part of him knows they should just talk, but what good would that do? Every time they talk, they get hurt or they get mad at each other.

He is tired of Cas’ excuses. He is tired of that stupid hope that always appears every time he and Cas get closer. He is tired of getting his heart broken over and over again. He is tired of not learning his lesson.

***

“It’s a pack,” Castiel says, grimacing.

“How many?” Dean asks.

“Four.”

“Awesome…”

“Have you been able to find out where they might be at?” Sam asks, looking at Dean.

“Got it!” Dean exclaims, clapping his hands. He finally managed to locate the phone of the last person who got abducted in the last twenty-four hours. “The last time his phone got a signal was in this abandoned factory.” He points at the map and Castiel and Sam take a look at the screen. “You sure that it’s only four?”

“At least that’s what I saw on the traffic cameras,” Castiel answers.

Dean shakes his head. “There’s only one way to find out.”

***

They drive to the abandoned factory. When Dean stops the Impala’s engine, the three of them get out of the car and head to the trunk. They load their guns with silver bullets and then, they quietly head inside the factory.

The abandoned place is eerily quiet. The only sound comes from their footsteps. It makes Dean’s skin crawl.

They end up separating from each other, wanting to cover more places, but Dean knows it isn’t a good idea.

Before he can react, a werewolf falls from the ceiling and lands on Dean, dropping him to the floor. Dean grunts as his chin hits against the hard concrete of the floor, but he quickly turns around, ignoring the pain momentarily so he can protect himself from the werewolf.

His gun is far from his reach and Dean curses as the werewolf punches his jaw. Dean manages to kick him several times and he even manages to pull free from his tight and painful grip.

He drags himself onto the floor, wanting to grab his gun, but the werewolf is fast and grabs him by the leg, pulling him easily towards him with its incredible strength.

Dean tries to attack before he gets hurt, but the monster is quick and he digs his sharp nails onto Dean’s neck, tearing the skin and making the blood come out in rivers of red.

Despite of being severely hurt, Dean keeps trying to get rid of the werewolf, but he is feeling dizzy; he is losing too much blood.

He hears a gunshot, and Dean sees the werewolf bleeding through his cheek. The werewolf turns his face, looking at the shooter with rage in his face. Dean turns his face and sees Cas, holding his gun and with blood splattered on his face. He looks angrier than ever and he shoots at the werewolf in the heart, and its body drops dead next to Dean.

“Dean!” Castiel yells as he runs to Dean. “Oh, Dean.” He removes his jacket and plaid shirt and then he presses the plaid against Dean’s wound. “I’ve got you, Dean. I’ve got you,” Castiel mumbles as he shreds some tears. “Sam! Sam! I need your help!”

“You saved me,” Dean whispers.

“Of course.”

Dean manages to make a small smile and he closes his eyes.

“Dean, don’t close your eyes, don’t you dare close your eyes!” Castiel yells.

Dean makes an effort and tries to keep them open, but he really can’t.

“Dean Winchester,” Castiel mutters, shaky. “You are the most stubborn man in this world, so be as fucking stubborn as you always are and stay with me.”

Somehow, Dean manages to make a tiny smile.

“Don’t leave me, please,” Castiel pleads. His fingers brush Dean’s cheek and Dean welcomes the wonderful warmth of his touch. “I can’t lose you.”

Sam comes running and Dean manages to open his eyes briefly. He sees that his little brother is next to the teenager that was abducted before he closes his eyes and hears him running towards Dean.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Sam mutters.

“We need to get him to a hospital,” Castiel says. “Help me carry him to the Impala.”

Dean feels how Sam and Castiel grab him and quickly drag him out towards the Impala. He passes out in between, not wanting to surrender to the darkness. He keeps hearing Castiel’s words, pleading him to keep fighting, to stay with them, to stay with him.

And Dean fights, he really fights. But there is a moment when the darkness takes over him and he can’t do anything about it.

***

When he opens his eyes, he is in a hospital bed and he still feels dizzy.

“Dean,” Castiel whispers. He almost jumps from his seat and gets next to Dean’s side. He looks at Dean and sighs relieved. “You are alive.”

“Yeah. Surprisingly, I am,” Dean says in a pastry voice.

Castiel smiles at him and his fingers brush Dean’s hand. “I thought I was going to lose you.”

“I’m afraid you’re gonna have to put up with me for a little while, Cas,” he says as he laces his fingers with Castiel, surprising the two of them, but no one pulls away. “You said it yourself, I’m fucking stubborn.”

A few tears fall down Castiel’s eyes. “Yes, you are.”

“Dean, you’re awake,” Sam says relieved as he enters the room.

“Yeah,” Dean answers.

“How are you?”

“Dizzy, but good enough to get out of here and go home.”

Sam chuckles. “I knew you were gonna say that.” He gets Dean’s clothes from the chair and he puts them on the bed. “You good to dress up or you need some help?”

“I’m good to do that by myself. Just wait for me outside,” he answers as he slowly gets up.

Castiel gives him a squeeze on his hand before he and Sam walk away from the room.

It takes Dean longer than usual to get dressed. He feels dizzy and tired, but his body is working properly. The only thing that hurts is the wound covered with gauze, but that’s all.

When he is dressed, he comes out of the room and he leans onto Cas, feeling tired. Castiel quickly gets his arm around Dean and presses him against his side. Dean places his hand on the small of Castiel’s back and they begin to walk slowly, with Sam in front of them.

The Impala is parked in the hospital’s parking lot, so they don’t have to walk that much.

Sam gets in the driver’s seat while Dean and Castiel get in the backseat. The small walk has left Dean exhausted, but he feels better at being in his beloved car.

As Sam starts the Impala, Dean rests his cheek on Castiel’s shoulder. Once again, Castiel gets his arm around Dean’s shoulders, but this time, his hand rests on Dean’s hair, with his fingers brushing it.

The ex-angel presses a small kiss on Dean’s hairline and Dean sighs, happily.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel whispers. “For hurting you.”

“I’m sorry for hurting you, too,” Dean mumbles. His hand reaches Castiel’s free hand and they lace their fingers again.

“Why is it that you two only get this close when one of you is severely hurt?” Sam asks, looking at them in disbelief through the rearview mirror.

“Because we are fucking idiots, Sammy,” Dean says. “That’s why.”

Castiel smiles.

“I’m not gonna argue with that,” Sam says, shaking his head, but he is also smiling.

***

The first thing they do when they get to the bunker is to get something to eat for dinner and then, the three of them head straight to the bed.

Dean sleeps for longer than usually, and when he wakes up, he hears some noises coming from the kitchen. He first goes to the bathroom and then to the kitchen, feeling curious about the noise, and he finds Cas, attempting to make some scrambled eggs.

“Damn it,” Castiel mutters to himself and he watches the burnt scrambled eggs.

“What are you doing?” Dean asks as he approaches Cas.

“Trying to make you breakfast, but I don’t think you can call this atrocity breakfast.” He sighs and drops the burnt food into the garbage can.

Dean smiles and grabs some more eggs. “I’ll do it, don’t worry.”

“No. I can do it.”

“Cas, let’s be real, you suck at cooking,” Dean says with a playful smile and Castiel glares him. “Let me do anything that involves the stove and you just make some of that awesome coffee you always do.”

“You should be resting.”

“I’m fine, Cas. Besides, this way we all will be avoiding food poisoning.”

Castiel mumbles some insult in enochian and Dean laughs.

Dean looks at Cas, who is looking grumpy as he prepares Dean’s coffee.

“Cas,” Dean says, and Castiel looks at him, with some sort of glare. “Even if you burnt the scrambled eggs, I still appreciate that you wanted to make me breakfast. So, thanks.”

Castiel’s eyes soften and he smiles. “You’re welcome, Dean.” He pours the coffee on Dean’s mug and he hands it to Dean, who takes a sip and hums. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Dean answers as he pours the beaten eggs onto the pan. “The wound still hurts when I move my neck, but apart from that, I’m doing great.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” He stares at him with a tiny smile drawn on his lips. “Do you need my assistance on anything else or are you too afraid of my propensity to burn things?”

Dean chuckles. “You can do some fruit salad.”

“One of these days you are going to have to trust me with the stove.”

“And I will. When I don’t wake up and find you burning stuff.”

Castiel rolls his eyes and curses in enochian.

Dean laughs again.

He is glad that he and Cas are in good terms again. But they need to talk. As scary as that might be, they need to talk about stuff.

But later. Right now, they just want to have breakfast.

***

The three of them decide to get some pizza for dinner and watch a movie together. By the time the movie finishes, the three of them decide to retire to their respective bedrooms.

As always, Dean and Cas walk together after Sam reaches his bedroom.

When they reach Dean’s door, Dean places his hand on Castiel’s forearm and stops.

“Hey,” Dean says, clearing his throat. “I think we should— we should talk.”

“Yes, I think we should,” Castiel agrees. “But we can wait if you aren’t feeling well. That’s why I haven’t said anything about it earlier.”

Dean smiles, appreciating Cas’ concern. “I’m fine, Cas. Don’t worry.”

Castiel looks at him and nods. “Okay.”

“Come in,” Dean says, opening the door.

Castiel comes into Dean’s bedroom and then Dean follows, closing the door behind him.

Castiel stands in front of the bed, not knowing where to stand. Dean sits on the edge of the bed, because he is already feeling his legs shaking and he doesn’t want his nerves to betray him. As he does so, Castiel sits next to him.

Dean is about to start talking, but Castiel speaks first.

“I’m sorry for my behavior, Dean.”

“I was kind of a douchebag to you. I lost my temper. You don’t need to apologize,” Dean says.

Castiel shakes his head. “You were right to be mad at me. I—” He takes a deep breath and looks at Dean’s eyes. “My hesitation, my doubts and my fears were hurting you. I know it wasn’t easy for any of us, but I wasn’t aware of how much you were hurting because of me.”

“I hurt you, too, Cas. I kept pushing you even though I told you I was going to give you time.” He grimaces and sighs. “We’re good at being a fucking mess, aren’t we?”

“Yes, we are.” He manages to make a smile, but it quickly disappears. “I began to feel things for you almost since we met, but I didn’t know what those things were back then. I have been so used to hiding them, to live with them without addressing them to you, that it is what feels normal to me. I have always been scared of telling you because I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way, and I was scared that my confession would make me lose you as a friend.”

“Yeah, I get that. That’s what I felt, too,” Dean confesses, blushing slightly.

Castiel looks at him surprised. “I didn’t know that.”

Dean chuckles, nervously. “You weren’t supposed to know.”

“Still,” Castiel continues, looking really sad. “I have been keeping these feelings to myself lately because I wasn’t sure if you really felt like I did, and I was scared that if we ended up together, you would get tired of me eventually, or worst of all, that I would hurt you, because I don’t know how to be with someone and I have hurt you too many times in the past.” He looks down at his hands, settled on his knees. “I still think you deserve someone better than a fallen angel that only knows how to fail constantly and who has nothing to offer to you.”

“You’re way more than that, and you know it.”

“I am not, Dean.”

“Bullshit,” Dean says, making Castiel look at him. “If anything, you’re the one who deserves better than a fucked up hunter.”

“You’re more than that, Dean.”

“We both have our issues, we both have our crap and we both have our big share of scars. We’ve been through a lot of shit, both together and separately, but we always end up choosing each other, no matter what, ‘cause we can make it past each other’s mistakes. Sometimes it takes us time, and sometimes it’s hard, but we always choose each other. No matter what.”

Castiel takes a deep breath. “I have failed too many times.”

“So have I. And you don’t really care. And neither have I cared if you failed, too.”

“I have hurt you in the past.”

“I have hurt you, too.”

“I—”

“Stop with the excuses, Cas, please,” Dean interrupts, looking at him with pleading eyes. “You’ve got your shit and so do I. I’m tired of looking for excuses to not be with you. I’m still scared of fucking things up, of hurting you, but we can find a way to work around the difficult stuff. We always do.”

“Dean,” Castiel murmurs, clearly moved by Dean’s words. “I’m not good enough for you.”

“Yes, you are,” Dean says, looking at him. “You’re more than good enough for me. And I think— I think that I can be good enough for you.”

Castiel looks at him, speechless. Dean can still see some doubt in his eyes.

“Listen to me, Cas,” Dean starts. “You’re much more than a fallen angel, alright? You’re fucking smart, you’re strategic and you’re a badass. You’re so damn beautiful, with eyes that drive me crazy. You’re so damn strong, both physically and mentally. You’re sweet and kind, and you always think first about those you care about. You’re really brave and give me courage all the time. You’re funny, even if sometimes I tell you to get a sense of humor, but I like your dry sense of humor. You’re adorable, even when you’re grumpy in the morning. You take care of me and Sammy, even when you’re beaten up. You always want to do the right thing. And you always stand up and fight, even if you’ve failed a million times. And yeah, you might be reckless sometimes, you might be too fucking stubborn, you might be too literal sometimes, you might lack some tact once in a while and you might be unable to have a conversation in the morning unless you had a cup of coffee first, but you’re still enough, and I still love you.”

Castiel looks at him, surprised. “You love me?”

Dean blinks perplexed. He didn’t realize he said the L-word as if it was the most natural thing for him to say, but it is because he loves Cas. “Yeah, I do,” Dean says, blushing. “I thought you knew I loved you.” He shrugs casually, as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“I didn’t know. Not really,” Castiel answers with a voice that clearly shows he is moved by Dean’s words.

“Well, now you know.”

Castiel removes the distance in between them and kisses him, catching Dean by surprise, but he quickly closes his eyes and kisses him back, desperate to have Cas’ lips against him after so long.

“I love you, too,” Castiel says when he pulls away.

“You do?” Dean asks.

“Of course.”

Dean grins. “Awesome.”

Castiel smiles and he presses his forehead against Dean’s. “I am still scared of screwing things up.”

“I’m scared, too. But we’ll figure it out, okay?” He cups Castiel’s cheek and the ex-angel nods. “Just, don’t go away if things get complicated, okay? Stay with me, that’s all I’m asking for. Stay with me so we can fix things.”

“I will be by your side, Dean Winchester. For as long as you’ll have me.”

Dean immediately blushes but he grins. “Geez, Cas. I didn’t know you were such a sap.”

Castiel rolls his eyes. “You’re terrible, Dean.”

Dean smirks and he kisses Castiel again. “I’m fucking terrible.” He kisses him again, briefly, just to tease him. “And yet, you love me.”

“Surprisingly, I do,” Castiel sasses.

“Hey! That’s a low blow,” Dean protests, feigning to be annoyed.

Castiel rolls his eyes. “Do you want to keep talking? Because I think we could use this time for something more enjoyable than terrible teasing.”

Dean arches both of his eyebrows and then he smirks. “I ain’t gonna complain about that.”

Without wasting any other second, they go back to kissing each other.

Dean cups Castiel’s face, feeling his stubble under his fingers. Castiel gets one of his hands on Dean’s cheek while the other rests where the handprint used to be.

Tentatively, Dean touches Castiel’s bottom lip with his tongue, and the ex-angel opens his mouth, welcoming, meeting Dean halfway, making the two of them moan, a sound that has Dean’s whole body tingling.

Castiel pulls away for a moment, to get some air and he looks at Dean, as if he didn’t believe this was real. He smiles shakily and brushes Dean’s cheek before leaning to kiss Dean again, who opens his mouth to welcome Cas’ tongue.

His stomach swoops as Castiel presses their chests together. He runs his fingers through Castiel’s messy, dark hair, and then he runs his hands down Castiel’s sides and then back up again, taking off his shirt and dropping it somewhere on the floor.

Castiel quickly does the same with Dean’s shirt and then he takes off Dean’s t-shirt, breaking the kiss. He looks at Dean, with hungry eyes, but his stare turns careful when he sees the gauze.

“I’m good, Cas,” Dean says, stealing a quick kiss from Castiel’s wet lips. “I’m fucking great.”

Castiel nods and he kisses Dean, only pulling away when Dean takes off Castiel’s t-shirt. Dean stares and touches his tanned skin and Castiel shivers and sighs happily.

They go back to kissing as their hands wander on each other and Dean drops the two of them onto the bed, with Cas resting his back on the mattress and with Dean on top of him.

Dean kisses Castiel’s jaw and the ex-angel starts letting out some little moans that only increase the fuel in Dean’s body. 

He keeps kissing the ex-angel’s neck as Castiel’s hand moves restlessly on his hair. Then, he goes back to kissing Castiel’s lips and the ex-angel presses their bodies together and holds him tightly.

They keep kissing and Dean starts unzipping Castiel’s jeans. His fingers brush Castiel’s hard cock, and Castiel hisses at the touch, which makes Dean’s smirk.

Before Dean can take off his boxers, Castiel gets his hands on Dean’s jeans and he removes them, pressing his palm on Dean’s cock as well, and Dean groans against Castiel’s neck.

Dean leaves a trail of quick kisses down Castiel’s chest and Castiel bites his lower lip. Dean smirks as he gets his hands on the elastic band of Castiel’s boxers. Castiel lifts his hips, helping Dean to remove the underwear and when Dean has gotten rid of them, Castiel takes off Dean’s quickly and Dean kicks them off before pressing himself on top of Cas and kissing him as they roll their hips together.

There are so many things Dean wants to do, but both of them are eager and hungry. They have been waiting so long to do this, and he knows they aren’t going to last long. He doesn’t care. Whatever he and Cas do tonight, is going to feel awesome. It is already awesome and they are only kissing and doing some frottage.

Castiel’s hands trace down Dean’s chest, and his fingers linger briefly on Dean’s nipples, enough to make Dean groan pleasantly, earning him a smirk from Cas. It is enough for Dean to get his hand in between them and grab both of their hard cocks and he starts to jerk the two of them.

Castiel lets out a shaky and glorious moan with Dean’s name on it. He looks at Dean with so many emotions in his eyes, without hiding them anymore, and Dean hopes that his eyes have removed any filters they had before. He doesn’t have to hide anything in front of Cas anymore.

Dean leans to kiss him, but pulls away to let out a moan when Castiel’s hand joins his and he starts to move it along with him.

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean moans into Castiel’s neck.

“Dean—,” Castiel moans, arching his back to meet Dean’s thrusts.

Their hands keep increasing their speed as well as the roll of their hips. There is a moment when Castiel rolls the two of them, inverting their positions and he kisses Dean, sweetly and desperately.

His free hand searches Dean’s free hand, and they hold hands while their other hands keep moving fast on their cocks.

“Dean, I—” Castiel begins to say, looking at Dean’s eyes.

“I’m gonna come too, Cas,” Dean says, trying to hold Castiel’s gaze.

Dean comes first and a second later Castiel does too. They moan loudly as their orgasms hits them and they keeps their hands moving until they are both done. They still hold hands the whole time.

Castiel collapses onto Dean and he sighs happily. Dean lets out a content and sated sigh and then he grins.

“We should’ve done this like a decade ago,” Dean says, chuckling.

“Yes, we should have,” Castiel agrees, nuzzling Dean’s neck. He moves slightly, until his side is leaning against the mattress, in order to free Dean of his weight, but Dean makes sure that they still are pressed against each other. “I’m sorry this took me a long time.”

As Castiel gets his hand right where Dean’s anti-possession tattoo is, Dean gets his arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “It took me a long time, too.” He kisses Castiel’s hairline. “But it was worth the wait.”

Castiel lifts his head and kisses Dean’s lips, smiling into it. “I’m glad.” He rests his head on the pillow again and his fingers start tracing the inked star. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

“Are you seriously asking me that?” Dean asks, looking at him with an arched brow. Castiel looks at him, frowning and narrowing his beautiful blue eyes. “Cas, for fuck’s sake, of course that you can stay here. In fact, I’m actually thinking about moving all your stuff in here tomorrow morning.”

Castiel looks at him with wide eyes and he blushes. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

Castiel kisses him again and he smiles. “Thank you.” Then, his happy stare turns into a serious one. “But by morning you mean late in the morning, right?”

Dean laughs. “Yeah, you lazy ass, I mean late in the morning.”

“Okay.” He smiles and snuggles against Dean. He lets out another happy sigh and Dean can’t help smiling again. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Cas.”


	18. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Her eit is, the last chapter

_Six months later_

Dean wakes up and slowly opens his eyes. Cas is still sleeping and holding him tightly in his strong arms. Dean sighs, and closes his eyes again as he nuzzles Castiel’s neck, feeling him stir.

“You awake?” Dean asks with a pastry voice.

“No,” Castiel lies.

Dean chuckles.

“Go back to sleep, Dean,” Castiel mumbles.

Dean kisses Castiel’s neck and then he moves his mouth to the strong line of his jaw. “I know something that might wake you up.”

“Yes, it’s called coffee.”

Dean smiles at the teasing and then he presses himself a little bit more against Cas, noticing that he isn’t the only one with a morning boner. “You had happy dreams, too?” Dean asks as he kisses Castiel’s cheek.

“No. I just slept next to a beautiful man,” Castiel answers with a smirk.

Dean laughs. He kisses him in the lips and gets his hand on Castiel’s cheek, cupping it as he deepens the kiss.

Dean rolls them on the bed, until his back is on the mattress and Cas is on top of him. Whatever remains of sleep Castiel had, they seem to be almost gone by now.

“Are you awake enough for this?” Dean teases with a playful smirk. “Or do you need some coffee?”

“You are right. I need coffee first,” Castiel deadpans as he starts pulling away.

“Don’t!” Dean exclaims, grabbing Castiel’s arms and keeping him in place, making Castiel laugh, which is probably one of Dean’s favorite sounds. “You’re a fucking teaser.”

“You started.”

“Asshole.”

“Assbutt,” Castiel whispers before kissing Dean tenderly.

Dean hums happily into it and he takes off Castiel’s shirt. He lets out a content sigh as his hands roam Castiel’s chest. They’ve been together for months, but it still takes Dean’s breath away to know that he can have Cas like this.

Castiel removes Dean’s shirt and then he leans to kiss him, softly, the two of them humming into it. Their boxers find their way to the floor next, and Dean gets his arms around Cas, pressing him down onto him.

He starts sucking Castiel’s earlobe, making the ex-angel tremble and moan.

“Dean,” Castiel moans, biting his lip.

“I was thinking about you fucking me,” Dean whispers into his ear, smirking. “But maybe you still want to get some coffee first, because I ain’t gonna do all the work.”

Castiel glares him and Dean chuckles. “You are insufferable, Dean Winchester.”

Dean smiles and he cups Castiel’s face. “You knew what you were getting into when we got together.”

Before Castiel can say anything else, Dean kisses him, desperately but sweetly. As they kiss, they slowly roll their hips, just to get some nice friction.

While they keep kissing, Castiel opens the drawer of the nightstand and he gets some lube and a condom.

Dean hums pleased when Cas’ finger presses in and starts moaning when more of his fingers join in. He rolls his hips, trying to fuck into Castiel’s fingers, to let them touch that sweet spot, but Castiel keeps pulling them away in time, and Dean groans in protest.

“You do the same when our positions are reversed,” Castiel says as he kisses Dean’s neck.

“You’re an—” Dean beings to say, but then he feels Castiel’s fingers reaching for that sweet spot and Dean’s words get lost as he feels a shock of pleasure running up his body. “Fuck, Cas—”

Castiel keeps kissing his neck and face as his fingers work on him. When he feels him loose enough, he pulls his fingers out and wipes them on the sheets.

Dean is already panting. He looks at Cas as he gets his legs around his hips and Castiel looks back at him.

“I love it when you look at me like this,” Castiel confesses with a low and deep voice.

“Like this?” Dean asks, confused.

Castiel nods and leans to kiss him tenderly. “Like this.” He smiles and gives Dean a look full of love.

Dean feels something wonderful flutter in his chest. Several months ago, he would have been terrified of that feeling, now he welcomes it, knowing that Cas feels the same.

The fallen angel starts pushing into Dean, who closes his eyes and bites his bottom lip as Cas fills him. It doesn’t take him too long to adjust around him, and when he does, they kiss again, and they join their hands, resting them on the pillow, on each side of Dean’s head.

Then, Castiel begins to move and Dean rolls his hips, meeting his thrusts as best as he can.

It doesn’t matter what they do or in which position they are, it’s always the best sex Dean’s ever had.

“Fuck, Cas. Fuck,” Dean moans before kissing Cas.

Castiel keeps thrusting in and out of him, and Dean clenches around him, tightly, making Castiel’s whole body tremble.

“Dean,” Castiel moans into the line of Dean’s jaw.

He drives into him again, hard, his movements becoming restless and quick, and Dean meets him halfway, pressing the back of his head against the pillow, squeezing Cas’ hands as Castiel keeps hitting that spot over and over again.

Castiel buries his face in the crook of Dean’s neck and he starts panting and mouthing against his neck. He keeps saying Dean’s name against his freckled skin and Dean lets out Castiel’s name in raggedy moans.

They keep moving together, feeling how the heat builds and builds, until Castiel comes, whimpering against Dean’s skin, his body shaking but never stopping his movements. Dean can’t help but follow him seconds later, tensing first and then he trembles as he half whimpers and half moans Castiel’s name.

Even when they are done with their releases, they don’t stop holding hands.

Dean is panting, but he is smiling. And so is Castiel.

The ex-angel moves lazily and he kisses Dean. He pulls his hands from Dean to cradle his face, and Dean gets one of his hands Castiel’s nape and the other rests on his cheek.

“I love you,” they say at the same time, and they both grin.

They kiss again, briefly, and then Castiel rolls onto the other side of the bed and gets rid of his condom.

The moment he has thrown it into the bin, Dean rolls onto his side so Cas can hold him. Castiel quickly gets his arms around Dean and presses him closer.

Dean nuzzles his neck and Castiel starts caressing his hair.

“You know that we’re gonna have to eventually get up, right?” Dean mumbles.

Castiel hums. “Probably when your stomach groans in protest.”

Dean chuckles. “Yeah, exactly.” His thumb caresses Castiel’s hipbone. “We should shower first, though.”

“Together?”

Dean huffs. “Obviously.”

Castiel chuckles and kisses Dean’s hairline.

***

“Here,” Castiel says as he gives Dean his mug of coffee, but before doing that, he kisses Dean’s nape.

“Thanks,” Dean says, turning his face to give Cas a small peck.

Castiel smiles and he goes to a stove that Dean isn’t using.

“If you burn the bacon, I’m breaking up with you,” Dean warns, teasingly.

Castiel hums. “Of course, Dean.” He grabs a pan and puts some oil in it before turning on the fire. “But what if I don’t burn it?”

“Then, I guess I’ll give you an awesome blowjob tonight.”

“Just that?” Castiel deadpans as he puts the bacon on the pan.

“If you’re so disappointed by that, maybe I won’t blow you tonight.” He leans closer to Cas, resting his chin on his shoulder. “But we both know how much we both love it.” He winks and smirks.

Castiel pushes him away. “If you distract me, I’ll probably burn it.”

Dean chuckles and he kisses Castiel’s neck quickly, before he can be pushed away again. “Nah, don’t worry. I know you’ll do great. We both know you’re getting that blowjob tonight.”

Castiel chuckles.

Cas still needs more practice on the stove, but he can manage himself without burning things now. Dean has been teaching him a few things, but he still needs to improve in some areas.

“Sam told me that there’s a book fair in Lebanon,” Castiel begins to say as he watches the bacon closely, giving it way too much attention, but Dean finds it adorable. “Maybe we could go. Unless we find a case.”

“We can go,” Dean says as he puts more batter onto the grill to make more pancakes. “We could use a small break.”

“Okay,” Castiel says as he flips the bacon. He smiles when he sees that it has a nice toasted shade and that it looks crispy.

“Told ya,” Dean says with a big grin.

“I still need to cook the other side.”

“You’ll do awesome.” He places his thumb on Cas’ chin and turns his face so they can kiss.

This time, they kiss for longer, and even Dean gets his tongue inside Castiel’s mouth, making the ex-angel moan lowly.

Sam clears his throat and they both pull apart.

“This is a common space,” Sam says as he enters the kitchen, shaking his head.

“Deal with it,” Dean says, getting his attention back to the pancakes.

“I already made coffee,” Castiel announces, looking briefly at Sam before quickly checking how the other side of the bacon is doing.

“Thanks, Cas,” Sam says, walking towards the coffee machine.

Dean kisses Cas’ shoulder again and their eyes meet. Dean loves these moments.

Things aren’t perfect, they never are. He and Cas argue once in a while, they still have to deal with their recurring nightmares, they still get protective and scared when they have to hunt a dangerous monster and they still are scared of fucking things up in between them. But they always find their way around it and they always make it work. They can talk easily to each other now, and they know that they love each other and that they are there for each other.

They have their issues, like every other couple, but they are strong together and they love each other. Sometimes they meet challenges, but they never give up.

Things aren’t completely perfect, but most of the time, it feels like they are. Dean is with the man he loves and Castiel loves him back. They are happy, really happy.

The only thing both of them regret is that they didn’t get here sooner. But even when the world kept putting obstacles in between them, they always found a way to make it to each other.

“What?” Castiel asks, looking at Dean with an arched brow.

“Nothing. Just that I love you,” Dean whispers.

“Just that?”

“Just that.”

“Then, I just love you, too,” Castiel says, looking at Dean’s eyes before he turns the fire off and reveals that the bacon is perfectly done.

“Congratulations, sweetheart.”

“Thank you, beloved.”

Dean blushes, like he always does when Cas calls him beloved.

“There’s more people here,” Sam protests, rolling his eyes, but there is a hint of a smile in his lips.

“You wanted us together,” Dean snaps with a smirk. He turns the fire off as well and he puts the pancakes on top of the others. “Now you don’t get to complain about it.”

Sam chuckles and he grabs some food to get to the table along with the bacon and the pancakes.

“Hey,” Sam starts saying after he has sat down. “I told Cas about a book fair and—”

“I have already told him, Sam,” Castiel says. “Dean said we could go.”

“Great! Maybe we could go after breakfast?”

“Sounds good to me,” Dean says before tasting the bacon. “It’s really good, Cas.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

“You’re totally getting that blowjob tonight.”

“Dean!” Sam protests.

“Too much information?” Dean asks, putting on a fake innocent face. When Sam glares him, Dean smirks. “That’s payback for when you told me your sex adventures with Ruby.”

Sam keeps glaring him. “That was more than ten years ago and you’ve been doing this for the last six months.”

“And you still have more years to deal with that.”

“I hate you.”

Dean grins.

“Seriously,” Sam says, looking at Cas. “How can you put up with him when he is this annoying?”

Castiel shrugs. “Probably because he is very good at felatios.”

Sam groans while Dean laughs loudly. Castiel looks at Dean with a tiny and satisfactory smile.

“You two are the worst!” Sam protests.

“You’re so fucking awesome,” Dean says before kissing Castiel.

Castiel blushes. “Thank you, Dean.”

They keep kissing while Sam groans again.

“I love you,” Castiel whispers in between kisses.

“I love you,” Dean whispers before kissing him again.

Sam turns a napkin into a ball and he throws it at them, but the action results fruitless and the three of them laugh at the absurdity of it.

Life might not be perfect, but sometimes, it feels like it is.

Things aren’t as broken as they used to be, and Dean knows they won’t be that broken again.

He looks at Cas with a big grin and they kiss again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There aren't any words to describe how grateful I am for all your support. All of you who wrote comments, who left kudos and who bookmarkd and subscribed to this tiny story, all of you have made me so happy. Thank you for your wonderful support and your lovely messages. You are all awesome.


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